Friday, June 15, 2012

Injury Update, soul searching, and secrets

Happy Friday, blogger friends!

Well, GREAT news is, my wrist is NOT fractured! Can I get a W00T!

I did, however, "aggravate the tendons at the attachment point". English please - your tendons are mad as hell that you did so many freaking gliding mountain climbers and dead lifted 145 lbs.

Well, tendons, get the HELL OVER IT.

I have to wear a *very* stylish brace for the next few days and I should NOT use it for anything heavy (basically, lifting anything) for about a week. This is very hard for someone who has just gotten back into the groove of intense workouts. Grrr...

Topping that off, my right calf that I pulled on Sunday while running hills is really sore. MORE sore and tight than it was before... so, that leaves like, 1/2 my body practically un-usable. This also means no Tuff Girl tomorrow. I have to let this shit heal, or I'm just going to prolong it.

So, on tap for tomorrow - perhaps the gym and the elliptical, or recumbent bike. I know from past experience, I have done well on these things with a bum calf. Obviously no strength training, except that I can do some core - planks on forearms, crunches, and maybe some upper body kickboxing moves - punching the air won't hurt, right?? LOL

It's going to be a busy weekend. We are running auditions both days, plus getting in very important and very needed family time.

Food - not bad. As I said yesterday, it's incredible how often I go to "default" on my comfort foods. I feel a little defeated with my injuries. I am trying to see the bright side here - a little care, and I will be back in the groove, but it's mentally tough when a whole BUNCH of you falls apart at once.

While I was walking into work today (limping in... lol) I was thinking about how vulnerable I felt having this bum wrist and calf - I mean, when I am injury-free, I feel confident that if I were to be in trouble - I could defend myself... but, with this injury, I feel very "weak"... what would I do if something were to attack me? What if I was with my boys and someone approached us? It's very uncomfortable... and it makes me want to retreat. Retreat into myself, into my house, into my food. I have known for a while that I used my fat as a protection. After all, the heavier you are, the harder it is to hurt you. Or to take you away... This is not really true, but I *think* it felt that way for a long time. Not consciously, of course.

When I was little - maybe 10 or so, I was approached by a man while in the arcade at a bowling alley. My dad had brought my brother and I there on one of our weekend visits (my parents were divorced by this point). The man came up behind me, put him arm around me and his hand on the side of my hip, rubbing it. His face was so close to mine. The things he said were kind of a blur... I was confused. Did I know him? Was I supposed to recognize him? I was totally frozen in fear. Thanks to the Lord that my father was not far away and he started yelling at this man, who left in a hurry.
When my dad brought us home, he told my mom and asked me to recount everything. I brushed it off. I said nothing happened. I was mortified and pretended he wasn't touching me and rubbing me. I've never told anyone what he was saying. Even now, it's only in bits and pieces in my memory...
Almost no-one knows this story, and I put it out here. It's one of those things I am trying to work through to heal my addictive behaviors.

This was all tough to write - but I thought getting it out there might help...

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