Thursday, March 1, 2012

The hole in my heart

I am not ashamed to say that I am an OA program member. Being a member means lots of things: abstinence (whatever that means for you), self discovery, admitting your issues, letting those issues go, self acceptance, self love...

I am scared of all of these things.

I thought the scariest part was not eating sugar and flour. Nope.

Hmm, maybe the scariest part is not being able to weigh myself everyday? Nope.

It's the other stuff, which have nothing and everything to do with food.

I have issues.

I have traits I am not proud of.

I have done things I am not proud of, that I am downright ashamed of.

I have taken all of these things and stuffed them down into a little space in my heart.

I used sugar and food to plug up the hole of that space. Can't let those shitty feelings out, now can we?

Oh, don't get me wrong. I feel things. I am an array of emotions. I am OVERLY emotional!

But feeling these feelings? These things that are shameful? These things that are my defects of character?

Dear God.

The food. The sugar. It plugs up that hole nice and tight.

But it's not there in abstinence.

So, what happens? The hole becomes unplugged... and those feelings start to leak out... slowly at first, perhaps. I may even be able to keep them in on my own for a while...

But that won't last.

And I am scared.

If I were relieved of these things, would my compulsion go with them?

I don't know.

If I admit these defect, will I still be loved? Will my family still love me? Will I be left all alone?

You see, it's not JUST about staying on an eating plan.

I think about myself a few years ago. 365 lbs. I needed OA then, but I could not take the time to use it, because the weight was going to start shutting down my body. I was already not getting regular menstrual cycles. My blood pressure was borderline (and I was LUCKY for that!) I was insulin resistant. I was 29, the mother of a 1 year old. I needed to get the weight off. Could I have done it in conjunction? Yes

Why didn't I? Because the weight was coming off. And at that point in my life, I would ahve "used" OA as a diet plan. It would not have worked. Just like no other "diets" worked.

The surgery was my physical miracle.

For a while, the binges stopped completely. I really thought they were gone.

I lost 160 lbs.
I have 40-50 more to lose.

But, this disease doesn't go anywhere. It may go dormant for a while, but can come up at any time, just as fiercely as ever. It is NEVER GONE.

So, all of this babbling comes down to this: Now it is time to deal with the head shit. With the heart shit. With all the shit that was super easy to keep down with food.

This is gonna get seriously wild, folks. Hang on to your hats.


  1. Well written, and I am shaking a little.. Namaste..

  2. Great post, it's time to face the music, huh?! Best wishes. You're not alone.

  3. Brave post babe, brave. To answer your questions - YES - you will absolutely be still loved and cherished. The people that do already know you have faults and shames - and they love you anyway. YOU are prob the only one who couldn't admit you had them and couldn't love yourself anyway. No one is perfect. Everyone is human - and there's a crapload of us who have the same addictions you do....take care.