Tuesday, June 28, 2011

So stagnant... so defeated

Money Sucks.
Ok, LACK of money sucks.
There are SO many things I want to be doing. I want to become a certified wellness life coach, a bariatric coach, and I found this awesome program through the Nutritional Therapy Association... all cost money. Money I don't have, even though I work 2 jobs. I just wish I could GET ON WITH THIS already. I feel so STAGNANT. I want to doing my own thing. Making my own rules. Being my own boss. But I can't. I'm stuck. I have a good job where 1/2 my paycheck goes to part time daycare for my 2 little Gems. Bills up the wazoo. Besides that, I have no money to do things like keep up with my once weekly Tuff Girl Workouts. My amazing brother bought me my last punch card for my birthday, and I have been enjoying it since then. But, my last class on that card will be Thursday, and I have absolutely no money to get another card. I HATE that. I finally find something that pushes me. That has helped me LOVE pushing my body, and I can't do it because of stupid money.
Is there another way? Another way I can be happy and do what I want to do? Or is that simply not an option for middle class people? Is it my fault that I worked toward something that it ended up I couldn't do for so long? Is it my fault I decided to get married to a wonderful man and have two amazing children? So, that means I can't do anything else with my life?
What am I going to do? It's too much, and not enough. How is that possible?
I have also been having really morbid thoughts lately. I think it's because I am working so much with death. The patients I deal with are many times patients with cancer. It just seems like more than likely, either me or the hubs are going to get really sick at some point. I don't know why I feel like that. I sometimes think that any day now one of us will be diagnosed with cancer, or have a heart attack, or something terrible. Hmmm, maybe I need to up the dose of my Prozac, huh??
There has to be a way to make these changes. I so much want to help people become healthy individuals. I want a pretty office space, which I can use to meet clients, help them develop a program that works for their bodies. Help them begin an exercise routine, refer them to other professionals if they need it (therapist, holistic practitioners) But it seems like there is no way to make it happen, unless I win the lotto. And I don't play lotto. With my money woes, I think the last thing I need to do is waste money on that, since I have no luck.
Sorry this entry is so whiney. I'm feeling very defeated.


  1. I say we invent the money tree because I have the same issue, so many things I want to do and the lack of money prevents me and it SUCKS!

  2. Unfortunately dreams do cost money but you can't give up. No, Lotto isn't the answer either. Chances of winning that are pretty much non existent. But....remember when you needed a full time job so bad and it was taking forever? Remember when you weren't even in school? Remember when losing weight and being healthy felt like something that woould never happen? Look how far you have come. Look to the future to see how far you will go. You may not get it all but you will get some. And sometimes we just have to be content with that. :-) (Yeah, I know...I am a freakin' cheerleader and I will now shut up! LOL) Just remember this have kicked ass, you will continue to kick ass and one day you will be kicking other people's asses! Hugs!

  3. I totally know how you feel. "Defeated" is certainly my adjective lately. I don't want to sit here and say things will get better, because that's what everyone says to me and I know it's frustrating (especially when it feels like there's no end in sight) - so I'll just wish you the strength to get through this tough time. ♥