quicksand

I'm not even sure what to post today. I am still feeling stuck in a rut. Some have told me it's just a phase, and it will pass and things will be back to normal. Maybe that's true, but I have this underlying, intense fear that if I slip at all, I will suddenly be 365 lbs again. I can't ever slip. I can't ever be that way again.
I can't go back.
Is this really just a phase? Because I feel like I am trying to dig myself out of quicksand.
I am looking for a Reiki practitioner to make an appointment with. I am a practitioner myself, but frankly, I don't have the confidence in myself with it anymore. I haven't practiced in a while... but I think a clearing out, and maybe more yoga might be helpful in getting my head of straight.
Any of you big losers out there go through periods of this? What do you do?
Please don't tell me to suck it up. I know I have to do that. Yes, I guess I am looking for a little sympathy. Actually, more than that, I am looking for some hope. Everyone goes through this and comes out the other side not too much worse for wear, and moves on with all of their fitness goals. Yeah. So if you have one of those stories, please feel free to share it.
I have lost a lot of motivation since my workout schedule has had to change. Things like my Tuff Girl work-outs were always just that ass-kicking I needed to keep moving. Was I not my OWN driving force?
I guess not.
How am I ever going to help people do this when I can't do it myself? Oh sure, I can dole out the advise, but I can't practice it. Nice.
Big Hypocrite.