Friday, August 5, 2011

And downward we go....

I have so much going on right now I feel like something has to give. Full time job, part time job, school, kids, theater company, exercise, new business, running this challenge...on and on. I told the hubs that after this show, I was out of the theater company and he got really upset and angry. He said that my giving up the company was like I was giving up on him, and that if I left, he thought everyone else would just bail. I can understand where he is coming from, but it still really hurt. I feel like it's one more thing that is holding me back from becoming the person I feel I need to be.

So, of course, I have to get all irrational, and I think that now I can't give up the theater company, even though my heart is just not in it anymore. The drama (of other people) the stress (rehearsal spaces, accompanists, keeping cast members, rehearsal schedules, costumes, props... on and on) just outweigh the love for performing I used to have. It REALLY used to feel like it was worth the work and the stress... but it doesn't feel like that anymore. So, I start to think that means that I can never open a business, that I should just give up on this whole thing. Forget school, everything. Maybe going back to school and trying to move in this totally new and foreign direction is selfish.

Now I feel lost. I am exhausted (which doesn't help) but frankly, I am never going to NOT be exhausted because of all the stuff I have going on. I just don't know where things can give. Do I give up on the dream? Is this dream just a passing excitement? Is it going to become just like performing? Work, work work and not get anything out of it? Should I just be happy in the job I have, stay here and leave everything else alone???

Sorry... I know this is rambling and irrational. But, it's where I am at right now. Totally overwhelmed and confused.

If I could do ANYTHING right now. I would quit my full time job and my part time job, go to school full time, and get my fitness certifications at the same time. I would work out like a fiend, tweak my eating to perfection. I would work on opening the business ASAP. I would concentrate on that and the family, and that's it.
But, I can't do that. I can't leave my job, because it helps me pay for school, and for Josh to be in school. I can't quit the part time (15 students I see all on the weekends) because we still need the money. And I can't quit the theater company because I'll be letting my husband and best friend down.
I'm stuck

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