Trying not to suck

This is a drive by post.

Things are a little sucky.

Stress is out of control.

This new system in the hospital SUCKS.

Ok. Now that is out of my system (for the moment)

Eating has been *ok* - NOT great, and NOT clean by “clean” definition.

I’ve been weighing myself constantly and driving myself crazy. I almost didn’t even recognize that this is an issue till my friend Chubs wrote about doing something similar… I thought to myself “Hmmm, maybe weighing yourself 4 times a day is not a great idea”

Dumb ass.

I haven’t worked out since Sunday. I signed up for a spin class tonight, squeezing it in between Thing 1’s parent-teacher conference and choir practice. Now there is a blizzard coming and we are woh-fully short on food in the cabinets and with the very real threat of possibly losing power, we need to get fireplace logs and batteries. So, there goes the only 45 minutes I had today that I was going to use for spin.

My Group Power class went down the drain yesterday because Thing 2 came in from school and begged me to stay home with him. That he missed me and I never play with him anymore. It broke my heart. Maybe a stronger mama would have been able to pry herself away from a crying child, but I couldn’t. In truth, what am I doing this for? I’m not training for a competition. I’m not looking to become a hard-body. I want to have a NORMAL BMI. I want to be FIT. I want to be HEALTHY – and once again, let’s be honest – I want it for myself, but I also REALLY want it for my kids!

When I was 365 lbs, and I could hardly walk up the stairs carrying my not-yet-1-year-old Thing 1, I knew things had to change. And they HAVE changed. They CONTINUE to change. But what is the good of change if I can’t find the balance between the things I need to do to continue the change and being with my family? It’s for naught.

I’m probably not articulating this well. I’m sorry.

Anyway, the constant weighing stops now. Re-focusing on a more “challenge” type eating plan. My surgery is 27 days away – 27! I can’t believe it! I’m about $200 away from my goal. I’ve filed my FMLA papers and given the forms to my doctor, and my pre-admission testing is 2/18. I’m still striving to be the fittest version of myself I can possibly be for that time.

I’m still happy to say I am doing wall pushups and sumo squats every time I go to the rest room. LOL. Maybe that’s TMI, but it’s truth. I’m also still doing the Burpee Challenge for the month – 30 due today! It’s going to be a family burpee-a-thon when we get home.

So, to sum up. I feel like I am sucking. I am trying very hard not to suck as much moving forward. I am allowing my stress to wreck havoc on me, and I cannot do this. I mean, seriously, I’m waking up in the middle of the night with weird dreams about this work shit and my face is broken out like a hormonal teenager! BAH!

So, there we are… how are you all doing out there???