Monday, February 20, 2012
Finding Sanity, Day 2
Insanity. That is my life. Total, chaotic insanity. It needs to stop. I am stopping it. But I cannot do it alone.
I have mentioned before that I am a sugar addict. It's total truth. It is truth - but I didn't truly accept it. If I had really accepted it and been honest with myself, I would have known that it had to stop totally. Sugar simply cannot enter my body. It makes me insane. I am like a little crack addict - no lie. I am sure you read about my demise... In truth that has been one of many downslides with sugar and overeating/binging. I can go along just fine for a while - no sugar - no worries. Then, I start to think "I've got this. No problem. I'm not addicted. I can have just a little..." promises of getting "back on track tomorrow" lead to the consumption of oodles of sugar... leading me into severe blood sugar spikes and drops - shaking, sweats, pain. I am not exaggerating. One would think that would lead to the swearing off of this harmful substance. And yet, as soon as the pain subsides, I want more. This can go on for days, weeks, months... The face of addiction, my friends.
I admit to myself that I cannot do this alone, and that I am totally powerless against these substances.* I cannot continue this cycle. It's not just about weight loss now - it's about becoming SANE. Where does my perfectly (well, mostly) rational mind go when I eat that first Cadbury egg? I have no blessed idea. The fact is, right now I don't have to know where it goes. I have to keep it from GOING THERE.
I have reached out for help, and I have found it. Today is Day 2 of my abstaining from sugar and from overeating. I am taking a good, hard look at myself and being totally honest with myself. About everything. From how a food makes me feel physically and emotionally. As someone who is a compulsive overeater and sugar addict - *feeling* the sensations a food creates in my body is NOT something I have ever really done - Usually it's about getting it in and getting the "high". Yes, it tastes good for the first few bites, but after that, the taste dissipates. Other reactions begin: Gas? Bloating? Pain? Aches? Just ignore it. It will go away... till the next time.
I will be asking myself hard questions and doing some serious soul digging. I really don't know what will come up. But whatever it is, it is for the purposes of getting my mind and body in a good, healthy, sane place.
*Let's talk about "powerlessness" for a second. I have fought against this idea for so long. I'm FAR from powerless, dammit! But I had to look at this in a different way. Once I have put this substance in my body (by MY power) I am THEN powerless against the reaction. The chemical, physiological reaction. This reaction makes me LESS able to maintain my control over it again in the short term. The powerlessness is NOT something I can control or fix. HOWEVER, I CAN be powerful and control the putting of that substance IN my body to begin with. That's not easy. No, no... not at all, or we would all be slim and fit and healthy. That is why some of us need to reach out and get help.
Thank God there is help out there. Here is my plan:
Eating - eating 5-6 times per day. No sugar (including things like honey, agave nectar and all those "good for you" sugars), no white flour. I will be eating whole, healthy foods, including fruits, veggies, lean proteins, fats, and starches. (Sound familiar?? LOL) EVERYTHING without exception, will be weighed and measured.
Exercise - I will continue my previous exercise regimen - no reason to change that! I will battle and struggle, and I pray that this work will help me restore my sanity.
Weighing - I will not weigh in for now. Right now, I know what I weigh (within 2-3 lbs) and I will not be weighing again until March 16. I will be weighing in about every month. This plan is about separating myself from obsession with the scale. I need to focus on recovering. The only scale I will visit everyday is the food scale!
Other things that I am working on, that although they are not directly realted to eating and food, help me in my road to recovery: getting my rest (In bed, for sleep, by 10) No TV for approx 1 hour before bedtime. Time for meditation/prayer/relaxation at least one time per day.
I can practically hear the scoffing now - another plan to fail, right? This is different because it HAS to be. Because I refuse to live in this insanity anymore. I am going to be free.