Tuesday, May 8, 2012


WHEW! I can't believe it's been a week since I posted! Sorry about that guys! It's the end of the sememster, and time was not my friend the past week. I am happy to say that I am DONE with my biology class (expecting an A) and tonight is my Dietetics final project due and Final exam, and then.... I am DONE until the end of August!

I seriously need this break. I've said it already, and I'll say it again. I am SO glad I decided not to take a summer course!

I have done some internal work on my recovery/abstinence. I will always be a work in progress. I am in-perfect. My eating will not ever be "perfect".. because my definition of Perfect does not exist. There is always *something* wrong with it. And if there are too many *somethings* wrong with it - my brain likes to go into Black/White mode. It goes something like this:

"Look, you have already had more carbs than you should. Just forget it. Go ahead and eat some ice cream. You have to start all over again tomorrow, anyway"

On really bad days it sounds like this:

"You are such a f*ck up. Why do you even bother. Loser"

Which drives me to seek comfort in my drug of choice.

Yeah. Good times.

One of my major tasks is to get out of Black/White mindset. There are too many days where the numbers aren't always going to be perfect. So, what, I'm going to over eat compulsively on those days, and make it WORSE?? I know, it seems like a totally *DUH* thing - I can't explain my insanity. All I can do is strive for sanity and peace.

So, getting myself out of this mindset takes some getting used to. I have to talk to myself and God a LOT.
One bite of something does NOT equal binge time. It is a time to move on. It's a time to let go of the obsession.

I'm a work in progress. Of course.

I've been eating well. Actually, last night I was AMAZING - I actually took ice cream out of the freezer (I know, I know... we normally don't even have it in the house, but it was there from a gathering this weekend) and had the spoon in my hand. I stopped. DO I really want to do this? I am hungry. This won't sure that. All it will do is promote guilt, sadness and anger. Put it away.

And I did.

I went instead to my go-to snack. 1 granny smith apple, cut up and nuked for 1-2 min till it's warm and a little soft (I can't eat raw apples because of an allergy) and 1 tbs of natural PB mixed in. Awesome.

It was a proud moment.

So, I'm here. I'm walking my program. I'm starting at Tuff Girl Fitness 2x per week now, SO excited!

Off to take my last final of the semester! WOOT!

1 comment:

  1. If you could explain your insanity... You would become instantly FAMOUS! because being able to explain insanity at all... AMAZING! ;)

    We all have/had/having those moments, where everything feels like it is just falling apart. But like you said, WE are NOT perfect. We will never be perfect. Perfect does not exist. Sorry to those who think it does. One day they will realize it doesn't. But like you said, one bite, does not equal a binge. It is a bite. that is all... move on ... :) You are amazing! You are doing an amazing job! Look at those pics on the side!! You are a new person!!

    And you get summer off!! ;) Woot woot!!

    Keep on doing what you are doing!!