I keep forgetting it's Valentine's Day. For real.

Thanks for the feedback on yesterdays post. I hear what you guys are saying and I TOTALLY get it. I’m nervous about this decision, but I feel secure about it at the same time. Oxy-moron, right? I know…

I am really working at being VERY in touch with my body right now. When you are 365 or even 265, you don’t want to be in touch with your body. You want to ignore it and stuff your face. Well, at least, I did. So, now when I am feeling edgy I ask myself why. If I *think* I am hungry, I stop and ask myself if I really am, or if it’s something else. RIGHT NOW, in THIS MOMENT, it’s working for me. I can’t say I am never going to weigh myself, because I know that’s not true, but for right now, I’m staying away.

My biggest fear is the truth sitting in the back of my mind. The “truth”, or thought, that says “when you DO eventually get on the scale, you will see a big loss! Can’t wait!”

It’s back there. Lurking. And then the reality – what if I DON’T see that loss? What am I going to do then? How am I going to feel?

I would LOVE to say I could move on from it, but I know that is a lie. Ok, maybe “lie” is a little harsh. But I know it would be tremendously difficult to move on from it. Looking at what I am eating and the training I am doing, I feel like my body should be dropping fat. So, what it comes down to is: Just because I’m not getting on the scale, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about what the scale is going to say.

So, really, is there any difference? Am I just as obsessed as before, just keeping it under control for the moment? I have no idea.

Eats for today:

After getting a call for a 90 minute delay for school this morning, my day got all screwy! LOL. I’m used to waiting till I come into work for breakfast, but hanging at home, I was really feeling hungry. So, things are a little off:

Ezekiel bread, pb (home)

Ezekiel bread, pb (the one I packed for work)

4oz chicken breast with spicy seasoning, salsa, ½ sweet potato

4 oz plain greek yogurt, 3 oz blueberries

Banana (right before spin)

Salad for dinner, with chicken breast on top.

2 servings of PB = being extra careful with calories for today, but still rockin’ out with 80 grms of protein today.

Spin class after work.

Dinner and general cleaning myself up after spin

Choir after dinner.

Oh right, crap – Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I got Thing 1 and Thing 2 little cards and little stuffed hearts that giggle. I’ll be totally annoyed with the noise by the end of the evening. But, I figure the little hearts are small, so they will lose them fast. J

I’m an awesome mama like that.

No candy hearts for me today. No chocolate filled anything. Actually, hubby and I aren’t even celebrating till the first weekend in March, when we might have a little money to actually go out and have a nice dinner. This will probably be the first V-Day in my life I haven’t given myself “permission” to eat some chocolate. **I mean, after all, it is a holiday right? It is the thing to do, right?** Hmmm. Easy excuses to fall into. Not today, my friends.

Much love to you all. I hope you all find love in your lives. Getting love from outside people is wonderful, but from YOURSELF is the most important.