I told you I would be back today...
Basically, I am typing to keep my hands out of the M&M's in my office.
Those damn M&M's are calling my name, and I am NOT answering.
I am working (ok, I'm blogging) and ignoring them.
Thankfully, I brought a Click shake in order to stave off the sweets craving. I will make it soon - but I want to hold off a little.
This really IS a rambling post...
ugh
My water is suffering a little - I've only drunk 20 oz so far - I've usually downed 40-60 oz by now. I gotta step it up, but I feel a little nauseous when I drink too much, too fast today.
I forgot the most important part of my salad today: my veggie burger. I susally cook it up, cut it up and mix it in with my salad - so my protein source for my lunch was totally absent. I know I am going to be hungry soon.
SUCK.
The click shake has protein (thankfully) but won't be in my belly long enough to keep me from being hungry.
I was never one of the lucky ones who lost that "hungry" feeling (the hormone Ghrelin, which stimulates hunger, lessens greatly in many gastric bypass patients - but not all). I like to joke that I was hungry when they were wheeling me out of surgery. Although not quite true, I never had a loss of that hungry feeling. *sigh* Would have been nice.
2.5 hours left of work. I know it must seem like I'm slacking big time since I am blogging when I should be working - but I am typing as I am on hold with other offices... therefor this blog is taking a while to type.
I want a cookie. Gr.
Ok, enough. I'm signing out and sucking it up.
Later...
PROGRESS!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Warning: potentially whiny
I mentioned a few posts ago that TOM was approaching, and even though I DO NOT use it as an excuse to overeat and not exercise, I DO use it as an excuse to be whiney and emotional. SO, that being said, if you are offended by such actions, please navigate away from this page now.
No really..... Now.
Ok?
Still here?
Alright, you asked for it...
I was totally exhausted last night and I didn't "exercise". I say "exercise" because I still walked over 13000 steps, many at a very fast pace, and I still burned 1000 calories more than I took in. That is what I strive for everyday. Still, it bugged me that I couldn't get up off my butt to do anything. Ok, let me rephrase - I could have, but chose not to. *sigh*
Probably not a great choice.
HOWEVER, I WILL have time to get in a cardio workout this evening, as the kids are going to Mimi's (my mother) house for the night, and by the time I get home from work, they will already be enjoying their time with her, and I will be able to get in a good workout and shower before rehearsal.
Score.
Tomorrow morning is Tuff Girl at 8:00 - HOORAY! I ALWAYS look forward to going there and working my BUTT off... I am sad, because it's the last class I was so graciously gifted by a friend of mine, and the struggle continues to find the cash to keep going... I think I can scrape together the cash to do a 5 class pass... but I have to really do the math. Very few students this weekend, and groceries, gas, and bills have to be the priority.
Ok, so this post is not turning out as whiny as I thought. Aren't you glad you stuck around?
I talked to my brother last night, which always makes me happy, even when I am in a crappy mood. We talked about my business, and how he has lots of ways he can help me, including building my website (which he is SUPER good at!) I am so lucky to have a supportive family.
Ok, so I am going to get a little whiny here - I really really don't want to be here today. I can already tell it's going to be a very, very long day. I want to be home. I want more sleep. I want to go to the gym. I want to go back to sleep.
Did I mention I want more sleep?
I am currently an emotional wreck. I have already cried twice at work. I have only been here just over an hour.
This does not bode well.
Alright... I'm gonna wrap this up before I continue to babble like a moron. I'm SURE you'll hear more from me later. 'Cause today, I will simply not be silenced in my whining/babbling.
It's my blog, and I'm whine/babble if I want to.
No really..... Now.
Ok?
Still here?
Alright, you asked for it...
I was totally exhausted last night and I didn't "exercise". I say "exercise" because I still walked over 13000 steps, many at a very fast pace, and I still burned 1000 calories more than I took in. That is what I strive for everyday. Still, it bugged me that I couldn't get up off my butt to do anything. Ok, let me rephrase - I could have, but chose not to. *sigh*
Probably not a great choice.
HOWEVER, I WILL have time to get in a cardio workout this evening, as the kids are going to Mimi's (my mother) house for the night, and by the time I get home from work, they will already be enjoying their time with her, and I will be able to get in a good workout and shower before rehearsal.
Score.
Tomorrow morning is Tuff Girl at 8:00 - HOORAY! I ALWAYS look forward to going there and working my BUTT off... I am sad, because it's the last class I was so graciously gifted by a friend of mine, and the struggle continues to find the cash to keep going... I think I can scrape together the cash to do a 5 class pass... but I have to really do the math. Very few students this weekend, and groceries, gas, and bills have to be the priority.
Ok, so this post is not turning out as whiny as I thought. Aren't you glad you stuck around?
I talked to my brother last night, which always makes me happy, even when I am in a crappy mood. We talked about my business, and how he has lots of ways he can help me, including building my website (which he is SUPER good at!) I am so lucky to have a supportive family.
Ok, so I am going to get a little whiny here - I really really don't want to be here today. I can already tell it's going to be a very, very long day. I want to be home. I want more sleep. I want to go to the gym. I want to go back to sleep.
Did I mention I want more sleep?
I am currently an emotional wreck. I have already cried twice at work. I have only been here just over an hour.
This does not bode well.
Alright... I'm gonna wrap this up before I continue to babble like a moron. I'm SURE you'll hear more from me later. 'Cause today, I will simply not be silenced in my whining/babbling.
It's my blog, and I'm whine/babble if I want to.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
FitBit Review
FINALLY! IT IS HERE! WHAT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!!
Ok, not nearly that dramatic.
Here is my own personal FitBit review. FitBit is NOT paying me for this, nor did I receive a FitBit for free (I only wish this were so!)
This little gem is really quite awesome. I have lost 13.6 lbs since I began using it at the end of May. I do give some credit to this little gadget, because it has made me a true data-geek. I LOVE seeing my calories expended, and you can log all your food on the site, and then see your deficit. Fab!
I personally clip it to my bra everyday. It clamps tightly and I have never had an experience where it has fallen off, even during vigorous exercise. You cannot see it, because it's so small. Any guys who might be reading - it clamps just as easily to your pocket or waist band.
One of the super-cool features of this gadget is that it automatically uploads to your PC when you are within 15 feet of the base station (which plugs into your computer). You can wear it all day long, and it will upload as soon as you are close to your computer. So cool!
The Fitbit tracks your calories expended, steps taken, distance traveled AND even tracks your sleep quality! You actually wear it on a little wrist band to bed and it will tell you how long it took you to fall asleep, how long you slept, how many times you woke up, and your overall quality of sleep!
Some other things:
You have the option of tracking activities if you, for example, aren't wearing your FitBit (perhaps swimming - do NOT wear it in the water!), or if you are doing activity, such as weight lifting, where energy (calories) is being expended, but because your movement is somewhat limited, the tracker does not log it accurately.
So, let's break this down:
Things I LOVE about my FitBit:
1. Tracking my steps/calories expended
2. tracking my sleep quality
3. FREE website to track your food and upload your data
4. website is easy to navigate, and you can track your weight, food, activity, blood pressure (note: FitBit does not TAKE your blood pressure), glucose levels (ditto), you can journal... all in one place.
Things I don't LOVE about my FitBit:
1. The food tracking: I needed to add most of my foods to the database, which I found a little annoying. Coming from Livestrong.com, where there was SO much already in the system, I had to get used to that.
2. I wish it had a few more options when it comes to activities to track.
3. I wish there was a way it could track your heart rate, so the calories were that much more accurate.
Overall, I really do love my FitBit. I think it's just the thing I needed right now in my fitness journey. In the future, I may consider upgrading to something more extensive, like a heart rate monitor of some kind, or a BodyBugg... but right now. I love my FitBit!
Ok, not nearly that dramatic.
Here is my own personal FitBit review. FitBit is NOT paying me for this, nor did I receive a FitBit for free (I only wish this were so!)
This little gem is really quite awesome. I have lost 13.6 lbs since I began using it at the end of May. I do give some credit to this little gadget, because it has made me a true data-geek. I LOVE seeing my calories expended, and you can log all your food on the site, and then see your deficit. Fab!
I personally clip it to my bra everyday. It clamps tightly and I have never had an experience where it has fallen off, even during vigorous exercise. You cannot see it, because it's so small. Any guys who might be reading - it clamps just as easily to your pocket or waist band.
One of the super-cool features of this gadget is that it automatically uploads to your PC when you are within 15 feet of the base station (which plugs into your computer). You can wear it all day long, and it will upload as soon as you are close to your computer. So cool!
The Fitbit tracks your calories expended, steps taken, distance traveled AND even tracks your sleep quality! You actually wear it on a little wrist band to bed and it will tell you how long it took you to fall asleep, how long you slept, how many times you woke up, and your overall quality of sleep!
Some other things:
You have the option of tracking activities if you, for example, aren't wearing your FitBit (perhaps swimming - do NOT wear it in the water!), or if you are doing activity, such as weight lifting, where energy (calories) is being expended, but because your movement is somewhat limited, the tracker does not log it accurately.
So, let's break this down:
Things I LOVE about my FitBit:
1. Tracking my steps/calories expended
2. tracking my sleep quality
3. FREE website to track your food and upload your data
4. website is easy to navigate, and you can track your weight, food, activity, blood pressure (note: FitBit does not TAKE your blood pressure), glucose levels (ditto), you can journal... all in one place.
Things I don't LOVE about my FitBit:
1. The food tracking: I needed to add most of my foods to the database, which I found a little annoying. Coming from Livestrong.com, where there was SO much already in the system, I had to get used to that.
2. I wish it had a few more options when it comes to activities to track.
3. I wish there was a way it could track your heart rate, so the calories were that much more accurate.
Overall, I really do love my FitBit. I think it's just the thing I needed right now in my fitness journey. In the future, I may consider upgrading to something more extensive, like a heart rate monitor of some kind, or a BodyBugg... but right now. I love my FitBit!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Pushing through
I've been trying to shove the gain I saw on the scale out of my mind. I know there is no real reason for it, and I have noticed my body tends to do this. I stay the same, I gain, I lose it all, plus more. You'd think I'd be used to it after all this time, but it still bugs me.
My heel is killing me. I think I can safely say the cortizone shot 3 weeks ago worked for about 3 days. I have to call my podiatrist and see what they next step is, since I don't think I can get another shot yet. I've been told that it may not get better since I am not resting it... but I can't rest it. I have to move. I have to walk, to workout... I can't get out of my habit or it will be that much harder to get back into it.
Granted, the running this weekend was probably excessive.
I have to find a happy medium. This may mean more spinning classes. Ugh.
Feeling a little down today, back is aching... I know what all these things are leading to. But I don't use "that time" as an excuse to sit on the couch and pig out on junk. I'd LIKE to, but come on, where would I be if one full week per month I did that? I'd still be at 365 lbs.
My Damsels in De-Stress Weight Loss Challenge group is doing wonderfully. Everyone is losing inches, and gaining lots of knowledge and insight into themselves, their weight, and their bodies. It's fantastic, and it feels so good to lead this awesome group of women. One more sign that this is what I want to be doing with my life. Motivating, inspiring and guiding people to their best, most fit, happiest selves.
No pressure. LOL
I'm doing some reasearch into starting a business. Mostly into the governement aspect of it - paperwork to be filed, etc. Looking into grants and developing my programs/plans. I may have a long way to go for a degree, but I have an awful lot of knowledge I can be passing on along the way. I plan on getting a nutrition certification, and then work on a fitness certification, as I continue working on the degrees. I think both aspects are important. Now, if I could only win the lotto so I could pay for it all... If any of you out there reading this are rich and just looking for some ways to use your money to benefit the community, feel free to grant it to me!! LOL!
Pushing through my mood, and my aches and pains. The weather this morning was gorgeous - like an early fall morning instead of the end of July. So I walked outside longer than usual. Almost 4000 steps already!
ETA: Ended the day with 13,366 steps - thanks to the addition of my spinning class this evening. Successfully removed myself from the kitchen this evening when I was on the verge of doing some damage... overall, I say not a bad day.
My heel is killing me. I think I can safely say the cortizone shot 3 weeks ago worked for about 3 days. I have to call my podiatrist and see what they next step is, since I don't think I can get another shot yet. I've been told that it may not get better since I am not resting it... but I can't rest it. I have to move. I have to walk, to workout... I can't get out of my habit or it will be that much harder to get back into it.
Granted, the running this weekend was probably excessive.
I have to find a happy medium. This may mean more spinning classes. Ugh.
Feeling a little down today, back is aching... I know what all these things are leading to. But I don't use "that time" as an excuse to sit on the couch and pig out on junk. I'd LIKE to, but come on, where would I be if one full week per month I did that? I'd still be at 365 lbs.
My Damsels in De-Stress Weight Loss Challenge group is doing wonderfully. Everyone is losing inches, and gaining lots of knowledge and insight into themselves, their weight, and their bodies. It's fantastic, and it feels so good to lead this awesome group of women. One more sign that this is what I want to be doing with my life. Motivating, inspiring and guiding people to their best, most fit, happiest selves.
No pressure. LOL
I'm doing some reasearch into starting a business. Mostly into the governement aspect of it - paperwork to be filed, etc. Looking into grants and developing my programs/plans. I may have a long way to go for a degree, but I have an awful lot of knowledge I can be passing on along the way. I plan on getting a nutrition certification, and then work on a fitness certification, as I continue working on the degrees. I think both aspects are important. Now, if I could only win the lotto so I could pay for it all... If any of you out there reading this are rich and just looking for some ways to use your money to benefit the community, feel free to grant it to me!! LOL!
Pushing through my mood, and my aches and pains. The weather this morning was gorgeous - like an early fall morning instead of the end of July. So I walked outside longer than usual. Almost 4000 steps already!
ETA: Ended the day with 13,366 steps - thanks to the addition of my spinning class this evening. Successfully removed myself from the kitchen this evening when I was on the verge of doing some damage... overall, I say not a bad day.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Weekend update
Let's begin by saying: The weekends are just not long enough. Ok, moving on.
Now, weekend recap:
Eating was great. I stayed on plan, and ate more veggies, which is a goal of mine.
Exercise: Amazing. Of course, now I am paying for it... but in a good way!
Saturday morning I got up and wet right to a kick-ass bootcamp workout at my favorite Bodyology. The workout was called "Drowning in Sweat". Also known to me as "Get your brain in the game" because SO much of it is mentally telling your body you need to keep moving. It was amazing. I love the looks on the faces of the girls coming in for the next class, because just by looking at our tired asses, they KNOW what they are in for.
Let's see... then, teaching, rehearsal, playing with kids, kids to bed... after a while in the evening, I was feeling antsy. The hubs went out for a walk/run, so I decided to do a "short" 25 minute workout. Felt good, circut style, lots of legs (squats, lunges, dead lifts...) sweated my butt off. Sweet.
So, Sunday morning dawns (way too early in my house - the kids are typically up by 5:30/6:00) and after much debate, we decide to go for a family walk/run. My heel was hurting from the day before, so I thought I would just end up walking with the kids (pushing the stroller, dragging the 4 year old) and let the hubs run... but after my heel stretched out a little, I really wanted to run. So I did. The hubs hung with the kids (which is tough) and let me go. Ended up totaling about 2.8 miles. Not bad at all. I got Thing 1 to keep up with us by "racing" him to the next stop sign, mailbox, whatever... it kept him moving, allowed me to keep running, and got him out of the hubs hair. As a reward for him "winning" all our races, we got him a big beach ball (which was broken by this morning).
The rest of Sunday went quickly, teaching, grocery shopping, cleaning, hosting my Fit-Bottomed Girls meeting... on and on.
This morning... holy CRAP. My legs hurt from hip to heel. They feel better once I am moving a bit. You know that phrase: "If I rest, I rust"? That's kinda how it goes. If I sit for too long, I feel like a little old lady with arthritis. Sheesh!
I still took all my walks today (I'm at 9054 steps currently. Perhaps a little slower than normal, but did them none the less). So, my focus has been devising an upper body/ab workout for this evening...As I was walking I had to chuckle to myself. The old me would never be looking for a way to workout, especially when I was so sore... (of course, the old me would never had worked out to that point, but I digress!)But, you know, that's just the way it is. If you want something, you have to work for it. End of story. If you are saying to yourself "I don't wannnaaa" or "I'm tooo tiiiirred" you are just making excuses and keeping yourself trapped by your IFG (Inner Fat Girl). My IFG tells me that crap all the time. So I shut her up with a little "Drowning in Sweat".
I am in charge.
Now, weekend recap:
Eating was great. I stayed on plan, and ate more veggies, which is a goal of mine.
Exercise: Amazing. Of course, now I am paying for it... but in a good way!
Saturday morning I got up and wet right to a kick-ass bootcamp workout at my favorite Bodyology. The workout was called "Drowning in Sweat". Also known to me as "Get your brain in the game" because SO much of it is mentally telling your body you need to keep moving. It was amazing. I love the looks on the faces of the girls coming in for the next class, because just by looking at our tired asses, they KNOW what they are in for.
Let's see... then, teaching, rehearsal, playing with kids, kids to bed... after a while in the evening, I was feeling antsy. The hubs went out for a walk/run, so I decided to do a "short" 25 minute workout. Felt good, circut style, lots of legs (squats, lunges, dead lifts...) sweated my butt off. Sweet.
So, Sunday morning dawns (way too early in my house - the kids are typically up by 5:30/6:00) and after much debate, we decide to go for a family walk/run. My heel was hurting from the day before, so I thought I would just end up walking with the kids (pushing the stroller, dragging the 4 year old) and let the hubs run... but after my heel stretched out a little, I really wanted to run. So I did. The hubs hung with the kids (which is tough) and let me go. Ended up totaling about 2.8 miles. Not bad at all. I got Thing 1 to keep up with us by "racing" him to the next stop sign, mailbox, whatever... it kept him moving, allowed me to keep running, and got him out of the hubs hair. As a reward for him "winning" all our races, we got him a big beach ball (which was broken by this morning).
The rest of Sunday went quickly, teaching, grocery shopping, cleaning, hosting my Fit-Bottomed Girls meeting... on and on.
This morning... holy CRAP. My legs hurt from hip to heel. They feel better once I am moving a bit. You know that phrase: "If I rest, I rust"? That's kinda how it goes. If I sit for too long, I feel like a little old lady with arthritis. Sheesh!
I still took all my walks today (I'm at 9054 steps currently. Perhaps a little slower than normal, but did them none the less). So, my focus has been devising an upper body/ab workout for this evening...As I was walking I had to chuckle to myself. The old me would never be looking for a way to workout, especially when I was so sore... (of course, the old me would never had worked out to that point, but I digress!)But, you know, that's just the way it is. If you want something, you have to work for it. End of story. If you are saying to yourself "I don't wannnaaa" or "I'm tooo tiiiirred" you are just making excuses and keeping yourself trapped by your IFG (Inner Fat Girl). My IFG tells me that crap all the time. So I shut her up with a little "Drowning in Sweat".
I am in charge.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
more changes (I know, can you STAND it??)
As you have all read - I have been thinking a lot about changes lately. AS I went for my lunch time walk, it occured to me how many non-physical changes have come along with my shrinking (fat) and building (muscle) body.
The first I was contemplating was my overall health. A month before my surgery (May, 2008) I went with my (then) little one and my mother out to Seattle to visit my amazing brother, his awesome wife and their gorgeous incredibly smart (second only to my children) son, Jack. Now, when little kids get together, of course, they are going to get sick. And they did. They both got colds, and slowly but surely, each adult came down with it too. When I got it, however, I REALLY got it... I mean, down-for-the-count, sleeping all day, hard time breathing, everything hurt kinda sick. All the other adults got sick, and they were done in a day... me, ugh... At that time, I knew I was the sickest person because I was 365 lbs and my body was work hard just to survive.
Recently, both of my kids came down with a wicked chest cold. My mother in law had an upper respiratory infection, the hubs was hacking up a lung.
I never got sick (of course, now that I am talking about it, I will! LOL)
Now, perhaps these two examples don't have any coorelations. Perhaps I was very unlucky that summer in 2008, and very lucky just recently. I don't know. But I truly feel as though my health and strength have a lot to do with being able to avoid illness.
Another thing I am so impressed with is my resting heart rate. To check your reasting heart rate, find your pulse after you've been relaxing for at least 5-10 minutes, or first thing in the morning. Watch a stop-watch or a clock and count the beat of your pulse for 30 seconds. Multiple that number by 2 and that is your resting heart rate. Then, check out a site like this to find where yours falls.
My resting heart rate is consistantly in the low 50's. By the chart, it's listed at "athletic"... lol, now, I don't think of myself as an athlete, but I am very proud of this! I have no comparison, because I have no idea what my resting heart rate was when I was morbidly obese... but I am SURE it wasn't anywhere NEAR athletic!
These are the things I need to remind myself when I step on the scale and it doesn't say what I want it to, or when I look in the mirror and only see my IFG (Inner Fat Girl)... things have changed in many, many ways....
The first I was contemplating was my overall health. A month before my surgery (May, 2008) I went with my (then) little one and my mother out to Seattle to visit my amazing brother, his awesome wife and their gorgeous incredibly smart (second only to my children) son, Jack. Now, when little kids get together, of course, they are going to get sick. And they did. They both got colds, and slowly but surely, each adult came down with it too. When I got it, however, I REALLY got it... I mean, down-for-the-count, sleeping all day, hard time breathing, everything hurt kinda sick. All the other adults got sick, and they were done in a day... me, ugh... At that time, I knew I was the sickest person because I was 365 lbs and my body was work hard just to survive.
Recently, both of my kids came down with a wicked chest cold. My mother in law had an upper respiratory infection, the hubs was hacking up a lung.
I never got sick (of course, now that I am talking about it, I will! LOL)
Now, perhaps these two examples don't have any coorelations. Perhaps I was very unlucky that summer in 2008, and very lucky just recently. I don't know. But I truly feel as though my health and strength have a lot to do with being able to avoid illness.
Another thing I am so impressed with is my resting heart rate. To check your reasting heart rate, find your pulse after you've been relaxing for at least 5-10 minutes, or first thing in the morning. Watch a stop-watch or a clock and count the beat of your pulse for 30 seconds. Multiple that number by 2 and that is your resting heart rate. Then, check out a site like this to find where yours falls.
My resting heart rate is consistantly in the low 50's. By the chart, it's listed at "athletic"... lol, now, I don't think of myself as an athlete, but I am very proud of this! I have no comparison, because I have no idea what my resting heart rate was when I was morbidly obese... but I am SURE it wasn't anywhere NEAR athletic!
These are the things I need to remind myself when I step on the scale and it doesn't say what I want it to, or when I look in the mirror and only see my IFG (Inner Fat Girl)... things have changed in many, many ways....
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Realizations, and putting dreams to bed
"Realizations can be hard, heartbreaking even. But if it's your truth, you must pursue it with strength and courage" - Me.
These realizations have been welling up in me for a while, but I have been afraid to acknowledge them. Afraid to put old dreams to bed.
I can talk about health, fitness, weightloss and all the metal and emotional baggage that goes along with it for HOURS. DAYS probably. I never tire of researching, learning, helping, teaching and talking about it.
At first, I thought this was merely because it was a "new" passion. We always get all gung-ho about something new, right?
So, then, I think about music. About singing. I started taking voice lessons at 10 years old. And I always "wanted" to be a singer. As I moved on through my musical education, of course I had a passion for it, or I never would have made it! However, I didn't eat, sleep and breath it. I forced myself to practice, and only when I had to. When I wasn't singing, I didn't spend hours talking about it. I only listened to opera a little, and tended to listen to other styles of music.
4 years in college (ok, 5, but who's counting) and then 2 in grad school. I loved to perform, but besides that, the lifestyle wasn't there. I didn't pour over scores, learn roles I wasn't currently performing, practice whenever I had a free moment... When I came to the realization that a performance career wasn't my fate I felt so lost - because it was all I had ever known. I started teaching, and I enjoyed (and still do enjoy) helping people. Notice I said helping people - and music was all I knew, so the two married together well. I never felt like a great voice teacher. I can't play piano to accompany my students and it ALWAYS bothers me. I felt a bit, well, like a fraud.
So, what am I getting at here? My realization is that I don't love teaching voice**. I don't love performing like I once did. You have no idea how difficult this is to put out there. But, it's in my heart. I am crying while I type. I spent so much time, energy, money on something that never happened, and that now, I'm finding little joy in.
(** yes, this is a disclaimer to any of my students who may be reading this. I love you all. I am not leaving you. I WANT to keep working with you and you are all still a priority to me!)
Why am I putting this out there for the world to see? Because I am changing. And it is hard and sad and sucky. I feel like I am letting a world of people down, and THAT is the hardest part. But change happens. I have been fighting it for a long time now, and I can't anymore. My shrinking body and my more focused and determined mind won't let lies prevail... they are pushing out all the old dreams, to make way for new ones.
Yes, I am grateful that I have new dreams. I mean, if I came to these realizations and didn't have a dream to cling to... I don't even know where I would be. But I do. I have my new goals and dreams. But they are scary. The doubts constantly popping up "how are you going to do this?" "You don't know the FIRST thing about running a real business!" "You are NOT smart enough for this!"...
Oh that inner critic is a real bitch.
This post doesn't really have an ending... I guess it's more of a beginning.
These realizations have been welling up in me for a while, but I have been afraid to acknowledge them. Afraid to put old dreams to bed.
I can talk about health, fitness, weightloss and all the metal and emotional baggage that goes along with it for HOURS. DAYS probably. I never tire of researching, learning, helping, teaching and talking about it.
At first, I thought this was merely because it was a "new" passion. We always get all gung-ho about something new, right?
So, then, I think about music. About singing. I started taking voice lessons at 10 years old. And I always "wanted" to be a singer. As I moved on through my musical education, of course I had a passion for it, or I never would have made it! However, I didn't eat, sleep and breath it. I forced myself to practice, and only when I had to. When I wasn't singing, I didn't spend hours talking about it. I only listened to opera a little, and tended to listen to other styles of music.
4 years in college (ok, 5, but who's counting) and then 2 in grad school. I loved to perform, but besides that, the lifestyle wasn't there. I didn't pour over scores, learn roles I wasn't currently performing, practice whenever I had a free moment... When I came to the realization that a performance career wasn't my fate I felt so lost - because it was all I had ever known. I started teaching, and I enjoyed (and still do enjoy) helping people. Notice I said helping people - and music was all I knew, so the two married together well. I never felt like a great voice teacher. I can't play piano to accompany my students and it ALWAYS bothers me. I felt a bit, well, like a fraud.
So, what am I getting at here? My realization is that I don't love teaching voice**. I don't love performing like I once did. You have no idea how difficult this is to put out there. But, it's in my heart. I am crying while I type. I spent so much time, energy, money on something that never happened, and that now, I'm finding little joy in.
(** yes, this is a disclaimer to any of my students who may be reading this. I love you all. I am not leaving you. I WANT to keep working with you and you are all still a priority to me!)
Why am I putting this out there for the world to see? Because I am changing. And it is hard and sad and sucky. I feel like I am letting a world of people down, and THAT is the hardest part. But change happens. I have been fighting it for a long time now, and I can't anymore. My shrinking body and my more focused and determined mind won't let lies prevail... they are pushing out all the old dreams, to make way for new ones.
Yes, I am grateful that I have new dreams. I mean, if I came to these realizations and didn't have a dream to cling to... I don't even know where I would be. But I do. I have my new goals and dreams. But they are scary. The doubts constantly popping up "how are you going to do this?" "You don't know the FIRST thing about running a real business!" "You are NOT smart enough for this!"...
Oh that inner critic is a real bitch.
This post doesn't really have an ending... I guess it's more of a beginning.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Fear - POOF!
I've been thinking a lot about fear and courage lately. I have taken a hard look at myself and discovered that whenever I get close to a goal, I tend to sabotage myself. Why? At first, I couldn't fathom why some sub-conscious part of me would want to sabotage all the work it takes to accomplish goals (fitness related, or not)... then, it kinda hit me: Fear.
Not fear of accomplishing goals, but of the unknown, and of failure. If I don't TRY to make the goal, I won't be failing! But if I try, and don't make it - I have failed.
Yesterday, I went to a spinning class. Now, I have a love hate relationship with Spinning. I have really begun to enjoy it, but yesterdays class was HORRIBLE. It began at 5:45, and by 6:03 I was already checking my clock, praying for it to have magically been an hour. I'm still unsure what made this class different from my last - maybe lack of sleep? Different trainer? I talked myself into leaving the class half way through. I kept thinking: just make it half way, and then you can leave.
The fact is, I was afraid I couldn't make it through the class. I really thought my legs would give out, or I would simply be unable to keep pedaling.
When fear sets in, we only have one weapon - our own minds. Our minds control our bodies. If our mind is strong and focused and determined, our bodies will follow. They WILL follow. It really is up to you whether you can or cannot do something. You make the decision.
Half way through class came, and I (out loud, mind you, thankfully, the music is loud) said "Fuck this. Just do it."
And I did. Till the bitter end. I hated it at the moment, but when I was done, there was a real sense of pride and accomplishment, but mentally and physically.
I had to push through my fear. Push through my MENTAL barriers. My body got through just fine (ok, a little sore!)
I would like to note that I got on the scale this morning (yes, I know, I shouldn't be weighing so often. Bad habit I am still working on) and I was 204.4 Yes, that's right - I am 5 lbs away from IT - ONEDERLAND. I will NOT allow fear to sabatage my efforts this time. I will not stray from my goal. I will not allow my fear of failure or the unknown keep me from this. It's TOO important.
Not fear of accomplishing goals, but of the unknown, and of failure. If I don't TRY to make the goal, I won't be failing! But if I try, and don't make it - I have failed.
Yesterday, I went to a spinning class. Now, I have a love hate relationship with Spinning. I have really begun to enjoy it, but yesterdays class was HORRIBLE. It began at 5:45, and by 6:03 I was already checking my clock, praying for it to have magically been an hour. I'm still unsure what made this class different from my last - maybe lack of sleep? Different trainer? I talked myself into leaving the class half way through. I kept thinking: just make it half way, and then you can leave.
The fact is, I was afraid I couldn't make it through the class. I really thought my legs would give out, or I would simply be unable to keep pedaling.
When fear sets in, we only have one weapon - our own minds. Our minds control our bodies. If our mind is strong and focused and determined, our bodies will follow. They WILL follow. It really is up to you whether you can or cannot do something. You make the decision.
Half way through class came, and I (out loud, mind you, thankfully, the music is loud) said "Fuck this. Just do it."
And I did. Till the bitter end. I hated it at the moment, but when I was done, there was a real sense of pride and accomplishment, but mentally and physically.
I had to push through my fear. Push through my MENTAL barriers. My body got through just fine (ok, a little sore!)
I would like to note that I got on the scale this morning (yes, I know, I shouldn't be weighing so often. Bad habit I am still working on) and I was 204.4 Yes, that's right - I am 5 lbs away from IT - ONEDERLAND. I will NOT allow fear to sabatage my efforts this time. I will not stray from my goal. I will not allow my fear of failure or the unknown keep me from this. It's TOO important.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday morning, again
Why does Monday keep coming back?? Oh. right. Never mind.
Anyway:
7/11: 208
7/18: 206
Hooray! Another 2 lbs down!
When I realized that I am a mere 7 lbs away from a HUGE (no pun intended) goal (being under 200 lbs) I actually got chills. I know, corny. But when you are closing in on a goal - a dream really - that you couldn't forsee happening when you were 365 lbs and feeling totally hopeless, it's a big freakin deal.
So, then I started thinking about a goal-gift. I mean, come on! When I finally get there I should be able to reward myself right! It's so funny that in the not so distant past a reward would have certainly been food related. Now, of course, if I did that, I would undo the thing I was being rewarded for! Duh! LOL
So, I have a few things in mind:
1. Reiki session - this is ringin' my bell right now!
2. Tickets to see a show (with the hubs, of course!)
3. Facial
I really don't know. I mean - this is big, and frankly, deserves a big reward, but a big reward usually equals big money, which I don't have. So, what do you think guys? Do you have any more ideas? Preferably amazing and cheap - lol, no pressure.
Had a great meeting with my Damsels in De-Stress yesterday. We had great discussion on self-confidence, self-talk, and self-worth. It was a LOT for one meeting, and frankly a little overwhelming. Have you ever stopped and thought about how often you speak to yourself negatively? I bet it's a lot more than you think. Try to become more aware of it. Would you speak to a best friend that way? To your mother?
So, today, I will attempt to notice any negative self talk and TRY to spin it more positively.
What are YOUR goals today? Besides coming up with an awesome reward for me.
Anyway:
7/11: 208
7/18: 206
Hooray! Another 2 lbs down!
When I realized that I am a mere 7 lbs away from a HUGE (no pun intended) goal (being under 200 lbs) I actually got chills. I know, corny. But when you are closing in on a goal - a dream really - that you couldn't forsee happening when you were 365 lbs and feeling totally hopeless, it's a big freakin deal.
So, then I started thinking about a goal-gift. I mean, come on! When I finally get there I should be able to reward myself right! It's so funny that in the not so distant past a reward would have certainly been food related. Now, of course, if I did that, I would undo the thing I was being rewarded for! Duh! LOL
So, I have a few things in mind:
1. Reiki session - this is ringin' my bell right now!
2. Tickets to see a show (with the hubs, of course!)
3. Facial
I really don't know. I mean - this is big, and frankly, deserves a big reward, but a big reward usually equals big money, which I don't have. So, what do you think guys? Do you have any more ideas? Preferably amazing and cheap - lol, no pressure.
Had a great meeting with my Damsels in De-Stress yesterday. We had great discussion on self-confidence, self-talk, and self-worth. It was a LOT for one meeting, and frankly a little overwhelming. Have you ever stopped and thought about how often you speak to yourself negatively? I bet it's a lot more than you think. Try to become more aware of it. Would you speak to a best friend that way? To your mother?
So, today, I will attempt to notice any negative self talk and TRY to spin it more positively.
What are YOUR goals today? Besides coming up with an awesome reward for me.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Hungry, Zumba, and missing my babies.
Ok, I must begin this post by saying: I am FREAKIN STARVING TODAY. DAMN.
Alrighty. Now that is done.
I went to Zumba last night. I almost bailed, mostly because my 4 year old (Thing 1) was begging me to stay home. I definitely feel torn sometimes. I don't see my kids all day, and sometimes I run in, drop my stuff off, get changed and run back out. By the time I get home again, they are in bed. I miss them, and I know they miss me. But I also know that, right now, becoming the fittest, healthiest person I can be ensures I will be here with them for a long time.
(It ended up that Thing 1 stayed awake till I got home. So, I went up and rocked with him a little. It was nice to see his excitement that I was home, even though he should have been sleeping)
Now, Zumba. This is only my 2nd time doing it. I know, I know... I get there a few minutes early, and the first thing I see are 2 little old ladies waiting for class to begin.
Oh Crap. has Zumba already turned into that class???
The instructor walks in, and starts talking to some of the ladies (there was a whopping 5 of us at this point) how tired she was... I was like OH. NO. You better NOT phone this shit in. I am NOT missing out on time with my kids for you to be LAZY. Much to my relief, as soon as the music started, she really pulled it out. Lucky for her.
I hate not knowing the steps, but I tried to move past it and just keep moving. There ended up being about 15 ladies there, and it went pretty quickly. I burned some amazing calories. Next time (yes, yes, there will be a next time) I think I will feel a little more like letting go and it will feel even more fun. I was just a tad self-conscious.
Feel a little nervous about being so hungry already today. Hoping I brought enough food. I already had a click shake, Kashi and almonds. I'm still hungry. Crap. It's ok. I'll figure it out. The only good thing about the cafeteria upstairs is it has fresh fruit all the time. I can always go up and grab something.
I would love to hear from you parents out there - how do you handle the stress of being away from the kids so much when you are training, or just trying desperately yo get your activity in? Does it get easier as they get older? (mine are 4 years and almost 1 year) Please share!
TGIF people! SMILE!
Alrighty. Now that is done.
I went to Zumba last night. I almost bailed, mostly because my 4 year old (Thing 1) was begging me to stay home. I definitely feel torn sometimes. I don't see my kids all day, and sometimes I run in, drop my stuff off, get changed and run back out. By the time I get home again, they are in bed. I miss them, and I know they miss me. But I also know that, right now, becoming the fittest, healthiest person I can be ensures I will be here with them for a long time.
(It ended up that Thing 1 stayed awake till I got home. So, I went up and rocked with him a little. It was nice to see his excitement that I was home, even though he should have been sleeping)
Now, Zumba. This is only my 2nd time doing it. I know, I know... I get there a few minutes early, and the first thing I see are 2 little old ladies waiting for class to begin.
Oh Crap. has Zumba already turned into that class???
The instructor walks in, and starts talking to some of the ladies (there was a whopping 5 of us at this point) how tired she was... I was like OH. NO. You better NOT phone this shit in. I am NOT missing out on time with my kids for you to be LAZY. Much to my relief, as soon as the music started, she really pulled it out. Lucky for her.
I hate not knowing the steps, but I tried to move past it and just keep moving. There ended up being about 15 ladies there, and it went pretty quickly. I burned some amazing calories. Next time (yes, yes, there will be a next time) I think I will feel a little more like letting go and it will feel even more fun. I was just a tad self-conscious.
Feel a little nervous about being so hungry already today. Hoping I brought enough food. I already had a click shake, Kashi and almonds. I'm still hungry. Crap. It's ok. I'll figure it out. The only good thing about the cafeteria upstairs is it has fresh fruit all the time. I can always go up and grab something.
I would love to hear from you parents out there - how do you handle the stress of being away from the kids so much when you are training, or just trying desperately yo get your activity in? Does it get easier as they get older? (mine are 4 years and almost 1 year) Please share!
TGIF people! SMILE!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Sweating it out at work
Ok blogger-land. I need your opinion. Anyone out there take some time of their day at work and go for a brisk walk, or do any activity that would make you sweat? 
I take my zig-zag walk 1-2 times per day. By half way through, I am sweating. Not profusly. Not to the point where I am stinking up the joint, but there is some drippage that happens. And, being that I am fair-skinned (OK, transparent) I also get red-faced. I'm starting to wonder if this is inappropriate. I work in a very low key office, and lots of the ladies here are striving to get in shape/lose weight. So, they understand, but sometimes I feel a little funny. Sometimes I get "looks" sometimes I get comments - "what did you do, run around??" Anyone have similar experience? Do you just ignore it and keep plugging away?
I take my zig-zag walk 1-2 times per day. By half way through, I am sweating. Not profusly. Not to the point where I am stinking up the joint, but there is some drippage that happens. And, being that I am fair-skinned (OK, transparent) I also get red-faced. I'm starting to wonder if this is inappropriate. I work in a very low key office, and lots of the ladies here are striving to get in shape/lose weight. So, they understand, but sometimes I feel a little funny. Sometimes I get "looks" sometimes I get comments - "what did you do, run around??" Anyone have similar experience? Do you just ignore it and keep plugging away?
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
My love-hate relationship with Spinning
Yes. Spinning. I love it, and I hate it. Both. At the same time. I go even though my Inner Fat Girl screams "NOOOO!!! DON'T DO IT!! IT SUUUUCCCCCKKKKKSSSSSSS". I shut that bitch up with a protein shake and go anyway. Inevitably, by half way through, I think that class MUST be almost over, and inevitably I want to cry when I see that it, in fact, is NOT.
HOWEVER.
I know that burn in my legs are my legs changing. They are getting stronger and tighter and leaner with every push of the peddle. With every drop of sweat and rapid heartbeat, I am getting fitter and healthier and stronger and smaller.
I have found that positive self talk is so important in this journey. When Inner Fat Girl is in there screaming that I "can't do this!", I have to block her out with a lot of positive self talk. Sometimes I even talk out loud to myself - "Come on, push. You can do it. You can do ANYTHING for 1 minute" And yes, sometimes people look at me funny. I don't care anymore. If I am going to take time out of my day, away from my kids and hubby, even when I am tired from work or rehearsal or whatever, the LAST thing I'm going to do is phone it in. What's the point? If I'm going to do that, I might as well be sitting on my butt on the couch. Make it WORTH it, right??
Anyway, fit girl is winning today. She will win all day. Inner Fat Girl (IFG) will NOT take over, as she did yesterday *hangs head in shame*.
Today is Fit Girl day, baby!
How are you triumphing today??
HOWEVER.
I know that burn in my legs are my legs changing. They are getting stronger and tighter and leaner with every push of the peddle. With every drop of sweat and rapid heartbeat, I am getting fitter and healthier and stronger and smaller.
I have found that positive self talk is so important in this journey. When Inner Fat Girl is in there screaming that I "can't do this!", I have to block her out with a lot of positive self talk. Sometimes I even talk out loud to myself - "Come on, push. You can do it. You can do ANYTHING for 1 minute" And yes, sometimes people look at me funny. I don't care anymore. If I am going to take time out of my day, away from my kids and hubby, even when I am tired from work or rehearsal or whatever, the LAST thing I'm going to do is phone it in. What's the point? If I'm going to do that, I might as well be sitting on my butt on the couch. Make it WORTH it, right??
Anyway, fit girl is winning today. She will win all day. Inner Fat Girl (IFG) will NOT take over, as she did yesterday *hangs head in shame*.
Today is Fit Girl day, baby!
How are you triumphing today??
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Update
Sorry I have been MIA for a few days - things have just been super busy.
I have so much to report on, it makes me tired to think of all the typing I have to do. First things first:
Weight 7/4 - 208
Weight 7/11 - 208
loss - 0
Yup. Another week without a loss. Whatever, I'm over it. What can I do about it now? Nothing. I can only look forward and keep trying my hardest.
Sunday was the first meeting of my lovely group of Ladies The "Damsels in De-Stress". In case you don't know, we are one of 10 groups all over the US taking part in the Fit Bottomed Girls July Weight Loss Challenge. We had an exciting first meeting and it's going to be an AWESOME 8 weeks.
I did the MOST killer workout I have ever participated in last night. This Tuff Girl workout was T-U-F-F. It took a lot of mental stamina to keep going, but I did. I moved till the end. I was proud of myself. I have NEVER pushed myself so hard, or sworn so much in a workout. Thank goodness no one was easily offended. I think they were all swearing too!
Sometimes I think the stress is so intense that something has to give. Sometimes it's one thing after another. In light of all of the stress endured (today especially) here is my grateful list:
1. I am grateful for my job and for an EXTREMELY understanding boss. She understands that I am a Mama, #1 in my life, and when my kids need me, I need to be there.
2. I am grateful for wonderful family in my life. My mother is so amazing. My husband - unbelievable. My kids - the light in my life. I am so lucky.
3. I am grateful I am able to continue on this fitness path. That I am able-bodied, able-minded and well, just able.
You are all ABLE. There is a blog I follow that I admire so much. Trisha is a woman who is battling SO much. Some may look at all her ailments and call her dis-abled. NOT able to follow a path to fitness and wellness. Yet, she is. She tries everyday. She is having a hard time right now, go over and give her some love.
That's all for now guys.
I have so much to report on, it makes me tired to think of all the typing I have to do. First things first:
Weight 7/4 - 208
Weight 7/11 - 208
loss - 0
Yup. Another week without a loss. Whatever, I'm over it. What can I do about it now? Nothing. I can only look forward and keep trying my hardest.
Sunday was the first meeting of my lovely group of Ladies The "Damsels in De-Stress". In case you don't know, we are one of 10 groups all over the US taking part in the Fit Bottomed Girls July Weight Loss Challenge. We had an exciting first meeting and it's going to be an AWESOME 8 weeks.
I did the MOST killer workout I have ever participated in last night. This Tuff Girl workout was T-U-F-F. It took a lot of mental stamina to keep going, but I did. I moved till the end. I was proud of myself. I have NEVER pushed myself so hard, or sworn so much in a workout. Thank goodness no one was easily offended. I think they were all swearing too!
Sometimes I think the stress is so intense that something has to give. Sometimes it's one thing after another. In light of all of the stress endured (today especially) here is my grateful list:
1. I am grateful for my job and for an EXTREMELY understanding boss. She understands that I am a Mama, #1 in my life, and when my kids need me, I need to be there.
2. I am grateful for wonderful family in my life. My mother is so amazing. My husband - unbelievable. My kids - the light in my life. I am so lucky.
3. I am grateful I am able to continue on this fitness path. That I am able-bodied, able-minded and well, just able.
You are all ABLE. There is a blog I follow that I admire so much. Trisha is a woman who is battling SO much. Some may look at all her ailments and call her dis-abled. NOT able to follow a path to fitness and wellness. Yet, she is. She tries everyday. She is having a hard time right now, go over and give her some love.
That's all for now guys.
Friday, July 8, 2011
TGIF YO!
TGIF People!
I know this was a short week, but this afternoon has been the LONGEST!
Anyway, I want to give a HUGE shout-out to my friend and co-worker Diane, who brought me in some work clothes today so I don't have to go out and spend money! She is on the same road as I, dropping weight like no-ones business, and she has graciously given me some things she is no longer wearing. I am SO lucky to have great people in my life!
There is some trouble on the theater front... we had yet another cast member drop from the show. Hubs looks at me and says "That's it. It's over. The show is cancelled"
This show has been more than a labor of love. It has been heartbreaking and extremely stressful. We are having a meeting tonight to make the final decision. At this point, with all of the stress that has gone along with this, I don't even know what side of the fence I am on about it.
Eaten a *little* off plan today... really crazy cravings, but I tried to substitute with a not-quite-as-caloric option... it worked, but it was still more than I planned on today. I may modify the rest of the evening to be sure I stay in my calories.
It's 4:11PM. I have already put over 10,000 steps on my trusty fitbit. I still have the walk back to my car, plus anything else I do tonight.
I am REALLY feeling my abs today from my workout 2 days ago. I never feel a good workout the next day - I ALWAYS feel it 2 days later. It's fine - the kind of hurt that lets you know you worked hard for something. It's always worth it.
My heel pain however, is back, and is not worth JACK. Looks like maybe another shot when I go back to the podiatrist... grrr.
10 minutes and I'm outta work for the weekend. I never feel like I really have a weekend, because I work both Saturdays and Sundays teaching. I would love a free weekend... *sigh*
Zumba in the AM. Getting that familiar nervous feeling. I've done Zumba before, but it has been a while, and I always get nervous I am not going to be able to keep up or figure out what the heck I'm doing. I will, of course, report back here... as always, the good, the bad, and the fugly.
I know this was a short week, but this afternoon has been the LONGEST!
Anyway, I want to give a HUGE shout-out to my friend and co-worker Diane, who brought me in some work clothes today so I don't have to go out and spend money! She is on the same road as I, dropping weight like no-ones business, and she has graciously given me some things she is no longer wearing. I am SO lucky to have great people in my life!
There is some trouble on the theater front... we had yet another cast member drop from the show. Hubs looks at me and says "That's it. It's over. The show is cancelled"
This show has been more than a labor of love. It has been heartbreaking and extremely stressful. We are having a meeting tonight to make the final decision. At this point, with all of the stress that has gone along with this, I don't even know what side of the fence I am on about it.
Eaten a *little* off plan today... really crazy cravings, but I tried to substitute with a not-quite-as-caloric option... it worked, but it was still more than I planned on today. I may modify the rest of the evening to be sure I stay in my calories.
It's 4:11PM. I have already put over 10,000 steps on my trusty fitbit. I still have the walk back to my car, plus anything else I do tonight.
I am REALLY feeling my abs today from my workout 2 days ago. I never feel a good workout the next day - I ALWAYS feel it 2 days later. It's fine - the kind of hurt that lets you know you worked hard for something. It's always worth it.
My heel pain however, is back, and is not worth JACK. Looks like maybe another shot when I go back to the podiatrist... grrr.
10 minutes and I'm outta work for the weekend. I never feel like I really have a weekend, because I work both Saturdays and Sundays teaching. I would love a free weekend... *sigh*
Zumba in the AM. Getting that familiar nervous feeling. I've done Zumba before, but it has been a while, and I always get nervous I am not going to be able to keep up or figure out what the heck I'm doing. I will, of course, report back here... as always, the good, the bad, and the fugly.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Challenges need to be EXCITING (Edited)
There are so many things I want to write about today.
First, my heel DOES feel better... I'm cautiously optimistic.
I went to a Tuff Girl workout last night. When I read what the workout was (gliders and bands) my instinct was NO. I had a very small intro to disks during my last workout and I referred to them as the Devil. Just when you think you are strong and can hold a good plank, stick some disks under your feet and see how far you REALLY have to go. I realized that if I was that resistant to them, then I really should just go face them head on. And I did.
I was really nervous going into the workout. Sometimes I feel that way - maybe it's because I don't know what to expect? Maybe I am worried I won't be able to cut it... or that I will be judged. I don't know. But, everytime I go to any class-style workout, I get nervous. I never let it deter me, I just move through it.
The workout began with a warm up - we did walk outs and by the second one I got a shooting pain in my right hand, in between my thumb and first finger and shooting up my wrist. WTF?? I mean, I JUST got my heal fixed! So, I had to modify some of the warm ups, and come of the workout, actually, since I couldn't put a lot of weight on it. I was able to use it some, but it's something else I'll have to look into now.
Anyway, it was a tough workout. Not a jumpy-I'm-exhausted workout, but them kind that takes so much focus and core strength that it's mentally exhausting as well. SO MANY times my body screamed for me to stop, let go, FALL OVER. My brain prevailed. If I fell, I got back up. I tried the harder moves even though I didn't think my body could take them. Even if I could just do it once or twice, it was a victory. A few times Christa came over to me and gave me words of encouragement that meant so much to me. Later on she approached me and told me I am a different person. And she is right, but not just physically. Mentally, emotionally... everything. Yes, I still have my demons to deal with (AKA inner fat girl) but I challenge them everyday. Everyday IS a challenge, and I can view that as exciting or exhausting. Sometimes it's the latter, but most days I strive for it to be the former. Today I strive for it to be exciting.
I am going to a Spinning class after work, with my new favorite spinning instructor, Donna at In Shape. I LOVE her teaching style. Can't wait!
Want to share: My joy this morning, watching my precious boys chase each other around the living room (both crawling). Thing 2 LOVES his big brother SOOO much. He just laughs and smiles whenever Thing 1 pays him the slightest attention. They both laughed so hard, they could barely crawl! It was amazing.
My goal weight wise is to be at 206 on Monday morning. That will be a 2 lb loss in a week. It's a stretch, but I'm shooting for it. How will I accomplish this?
* I will eat ONLY the food I have prepared for myself at work. I have a meeting this afternoon where there is consistantly snacks. I have brought myself a snack to bring to help me stay in control.
* I will get in as much exercise as possible. Upcoming that includes my spin class tonight, *something* tomorrow (have to fit it somewhere because I have rehearsal), Zumba on Saturday *something* on Sunday... lol... I have to figure out how to fill in the gaps. PLUS walking, walking, walking. Got in almost 13,000 steps yesterday!
* Drinking at least 80 oz of water (especially with it being so hot and muggy out now)
Attending a wonderful Grand Rounds seminar tomorrow about obesity and food addiction. I can't wait - it should be extremely interesting!
ALSO: As a side note: I REALLY need to go out and buy work clothes. HOLY CRAP. My pants are falling down and I have like, 3 nice work shirts that are suitable for summer. ACK! This weekend, I have to figure it out.
ETA: I didn't make my spin class :-( My meeting got out really late, and by the time I walked to my car and got on the highway, the class was beginning.... have to do some a home workout tonight. Disappointing!
First, my heel DOES feel better... I'm cautiously optimistic.
I went to a Tuff Girl workout last night. When I read what the workout was (gliders and bands) my instinct was NO. I had a very small intro to disks during my last workout and I referred to them as the Devil. Just when you think you are strong and can hold a good plank, stick some disks under your feet and see how far you REALLY have to go. I realized that if I was that resistant to them, then I really should just go face them head on. And I did.
I was really nervous going into the workout. Sometimes I feel that way - maybe it's because I don't know what to expect? Maybe I am worried I won't be able to cut it... or that I will be judged. I don't know. But, everytime I go to any class-style workout, I get nervous. I never let it deter me, I just move through it.
The workout began with a warm up - we did walk outs and by the second one I got a shooting pain in my right hand, in between my thumb and first finger and shooting up my wrist. WTF?? I mean, I JUST got my heal fixed! So, I had to modify some of the warm ups, and come of the workout, actually, since I couldn't put a lot of weight on it. I was able to use it some, but it's something else I'll have to look into now.
Anyway, it was a tough workout. Not a jumpy-I'm-exhausted workout, but them kind that takes so much focus and core strength that it's mentally exhausting as well. SO MANY times my body screamed for me to stop, let go, FALL OVER. My brain prevailed. If I fell, I got back up. I tried the harder moves even though I didn't think my body could take them. Even if I could just do it once or twice, it was a victory. A few times Christa came over to me and gave me words of encouragement that meant so much to me. Later on she approached me and told me I am a different person. And she is right, but not just physically. Mentally, emotionally... everything. Yes, I still have my demons to deal with (AKA inner fat girl) but I challenge them everyday. Everyday IS a challenge, and I can view that as exciting or exhausting. Sometimes it's the latter, but most days I strive for it to be the former. Today I strive for it to be exciting.
I am going to a Spinning class after work, with my new favorite spinning instructor, Donna at In Shape. I LOVE her teaching style. Can't wait!
Want to share: My joy this morning, watching my precious boys chase each other around the living room (both crawling). Thing 2 LOVES his big brother SOOO much. He just laughs and smiles whenever Thing 1 pays him the slightest attention. They both laughed so hard, they could barely crawl! It was amazing.
My goal weight wise is to be at 206 on Monday morning. That will be a 2 lb loss in a week. It's a stretch, but I'm shooting for it. How will I accomplish this?
* I will eat ONLY the food I have prepared for myself at work. I have a meeting this afternoon where there is consistantly snacks. I have brought myself a snack to bring to help me stay in control.
* I will get in as much exercise as possible. Upcoming that includes my spin class tonight, *something* tomorrow (have to fit it somewhere because I have rehearsal), Zumba on Saturday *something* on Sunday... lol... I have to figure out how to fill in the gaps. PLUS walking, walking, walking. Got in almost 13,000 steps yesterday!
* Drinking at least 80 oz of water (especially with it being so hot and muggy out now)
Attending a wonderful Grand Rounds seminar tomorrow about obesity and food addiction. I can't wait - it should be extremely interesting!
ALSO: As a side note: I REALLY need to go out and buy work clothes. HOLY CRAP. My pants are falling down and I have like, 3 nice work shirts that are suitable for summer. ACK! This weekend, I have to figure it out.
ETA: I didn't make my spin class :-( My meeting got out really late, and by the time I walked to my car and got on the highway, the class was beginning.... have to do some a home workout tonight. Disappointing!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
cortisone and coping...
Blech...
Ok. Update. Eating: mostly ok, but Sunday was SUCKY. Besides that, exercising my BUTT off. Yesterday morning I did an awesome HIIT running workout. Approx 45 minutes and I WORKED. Then I went for an additional walk last night, just because I wanted to "move"
I have noticed that when I don't exercise enough during the day, I find myself antsy and feeling anxious. I usually am moving a lot in the evening. Perhaps cleaning, getting ready for the next day, or going out for another walk or run. Everyday I think "you can take the day off - you don't HAVE to exercise EVERY day!" but I end up doing something anyway. I think this is good - but I did get a "comment" that perhaps I was a little on the obsessive side... what do you think?
Today is my exception. No "exercise" today (I use the quotes because I still got my 10,000 steps in)
The reason for my lack of exercise is I went back to the podiatrist and she gave me a cortisone shot in my heel. Some of you may remember I have been dealing with Plantar Fasciitis. I have done my stretching, wearing good insoles, massaging, etc. It feels better, but is not gone, so the Dr. suggested the shot. I must say, the actual heel pain is GONE... but it's pretty sore where I got the shot. I am sure that by tomorrow, I will feel like a new woman!
My Fit Bottomed Girlsweight loss Challenge begins in less than a week! SO excited! As a team, we will complete a 5K at the end of August together. It's going to be amazing! 6 women, coming together to learn, grow, and shrink! Hooray!
There has been a lot of inner demon battling lately... nothing I want to get into really.... let me just say that I had a moment where I felt as though I had no way to comfort myself or cope with things without food. I really, truly didn't know how. I think I am still trying to figure it out.
Anyway, that's my little update. I am really, really trying to only weigh in once a week.
7/4: 208
Next weigh in 7/11
Ok. Update. Eating: mostly ok, but Sunday was SUCKY. Besides that, exercising my BUTT off. Yesterday morning I did an awesome HIIT running workout. Approx 45 minutes and I WORKED. Then I went for an additional walk last night, just because I wanted to "move"
I have noticed that when I don't exercise enough during the day, I find myself antsy and feeling anxious. I usually am moving a lot in the evening. Perhaps cleaning, getting ready for the next day, or going out for another walk or run. Everyday I think "you can take the day off - you don't HAVE to exercise EVERY day!" but I end up doing something anyway. I think this is good - but I did get a "comment" that perhaps I was a little on the obsessive side... what do you think?
Today is my exception. No "exercise" today (I use the quotes because I still got my 10,000 steps in)
The reason for my lack of exercise is I went back to the podiatrist and she gave me a cortisone shot in my heel. Some of you may remember I have been dealing with Plantar Fasciitis. I have done my stretching, wearing good insoles, massaging, etc. It feels better, but is not gone, so the Dr. suggested the shot. I must say, the actual heel pain is GONE... but it's pretty sore where I got the shot. I am sure that by tomorrow, I will feel like a new woman!
My Fit Bottomed Girlsweight loss Challenge begins in less than a week! SO excited! As a team, we will complete a 5K at the end of August together. It's going to be amazing! 6 women, coming together to learn, grow, and shrink! Hooray!
There has been a lot of inner demon battling lately... nothing I want to get into really.... let me just say that I had a moment where I felt as though I had no way to comfort myself or cope with things without food. I really, truly didn't know how. I think I am still trying to figure it out.
Anyway, that's my little update. I am really, really trying to only weigh in once a week.
7/4: 208
Next weigh in 7/11
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Another tough night, and another victory
I started off today with the most awesome spinning class. Now, usually I pray for spinning class to be over. I mean, up till today, I do it because it's a good workout, and it's no pressure on my heel. Well, today, this instructor was amazing. She was motivating, used AWESOME music, and I was about to find the ENJOYMENT or the ride. I felt really, really good walking out of there.
The rest of the day was nothing to really report on - a little teaching, a little time to myself while Thing 1 went on a nice date with Mimi (my mom) to the movies, Thing 2 was napping, and the hubs had rehearsal. I indulged in a little guilty-pleasure TV, did some dishes... no biggie. Thing 1 and the hubs got home, and we took the kids to the pool. Pretty cool. Get home... and I start to feel anxious. I don't know why. No stressors that I can pinpoint - unless it was because I was thinking about what to have for dinner. Suddenly, I wanted pizza and ice cream. The craving came on with vengeance. I tried to ignore it. I brought Thing 2 up for bed... success. Came down. Thing 1 eating dinner... and the hubs asks the questions "What are you hungry for?" So, I spell it out p-i-z-z-a and i-c-e c-r-e-a-m. Hubs raises his eyebrows. "really"? (We have to spell these things or Thing 1 starts screaming for them too...)
Yes really...
This is the fight that sometimes occurs within myself. I get a craving for something unhealthy. I battle this craving in my head. My inner fat girl wants to justify why it's ok, and my outer, fitter girl says no - there has to be something better for you to eat. The craving is not just physical - it's emotional. It's mental. Those things MAKE it physical. So I am battling all three at once.
Not so long ago, it wouldn't have been a long battle before I gave in. Then, had to deal with the guilt, the shame, the nausea. Today is different. Today, my fit girl won.
I made a pot of homemade sauce (a little olive oil, onions, garlic, chopped tomatoes, tomato sauce, and tomato paste. I melted up some mozzarella cheese in a bowl (this has always been a thing of mine - I LOVE melted cheese) and poured some sauce on it. Ta-da! Instant crust-less pizza. No guilt, no over eating.
On top of finding a substitute for my pizza craving - to battle my anxious feeling I went out for a walk/run. It started as just a walk - no pressure - but I ran some, just because I wanted to. That felt really good.
Came in from my walk and whipped up a sugar free mocha shake (Click Protein, 1 sugar free pudding cup, ice, water - buzz together - instant mocha-y yummyness.)
I feel really, really good about this evening. It's quite a victory. I think about how I was not so long ago. Battling my fears, anxieties, depression with food. I'm not that girl anymore. That takes a little getting used to, but it feels so good.
The rest of the day was nothing to really report on - a little teaching, a little time to myself while Thing 1 went on a nice date with Mimi (my mom) to the movies, Thing 2 was napping, and the hubs had rehearsal. I indulged in a little guilty-pleasure TV, did some dishes... no biggie. Thing 1 and the hubs got home, and we took the kids to the pool. Pretty cool. Get home... and I start to feel anxious. I don't know why. No stressors that I can pinpoint - unless it was because I was thinking about what to have for dinner. Suddenly, I wanted pizza and ice cream. The craving came on with vengeance. I tried to ignore it. I brought Thing 2 up for bed... success. Came down. Thing 1 eating dinner... and the hubs asks the questions "What are you hungry for?" So, I spell it out p-i-z-z-a and i-c-e c-r-e-a-m. Hubs raises his eyebrows. "really"? (We have to spell these things or Thing 1 starts screaming for them too...)
Yes really...
This is the fight that sometimes occurs within myself. I get a craving for something unhealthy. I battle this craving in my head. My inner fat girl wants to justify why it's ok, and my outer, fitter girl says no - there has to be something better for you to eat. The craving is not just physical - it's emotional. It's mental. Those things MAKE it physical. So I am battling all three at once.
Not so long ago, it wouldn't have been a long battle before I gave in. Then, had to deal with the guilt, the shame, the nausea. Today is different. Today, my fit girl won.
I made a pot of homemade sauce (a little olive oil, onions, garlic, chopped tomatoes, tomato sauce, and tomato paste. I melted up some mozzarella cheese in a bowl (this has always been a thing of mine - I LOVE melted cheese) and poured some sauce on it. Ta-da! Instant crust-less pizza. No guilt, no over eating.
On top of finding a substitute for my pizza craving - to battle my anxious feeling I went out for a walk/run. It started as just a walk - no pressure - but I ran some, just because I wanted to. That felt really good.
Came in from my walk and whipped up a sugar free mocha shake (Click Protein, 1 sugar free pudding cup, ice, water - buzz together - instant mocha-y yummyness.)
I feel really, really good about this evening. It's quite a victory. I think about how I was not so long ago. Battling my fears, anxieties, depression with food. I'm not that girl anymore. That takes a little getting used to, but it feels so good.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Friday's positive affirmations post
Although it seems a little late for affirmations, I thought about them this morning and have been putting them into action. They are similar to yesterdays:
*I will eat the food I packed for myself, and nothing in additon
*I will get up from my desk at least 4 times and walk around
*I will drink at least 80 oz of water
*I will not feel guilty if I am unable to have a workout tonight because I will be in rehearsal.
So far, I am doing very well. I did NOT eat anything at the little breakfast that was laid out before this mornings meeting. I waited and ate my own breakfast when I got back to my desk. Besides that, it has just been my own food.
I have already gotten up and walked twice. Three times if you count my walk in (which is about 1/2 - 3/4 of a mile). I will try to walk again in the next 2 hours, but I will have my walk back to the car.
So far, I have drunk 54 oz of water.
The workout thing is harder. I have gotten to a point where if I don't exercise everyday I feel really guilty. I might try to squeeze in a little something before leaving for rehearsal... we will see how the boys behave.
It's Friday, it's a long weekend, and I get to leave 30 minutes early today because I had to be in early for a meeting. Things are looking up.
The ankle feels ok - a little sore, but no biggie. My heel is on and off. Sometimes fine, sometimes I limp like a 90 year old with arthritis. Sheesh.
I think I will attempt a spinning class in the morning... :-)
*I will eat the food I packed for myself, and nothing in additon
*I will get up from my desk at least 4 times and walk around
*I will drink at least 80 oz of water
*I will not feel guilty if I am unable to have a workout tonight because I will be in rehearsal.
So far, I am doing very well. I did NOT eat anything at the little breakfast that was laid out before this mornings meeting. I waited and ate my own breakfast when I got back to my desk. Besides that, it has just been my own food.
I have already gotten up and walked twice. Three times if you count my walk in (which is about 1/2 - 3/4 of a mile). I will try to walk again in the next 2 hours, but I will have my walk back to the car.
So far, I have drunk 54 oz of water.
The workout thing is harder. I have gotten to a point where if I don't exercise everyday I feel really guilty. I might try to squeeze in a little something before leaving for rehearsal... we will see how the boys behave.
It's Friday, it's a long weekend, and I get to leave 30 minutes early today because I had to be in early for a meeting. Things are looking up.
The ankle feels ok - a little sore, but no biggie. My heel is on and off. Sometimes fine, sometimes I limp like a 90 year old with arthritis. Sheesh.
I think I will attempt a spinning class in the morning... :-)
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