Anger

I am angry.

I'm not even sure why I am so angry.

But I am. I don't know where to put it all.

When I eat, especially sugar, I feel relaxed. Happy.

I know, I know - blasphemy!

But it's true. It's just like any other addict. If it didn't make us feel good in some way, why would we do it?

But then the shit hits the fan.

I feel physically terrible. Emotionally wrecked. Spiritually empty.

But it's the few moments of calm. relaxation, happiness that drives me back again and again.
When it's out of my system, it's easier to stay away from. This is the moment I have control. I must control that first bite, or the rest of it controls me.

Let's talk about something else.

I had my flab. No, not just the I'm-still-fat-and-need-to-lose-more-weight flab. I'm talking about the nasty skin hanging all over my body. My underarms are the worse.
Thing 1 plays with that underarm flab. He thinks it's hilarious the way it swings back and forth. He pokes it and laughs.

I want to rip it off.

One day I will take a picture and share it with you bloggy-peeps.

But for now, I won't. Wanna know why?

Because for the past few weeks I have been reading lots of posts. There is so much judgement. So much hate slinging. These things make me afraid sometimes of posting the truth. Maybe I'm off plan. Maybe I didn't get in the workout I planned. Maybe... whatever. I can't put it out there without worry that I am going to be judged.

Then again, I am the one who puts it out there for all to read, and ultimatly, to judge.

I guess it's one of those things.. like... when I was around college age, I was obviously obese. When you are obese, you try your hardest to do things normally. You try to wear normal clothing. Living in the northeast, when the summer hit, I wore shorts. I was never comfortable in them, showing my fat legs, but wearing pants was excruciating in the heat. I just pushed the idea that everyone was looking at me and judging my fatness.

Then, I joined group counseling meetings done through an eating disorders clinic(!). During one session, an older woman, who was quite heavy, but not as heavy as I, stated she was "absolutly disgusted" when fat people "dared" to go out in public in shorts or skirts. It made her want "to vomit".

I have not worn a pair of shorts out ever since that day.

I could pretend for a while that I wasn't being judged. That people had better things to do than judge me about my attire. But it just wasn't true. The truth slapped me in the face.

So, I can sit here and hope and pretend that my posts go out to people who have better things to do than judge me for my struggles and my triumphs. But I know better. I know better by seeing it through my own eyes.

So, should people dumb down what they say? Should they pat everyone on the head and spout things like "nice try!" and "At least you didn't eat the whole cake!". No. I don't want that either. I don't want that patronizing shit anymore than I want to see "shut your pie-hole, you fat slob" written there.

So, what do I want? I have no freaking idea. I think I would love nothing more than to just stop being CRAZY.

Busy weekend...

It's SOOOO close to the end of the day. I have ZERO motivation to do anything else here at the office. I just want to GO HOME.

Even though I had a rocky start yesterday, everything turned out A-OK. No gluten, no binging. Now, this is obviously only day two - but the bloating is still super present! I know it could take a while, so I will hang tight.

The weekend is busy, but not exciting. Tonight hubby and I get to go see a friend of ours show - he has directed Footloose. Should be great! Tomorrow, no Tuff Girl (BOO! Long story), but I plan on going for a run instead. Rehearsal, where we are going to tell our cast that we are pushing our show YET AGAIN because of time constraints. People are not going to be happy, at all. We will probably lose people. It sucks, but it can't be helped. We are a company with no home. No home equals no consistant place to rehearse. No rehearsals equal no show! Well, not on time, anyway. Sunday: church and teaching (sigh) and that will take up the whole day.

Monday is a big day. Well, a big day in a mama's life, anyway. I am registering Thing 1 for kindergarten. O.M.G. I can't believe he is going to be in Kindergarten next year! Public school, folks! The real deal! ACK! Hubs and I took the day off. You show up at the school in the morning, and we were told to "be prepared to wait" lol. So, we could be in and out in 30 minutes, or we could be there all morning. No way to tell, so we took the day. It would be nice if we had some time to just enjoy each others company. This does not happen often!

Well, that's all. Short and sweet, peeps. Have a great weekend!

Gluten Free, Take 1

I have begun my gluten free journey today. I will try it for 2 weeks, and if I don't see a significant difference, I will try removing dairy.
I consume quite a bit of dairy, so I'm not sure how that is going to go! But, we will cross the bridge when we come to it!

It's Thursday - munchy meeting day. Ugh. Seriously. It's the worst time of day - 4-5, when I am really hungry and also tired. Not a good combo for someone trying not to snack. Not even that I am trying not too - there will certainly not be anything there that is gluten free. And most "snack" foods tend to be triggers for me. So, either way, I will be saying no.

I am not as prepared as I should be to begin my gluten free journey today. I didn't really have a substitute for my morningstar veggie sausage (all Morningstar Vegetarian products contain TVP, which contains gluten)So, breakfast was not very filling. So, I feel like I am playing "catch-up" in a way. Thank goodness I packed a snack to have in between. I was planning on using it at the munchy meeting, but, I needed it at 10 this morning!

I just can't wait to get home to my family and dinner. Choir rehearsal tonight. Tomorrow is Friday, and that's...good. Relaxing on weekends is a pretty elusive concept.

Later, peeps!

What I eat, and discoveries

Well, I am happy to report that although there were burpees, and there were jumping jacks, there were no toots, and no incontinent issues last night.

I know you were just DYING to know this.

Food is great. I noticed something super interesting in the past month or so. The amount of food I am eating has really decreased. I am not eating snacks in the middle of meals almost at all anymore. Only eating when hungry (actually, physically hungry) has promoted me to eat only around meal times, with an occasional snack.

For anyone interested (I get this question a lot) here is what I am eating today:

Grande Skinny Mocha (starbucks, on the way to work)
B: 2 morningstar sausage patties, 2 tbs natural peanut butter
L: 1 cup homemade chicken and bean chili (it ended up a little more like soup) 2 oz 75% reduced fat cheese (Cabot brand - really good!) and 1 multigrain tortilla
D: 2 cups salad greens and chopped veggies, 1 oz almonds, 1 oz red. fat cheese, 2 tbs craisins, 10 green olives, banana peppers, 2 tbs Good Seasons salad dressing made with less oil.
S: medium Apple, chopped and nuked with cinnamon and allspice

A little low on the fruit front - I strive for 2-3 servings a day, and maybe a little shy on veggies, although I can easily up the amount of veggies in my salad tonight to give me 3 servings with very little calorie increase.

This salad is amazing. Calorie wise it's about 350 - a great size for a meal. Loaded with good fats, very little saturated, and protein.

Everything loaded into Livestrong.com, and I will be at 1424 at the end of the day.

If I add a snack, it's usually that additional fruit I spoke about, and a serving of a protein with it. That could easily add 200 cals to the total. BUT, if I'm hungry (actually, physically hungry) then I eat it.

Totally TMI, I know, but I am considering trying to go gluten free.

No, not so I can go hog-wild on all of the gluten free treats out there, but because I am seriously bloated and gassy during the day.

I think it could be either gluten or dairy,

which are normal culprits of such issues. I would really miss my cheese, dammit! I'm not sure which, so I am going to try both, one at a time, until I figure it out. I'm unsure if I will start with cutting dairy, or cutting gluten, but I'm gonna picks soon and get a move on. This kinda sucks.

My workout last night went great. I was SUPER close to bailing at the last second... lots of excuses. Then I remembered what Christa says - the only workout you regret is the one you don't do. So, I went. I got to class early, as the 5PM was wrapping up with killer abs... one girl, shaking, sweating, turned to me and said "run away now"...

Crap.

It was a Tabata workout, with all different feats of endurance to tackle. The cool thing about tabata is, you can convince yourself that you can do it, because you can "do anything for 20 second". I mean, you can, right? Sometimes it SEEMS like you can't, but you ALWAYS can. Even at the bitter end, when all you want to do is lay down, you can do that last 20 seconds of mountain climbers, jump rope, or half burpees (starting to really like these!), and finish off with killer abs.

Because YOU CAN. YOU are stronger that mountain climbers, jump rope, or half burpees. Your body is capable of far more than your mind wants you to think you are.

This is true across the board. It's true with eating, exercise, work, family, everything. YOU WILL SURVIVE. Not just survive, but PREVAIL.

Prevail on, my friends!

Toots

Just a little check in.

Eating is going great. Feeling very good about my choices. Logging in at around 1300-1400 cals today - depending on if I have the evening apple or not. Everything is planned. Everything is weight and measured. I got a nice new digital scale. Coming from using an old school one, this is very cool! Each almond is placed on the scale, each morsel of protein, etc.
Something interesting I have noticed is how much I "pick" at food. One bite here, one there. Being mindful means I notice these things and can stop them.

I am headed to a Tuff Girl workout after work today. I am always nervous going to one. I mean, I have been doing them for like, a year and a half or two years now. But I still get nervous. Mostly about gross things like tooting in the middle of a burpee, or peeing on myself during jumping jacks. Hey, any ladies who have had kids know what I am talking about. There is still a lot of fat bouncing down on my bladder during those damn jumping jacks!

You can laugh - it's funny. But you also know you do it too.

After workout I will drag my ass home and put Thing 1 to bed. He will be waiting up to tell me about his day and for a little snuggle time.
After this will be dinner. 1/2 medium sweet potato, 1 cup chicken breast and bean chili.

Then, some paperwork, and very little downtime.

I WON'T be watching Biggest Loser. I haven't watched for weeks. I'm not interested in the drama.

Shower, and bed. Start it all over again tomorrow.

Work is crazy, but I'm letting it go when I walk out the door. Which is in about 5 minutes...

I'll report back on the tourture of tonight tomorrow sometime. Toots and all.

There's no crying! There's no crying in... weightlifting??

I had to do a double post today to tell you about my Saturday work out. I was back at Tuff Girl after 2 weeks of being away, and boy, was I in for it.

The set-up for this was different. There were 3 sections - weights, cardio, and TRX:

Each station had 3 different exercises that you needed to complete 2 times. For example, on the weights, you completed 20 Romanian Dead Lifts, 20 Surrenders and 20 Pushups. Then you do it again. You needed to do all of this in 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, wherever you are in the cycle (preferably DONE), you moved on to the next section.

This *looked* way too innocent to be good.

Well, what it comes down to is this: I cried. I cried IN the workout. Halfway through. Not even at the END, my friends. Half. Way. Through.
Did I mention the F Bombs? The vulgarity flying from my mouth?

Yeah, there was that too.

It was amazing tourture.

I was in pain yesterday. I am in pain today. I planned on a run this evening, and I think I need to downgrade it to a walk. It will still happen, however.

It was very different to be counting reps as opposed to telling myself "You can do it for 40 seconds. You can do ANYTHING for 40 seconds" and just giving it your all. There is a whole different kind of mental toughness needed. Thus, the crying.

Luckily, I wasn't the only one.

I finished all of my reps. It took me the longest in my group, but I did it. The last set of chest presses on the TRX, I finished my last 5 right after the beeper went off. But I needed to finish those last 5.

Ouch.

Sometimes I think I only have this toughness when I am around that kind of energy. Or maybe it's that I don't want to look like an ass in front of everyone else working so hard.

So, that is my workout recap. Yesterday I could hardly walk, so chasing after the boys in the park was quite enough activity for me. I am really looking forward to summer when I can get back to Tuff Girl 2x per week.

And, as sick as it sounds, I REALLY mean that!

Accept, Courage, Know.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

The serenity to accept - this is a toughie. I have a very hard time accepting things and moving on. Some might call it "giving it to God". Why can't I let things go? I hold on to them and let them eat me up inside. We (my job) lost a little baby this weekend, and I can't stop thinking about the pain and loss this poor family is enduring. I have never met them, but I cry at the thought of this loss. These kinds of things build up in me. I am continually striving to "let things go".

Courage to change - well, this is a dozy, right? I mean, aren't we all here for change? But the courage... the courage to actually change is what is important. You can just *try* to change... and "just trying" doesn't cut it. But, when you muster your courage to make major changes, and KEEP your courage - that is when real change happens. Courage is hard.

Wisdom to know - wouldn't we all like to think we have wisdom? I would love to think that. But I am learning (gaining wisdom) that along this path, this wisdom is only something you gain by experience. I have not had enough experience to have the wisdom to know the difference between something I can change, and something I need to give to God. Those who think they are wise, are, well, probably not. Profound, huh?

Many people know the Serenity Prayer. I have been saying it a lot lately. And not just saying it, but really trying to believe it and live with it.

The weekend was hard. I had a slip - well, I would call it a relapse - and I am feeling blue. But what I have discovered is that *this weekend* wasn't the issue. It was the problems leading up to the weekend. I wasn't letting ANYTHING go. I was keeping it all in, festering. Every mean patient phone call, all the anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment. Feeling all of these things because of situations I CAN NOT CHANGE. I have NO CONTROL, and yet I let these things live in me and burn me up.

There is NO wisdom in this.

I am a work in progress. I always will be, because no one is perfect. I can only be the best me that I can be. The best me I can be is someone who is not taken over by food and sugar.

Weigh in Day

Good morning, fellow bloggers.

Well, it's weigh in day for me. Last time I weighed in was Feb 23. 3 weeks ago. So, I had a lot of expectation this morning. I have been looking forward to it and dreading it all at once. So, this morning, I just did it.

Feb 23 - 207
March 16 - 204

Fuck.

3 weeks. 3 lbs.

I'm not happy with this. Yes, it's a loss, but it's a really sucky loss. I am not consuming ONE FUCKING IOTA of crap food. I am exercising. I lose 3 fucking pounds in 3 whole weeks.

It seriously makes me want to cry.

This is the real kick in the ass. I can't even REALLY change anything... I mean, I am tracking every few days (because tracking everyday gets me obsessive, plus I am pretty much eating the same thing every day) to keep calories in check. I'm getting in around 1500 cal per day (yesterday was around 1400, I've gone as high as 1650, but that was a day 2 weekends ago when we ate out at the vegan restaurant)... I am eating NO sugar, NO processed junk, NO fried foods... I am ONLY eating when I am hungry and NOT out of boredom, fatigue, stress, anxiety... I eat a small, measured portion so as not to over eat... It doesn't even matter. I can talk about it all I want. It doesn't change anything.

I've said before. I'm doing this for recovery. But dammit, it's hard work to be totally abstinent from these things. To spend so much time everyday planning, weighing, measuring, packing every ounce of food. Finding time in my schedule to work out, even when I would rather be relaxing. 3 pounds is what I get.

Fuck you.

To top off all this shit - my husband and I had a blow-out this morning. I KNOW he is tired of me talking about food and weight and OA and all of this shit. So, great. Now I have no one to even talk to about it. I guess I'll just keep it all to myself. Awesome. It's like going back in time. "Keep everything in, Kel... don't burden anyone with your thoughts or feelings. They might not like you if you say too much".. perfect.

Chivalry is not dead

No, Chivalry is not dead.

But ONLY if you are an attractive, slim woman.

I experienced something this morning, and I immediately realized it was discrimination. Unless I am totally paranoid.

I was walking into the building I work in behind 2 very pretty, slim, well dressed ladies and 2 guys in scrubs. The guys bolted in front of the ladies (they were not all walking together) to open the door for them. The ladies walked through, and just as I was approaching the door, both guys walked through and allowed them to close - practically in my face. The inner door was the same story, except at the last second, one guy sorta/kinda held the door as he was walking through till I could grab it…

Wow.

Now, when I was 365 lbs, this kind of thing happened to me all the time. Frankly, I was so used to it, I hardly noticed after a while. I was not treated with respect or dignity that should be granted to every human being regardless of size. And I was used to it. I expected it.

How sad.

This morning, I remembered that even after 160 some-odd-pound loss, people still see me as a fatty. After all, accordning to the numbers, I am still obese. Not even overweight yet - still obese.

This is discouraging. I look at myself and I think I look ok. I mean, not great, of course. With about 50 lbs still to lose in total, I can't look that good. But damn, I don't think I'm so ugly as to merit being totally ignored in what should be a common courtesy for all.

I know, I am making too much of this.

But, it's tough when this starts your day.

A little about an experiment today. I am attempting to eat a little more at each meal (not to the point of being over full - listening carefully to my body) and attempting to not eat snacks in between. This is only an experiment. If I get very hungry and it's not near lunch time yet, I do have snacks I can eat. We are just going to see.

So, as an example: normally or breakfast I would have 2 morningstar veggie sausage patties. This morning, I had 2 oz chicken breast meatballs, 1/4 cup reduced fat cheese, on a multigrain and flaxseed tortilla wrap. (Mustard and hot sauce on it - yum!) So, a but heavier, and more caloric.

We will see if this effects my hunger.

I am doing this, knowing full well that I have to really, truly listen to my body. I cannot allow myself to get too hungry, or it could set me up for a binge.

I will report back later.

I'm sure I'll be back with some pearls of wisdom later.

Conversations....

Feeling a bit overwhelmed today. Lots of work to do, and I'm having a hard time prioritizing it all.

But, it's Wednesday and it's my last day of class before Spring Break!

Woohoo!

Remember when Spring Break meant partying on some kind of beach?

Yea, neither do I.

Hey, I went to music school! We spent our spring break touring various parts of the country with our choirs!

This spring break is very, very needed, however. These 2 classes combined with the jobs and family and theater and exercise... well, it's A LOT. I am going to be seriously happy when the semester is over and I am taking the summer OFF of classes (I think)

I got home from class last night, ate my salad for dinner and sat down.
The conversation with my hubby went like this:

ME: "I really should work out"
HIM: "Hmmm"
ME: "Should I work out?"
HIM: "Don't ask me, because I'll tell you NO"
ME: "I really should work out"

Can you tell where this was going?? I could see it already. Finally I said "Well, if I have enough time to sit here and question if I "should", I should just be doing it"

So, I got off my ass and did a 30 minute kickboxing workout. It was pretty good. Got my sweat on, and then watched "My Fair Wedding" on demand (Don't judge me!) After a very hot shower, I was done. Collapsed in bed. Morning came WAAAYYYY too soon.

I posted on Facebook about working out, and my mom commented "Where do you get the energy?"

The thing is, most of the time, I don't have the energy, but regardless of that, it has to be done. I don't want to do dishes, or laundry, I don't really want to work - but these things simply have to be done in order to live a sane, orderly life. It's the same with moving my body and eating abstinently.

On a slightly off topic, I need to go out and buy a Spring jacket this weekend. Something appropriate for work. Everything I own is either way too big, or is a sweat jacket!

Ok, people - soldier on! What are you going to do today to move your body? Is whatever you are putting in your mouth reflective of taking care of yourself? Think about it!!
So, what can you do today to get some movement in today? There really is NO excuse!

Monday, and memories...

Holy losing an hour, batman!!

I love the "return of the sun" - no doubt, and it's supposed to be upwards of 60 degrees here today - W00T! But wow, losing that hour this weekend was TOUGH.

How easily my "delicate composition" is disturbed!

I just went outside for a little walk and man, is it gorgeous. It would be a perfect day to play hookie!

However, I have a much better use for the PTO days I am trying
(desperately) to accumulate. My plastic surgery.

Yes, it's still in my plan. I hoping for fall - but I want to be down to at least 175 first. Tummy tuck and brachioplasty (arm lift). I am going to a new plastic surgeon who is SURE she can get the tummy tuck covered. It's a hard thing to do, for sure, but because of my access hanging skin (TMI, I know) I have rashing and skin irritation so badly, that it has bled. It has become infected. I have been to the dermatologist a few times now and she has given me creams to use. They burn... but they do help clear things up temporarily. Summer is the worst... Anyway, with all of this info, this doc is sure that insurance will cover it, and I will pay out of pocket for my arms. Actually, my mom is helping me with that. She told me she knows how much it bothers me and she wants to help. It DOES bother me, for sure. I look at these awesome muscles I am forming, and then I see this huge flap of skin dangling from underneath the arm. It's gross. I don't wear anything sleeveless, and prefer to not even wear short sleeved things. Sometimes, you just have to, however. The heat of the summer just won't allow for 3/4 sleeves!

This weekend was good... got in a great workout on Saturday, eating was great, but I have not run since my race last weekend! *gasp* Very bad!! This week I vow to get in at least 2 runs, and next week I am going to up it, since I will be on spring break from classes and my evenings will be free (well, mostly)

I am scared and excited to weigh in on Friday. I am hoping and praying I see the number I want to see - the number I have been waiting YEARS to see: anything with a 1 in front of it!
I know the numbers are "arbitrary"... I feel really good. My clothes are getting bigger and bigger... my wedding rings are getting loose again... I am eating really well, with no junk... All good signs that I am losing weight. I just don't want to get on the scale and see little-to-no change.

I fantasize about being safely in the 190's... only to continue to move down from there.

At 180/185 I will book my consult appointment with the plastic surgeon.
Ok - back to reality.

Friday will be what it will be. It will not change what I am trying to do. I am trying to recover. I cannot let whatever number on the scale effect that. I have spent pain-staking time writing out what my recovery, working the program, and abstinence mean to me. It's an ever evolving process. Te most important aspects right now are:

Not consuming sugar, white flour, and little to no processed foods.
Attending meetings
Being in touch with my sponsor
Being in touch with my HP

There are other aspects to my recovery, but these are paramount.

My next task in my recovery? Writing my food history. The story of my relationship with food. Everything I can think of. When did I start hiding food? When did I start to feel out of control? Points where it seemed to get better, or worse? Everything. This is going to take a while, as my relationship with food is loooong standing. I have a vivid memory of being in kindergarten and feeling ashamed of wanting food... how, at such a young age, could I have possibly felt ashamed of wanting what every other kid around me wanted too? There we all stood, in our classroom, and we were having ice cream sundaes. We all stood in line, waiting out turn to get our little dish of ice cream and toppings. One of the adults said something about me looking like I was "licking my chops"... and I was mortified. My cheeks burn red even now. How did I know I should be ashamed?

I also remember vividly the first time someone called me fat. I was in 2nd grade. I didn't know I was fat! I remember crying so hard, going home and eating those feelings down... 2nd grade... It was the same year we had a Thanksgiving Feast in our classroom. Parents were invited, and we all wore little pilgrim and Indian hats and all brought in food to share. When it was time to get up and get food, I sat in my chair and cried. I was so embarrassed to get up and get food and eat in front of others, all I could do was sit and cry. My poor teacher had no idea what was going on! Why did I feel that way?

These moments in my life live in me as though they were yesterday. My eyes sting with tears and my cheeks burn with embarrassment.

*sigh* So, as you can see, this task is going to take a while.

But, I will do whatever it takes to recover. I will do whatever it takes to live a sane life.

Ok, this is getting deep, so I'm outta here... Peace, my soldiers - keep moving forward!

Clever, clever title... la, la, la...

Just a short post right now, as I am almost outta work...

No Thursday "munchy" meeting - hooray! One less hurdle to hurdle.

Feeling a *little* better today than yesterday. My classes and tests are done for this week, and I can relax a little. I still have some homework to catch up on, but it will be fine.

Tomorrow is Friday. W00T! I don't know why I get so excited for weekends - I am working! Well, there will be a little free time. I will savor it...

I just want to go there and say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sponsor in OA. I tell her everything (even the crazy stuff) I think and feel about compulsive eating, sugar, recovery... everything. She is always thought provoking and always has a way of turning something I am not happy with (Like having 2 sugar free mochas yesterday - the second being used as a comfort measure) into a positive (It did NOT provoke a binge, and I can see that I "used" it, and I can trouble-shoot that next time). She has a beautiful way of speaking to me that just makes me feel calm and good.

It's that FABULOUS time of month (catch the sarcasm?) I never, ever want to use TOM as any kind of excuse. I think it's done WAY too much. Hell, I have done it way too much... it's a really easy way into eating shit and starting a binge cycle. That being said, (the guys just can't understand this) there are physical issues that go along with this. Our bodies behave differently. I am much more tired (compounded by a terrible night’s sleep - more on that in a minute) and the heaviness I feel in my belly just weighs me down. I physically am hungrier. I know this is truth and not excuse, because I have been taking so much time the past weeks tuning into my body and listening to it. I've gotten into a groove that this time of the month is bumping me out of. Not in a bad way, just... different. I refuse to let it provoke me into consuming anything that I know makes me a raving lunatic behave erratically.

Keeping my sanity, sometimes one moment at a time.

My sleep last night was terrible... come to find out it was a full moon. I kept dreaming that Thing 2 was in our room. I would jump out of bed, because I was afraid he was going to go out into the hallway and fall down the stairs (we are still working on him going down on his own). This happened a few times. Then, I would wake up and just sit up, not knowing where I was or what was going on for a moment... suddenly it was 5:45.

Ugh. Rough.

This will be week 2 without my in studio Tuff Girl workout. Last week I went for a run instead - I didn't want super sore muscles going into my race the next day. This week, well, Tuff Girl is closed so that Christa and Mike and their two girls could go have a much deserved vacation. Even while on vaca, Christa posted a pic on facebook of her working out in the hotel gym. She is amazing!

Speaking of races - I have one in the works for April, and then one where I will be fundraising for MS in May. Thing 2 and I are also going to do the Family Fun Run - he is SUPER excited!

Ok, well, not quite short, but I have to run - cause I get to leave soon! It's a gorgeous day (from what I am told - I'm not sure, I work in a basement) and I am going to go home and get my little ones out to play for a bit. Awesome end to a day!

Peace everyone!

Candy-coated shell...

Hi. I'm here. Having a shitty day... patients dying, doctors talkin' smack...overly dramatic actors having diva fits...delightful. More than any other time in the past few weeks I want to eat the candy sitting in my bosses office. It would be so easy. No one would even bat an eye - it's so common-place in this office to eat mounds of candy. You are practically an outsider if you DON'T.

I'm not going to, because my own sanity is more important. Those damn
M&M's won't bring my patients back. They won't keep diva's from being diva's. They won't give one of the doctors I work for any common sense or respect for anyone else.

But they would taste good. And they would give me a moment. A moment of peace, calm, relaxation. I would feel good. However, it would be very, very short-lived. Then the obsession would begin. The excuses. The shame. The worry. The pain. Ultimately, the weight gain (because it's bound to continue)

Doesn't sound so good anymore.

All I can do right now is ask God to help me feel calm and to move through these feelings.

Another test tonight. Behind on homework... feeling sunk. Looking forward to Spring Break week so I can relax after work at least a *few* nights! Then this summer - no classes - ahh... no classes, no teaching... what will I do with all that time?

Oh, I will think of SOMETHING!

I did an at-home Tuff Girl workout last night. There is just some magic in that studio... when you go, you just work harder - it's like, instinctual! I did it, I got my sweat on, but I don't think I worked as hard as I could have.

Well, back to the grind. The only good thing about having a test tonight is I can leave as soon as I am done. I will get home just in time to smooch Thing 1 good-night. Then dinner, and dive into past due homework. I wanted to go to an online OA meeting tonight (I LOVE these – so great since my schedule is so hectic) but I honestly don’t think there are enough hours to get it in…

On the bright side – it’s supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow… Shut the FRONT DOOR that will be fabulous! Daylight savings this weekend. I hate losing an hour of sleep, but I LOVE getting some daylight back! SWEET!

I'm plugging along.

Food is going really well. I have had my temptation moments, but I am able to surpase them.

I was in awe at how much I wanted to reward myself with food after my race! As my sponsor pointed out - the RACE ITSELF is the reward! So true! But my addiction is fierce and tried to talk me into lots and lots of food to "compensate" for all thoese burned calories! Wha?? LOL... silly, silly addict!

I ate very well all day... just a little off my "schedule" (meals were a little later than normal) but I ate all my typical, standard food that I enjoy, I don't obsess over, and is healthy, balanced and nutrient rich.

The hubs and I went out to a nice dinner with some friends on Saturday night. We went to a vegan restaurant for the first time. I checked out the menu online and decided what I was going to have before we got there, so I could account for it properly. I glanced at the menu again when we got there, but was happy with my choice, so I stuck with it. It was AWSOME. Almost all veggies, so it wasn't heavy. Really good experience. I didn't feel obsessive about it at all. No worries, just enjoyed my time out. As a parent of 2 young ones, it's hard to come by.

I am ITCHING to weigh myself. I have an expectation about what I want to see on the scale when I weigh in on 3/16. But, I want prepare myself for how I will feel if I don't see what I want to see.

Not weighing has been VERY freeing, however... I don't see and obsess about the normal fluctuations. And, because I am eating well and moving my body, I don't need to obsess that my weight might be going up!

Wow, I do a lot of obsessing... lol. Maybe I didn't notice just HOW much until I stopped!

The weather around here has been FRIGID. I have said before, I live in New England, so it seems to come with the territory. However, we have been very blessed with a mild winter... and only now does it seem to want to make up for lost time! in the 20's this morning. I was hoping for a run tonight, but I will have to see about the temps... maybe an awesome, fat toarching TUFF GIRL workout instead!

One of the things that is SO amazing about Christa at Tuff Girl is that she not only runs these classes, but EVERY WEEK send out a news letter that always includes a number of workouts to do at home. Amazing.

If anyone is interested on getting a sneak peak of Christa and what we do at Bodyology, check out THIS article!!

I've been keeping up with ALLAN and his peeps doing a great challenge! Get it, guys!! Keep it up!!

Ok, I'm off for now... keep strong and soldier on!

5K recap

Lots to update on. It's really hard for me to post on the weekends - time is simply not on my side.
let's start with my 5K recap!

So, hubby and I both did the ShamRock N Roll 5K in New Haven. It's a fun event, good cause, overall good time. LOTS of people signed up - over 2200 people ran. And it FELT like it, especially at the very start. Wow.

It was FREEZING out. I was decked out in my gloves, layered running top, pants, fleece vest and face cover/hood. At the last minute, I decided to leave the hood in the car. I'm glad I did - it was cold while we waited, but it would have been a hindrance once we started.

Hubby was especially nervous, as he didn't train as much for this as he wanted to, on top of which, it was his first one ever. We discussed our strategy: He runs faster than I do, but he would need more walk breaks, so, we figured we wouldn't get too far from each other, even in running our "own" race. We made a pact that we would start running, and cover as much ground as possible in our first running stint. Just keep going. Wait till the last possible second to walk.

We were off and the hubs was immediately ahead of me. People swarmed in around me and I lost sight of him right away. No biggie, just surprising at how fast he took off!! I was very proud! I maintained my pace and just kept moving along. Training on the hills surely helped, because I felt good for a while. The course opened up a little and I just tuned into my music. I went by song. "I will run through this song and the next, and then see how I feel"... those songs would go by and I would again tell myself "one more song, I feel good"...At one point I caught up to the hubs and jogged by with a wave. He was doing great. Because the course was a loop, I very quickly began to see the very fastest runners returning... wow, I couldn't believe how quickly! I later found out that that winner did the 3.2 miles in just over 15 minutes. Woh.

I came upon the loop around, and I knew I was over half way done. I was very proud - had not walked at all! Once I was around the loop and starting back I took a walk break. About 45 seconds or so, just to catch my breath, slow my heart-rate a little, and I ran again. I ended up taking 2 more walk breaks - one was up the last HILL (Yes, it was lovely on the way DOWN it, the way up - near the end of the race? Not so fun). I new I was very close to the finish line, so I put on the most awesome running song ever (Pump It, Black Eyed Peas) and I sprang forward and finish strong. I rounded the corner to the finish and I have never had to push myself so much mentally. I kept up the slightly faster pace to finish. Once I was across the finish line, I almost fell over, my legs were so wobbly... but I made it. 39:16.

I walked back around to the course to cheer the hubs on. He came in strong, at 42:26.

These times may seem ridiculous to some runners, but I am personally very, very happy with mine. When I started "running" 5K (this is only my 3rd) I walked most of my first and made it in 45:08... so, in my limited training, I have shaved 6 minutes off my time. My goal is to A. finish without any walk breaks, and B. to finish in 35 minutes. I have some work to do, but I feel good.

I'm looking forward to my next, which probably won't be till April.

I'll be back later to update on other stuff!

The hole in my heart

I am not ashamed to say that I am an OA program member. Being a member means lots of things: abstinence (whatever that means for you), self discovery, admitting your issues, letting those issues go, self acceptance, self love...

I am scared of all of these things.

I thought the scariest part was not eating sugar and flour. Nope.

Hmm, maybe the scariest part is not being able to weigh myself everyday? Nope.

It's the other stuff, which have nothing and everything to do with food.

I have issues.

I have traits I am not proud of.

I have done things I am not proud of, that I am downright ashamed of.

I have taken all of these things and stuffed them down into a little space in my heart.

I used sugar and food to plug up the hole of that space. Can't let those shitty feelings out, now can we?

Oh, don't get me wrong. I feel things. I am an array of emotions. I am OVERLY emotional!

But feeling these feelings? These things that are shameful? These things that are my defects of character?

Dear God.

The food. The sugar. It plugs up that hole nice and tight.

But it's not there in abstinence.

So, what happens? The hole becomes unplugged... and those feelings start to leak out... slowly at first, perhaps. I may even be able to keep them in on my own for a while...

But that won't last.

And I am scared.

If I were relieved of these things, would my compulsion go with them?

I don't know.

If I admit these defect, will I still be loved? Will my family still love me? Will I be left all alone?

You see, it's not JUST about staying on an eating plan.

I think about myself a few years ago. 365 lbs. I needed OA then, but I could not take the time to use it, because the weight was going to start shutting down my body. I was already not getting regular menstrual cycles. My blood pressure was borderline (and I was LUCKY for that!) I was insulin resistant. I was 29, the mother of a 1 year old. I needed to get the weight off. Could I have done it in conjunction? Yes

Why didn't I? Because the weight was coming off. And at that point in my life, I would ahve "used" OA as a diet plan. It would not have worked. Just like no other "diets" worked.

The surgery was my physical miracle.

For a while, the binges stopped completely. I really thought they were gone.

I lost 160 lbs.
I have 40-50 more to lose.

But, this disease doesn't go anywhere. It may go dormant for a while, but can come up at any time, just as fiercely as ever. It is NEVER GONE.

So, all of this babbling comes down to this: Now it is time to deal with the head shit. With the heart shit. With all the shit that was super easy to keep down with food.

This is gonna get seriously wild, folks. Hang on to your hats.