Friday, November 9, 2012

Where did I go?

Well, I am just feeling downright shitty.
I can’t get out of the f*cking hole I have dug myself into.
I have no motivation to workout. To eat right. To do much of anything.
I’ve been trying to find a counselor for almost 2 weeks. When I get a call back from someone I have contacted, they practically laugh at me when I ask if they have availability on Friday evening or Saturday – my only 2 available days.
I can’t believe I can’t get help because of my schedule.
I’m feeling a little desperate.
I think it’s time to buckle down and do a challenge week. I gotta get it together here. I feel bloated, and huge. I feel terrible about myself.
I’m singing in a concert tonight and I feel like a whale. I’m having horrible visions of my dress not zipping. I can’t wait till it’s just over. This is another way I know things aren’t right in my head… I normally get nervous before a concert, but I never ever wish it would just be over. And at this point, I wish I didn’t have to do it at all.
I’m working on a special project tomorrow with my family. I hope the minions will be well behaved enough for me to accomplish it. It’s something really important to me. But, you just never know how the kids are going to behave.
I know very well it seems like I am really falling apart over here. Like I’m going to become one of those people who says “I’m gonna start Monday!” And then next Monday and the next. I want to shout out “THAT’S NOT ME ANYMORE” – but I have no confidence.
Where did it all go?
Where did I go?
I’m going to publish this, against my better judgment. This blog, first and foremost is MY PLACE. So I post what I want. But there is fear of knowing people will read this and think I am freaking Looney Tunes.
Maybe I am.


  1. You are not looney tunes! You are a very VERY busy person who takes care of a lot of things and a lot of people. It is just SO easy to lose yourself when life gets crazy, and even easier to put yourself last. Hang in there, you'll find your mojo, I promise. Just cut yourself a little slack, that's a BIG part of taking care of yourself.

    Thanks for always posting your true self. You are inspiring.

  2. I am 100% with you and reading your post reminded me YET AGAIN... I am not in this alone. My issues are not unique to me. You are not in this alone and your feelings of being up then down are NORMAL. What we need to do is not throw everything away though because of the stupid "Im not good enough, Im not worthy,ect" Its not real unless we let them be real. I say we fake it til we make it... keep doing the things you know you NEED to do and eventually the good vibes will return and you will be happy that you didnt gain back 15 lbs in the process!

  3. Aww babe...feel better....I know you're strong enough to get through all this "funk".

  4. Hey Kellian. First of all I wanted you to know that you have been a great inspiration for me in my weight loss process.

    In my opinion each person's blog is their space to release a little bit of tension maybe. At least it's helped me to clear my mind and understand better what's going on to write about it.

    I hope you get some help with your counseling soon and get some peace to your mind, you deserve it.

    Have a good week.