Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Just call me an Ostrich

Because I am sticking my head in the sand.

I know we all go through cycles and waves and this is just a downward trend for me at the moment, but I am just.... so done.

I am stressed. I can't even go into it much more than that, because when I stop to think about all the stuff going on, I really start to freak out. So, I am trying to keep calm and keep things in perspective. Whenever I feel we get over a hurdle, another one gets put in it's place...

I know people out there have a lot worse problems and issues than I do. I shouldn't be complaining.

I over-ate last night at dinner and picked at decidedly non-clean crackers and cheese. I tried to drown my sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's Raspberry Frozen Greek Yogurt with chocolate pieces. Except it was about 1/3 of the pint, and it made me sick. I spent the rest of the night feeling violently nauseous and crying about how I never f*cking learn. Go me. Yea for making things worse. Winner.

Yesterday should have been a cardio day. Nothing. I did nothing but cry and recover from my ice-cream sickness.

I have made some big mistakes at work lately. Well, yesterday it was only one big mistake, today, I found another. Mistakes that effect other people. Today’s mistake I cannot fix without assistance from another department. I apologize. I ask what I can do to help fix the issue. I apologize more. I get nothing but grief and attitude. But I deserve that, right? After all, I am the f*ck-up who is giving them more work to do.

** As I was about to publish this, I was called and told this problem was now a very large violation. If I still have a job after this, it will be a small miracle.

My stomach is in knots. My whole body is in knots. I wish I could run away.

The price for before-care for my soon-to-be kindergartener has "been updated" and is now almost double what I thought it was going to be.

I think I may actually need another job, but I honestly don't know WHEN I would work it.

My last Bodyology workout was scheduled for this evening. I moved it out to Saturday morning so I could make it last a little longer.

My mom is in Seattle visiting my brother. I always get a little sad when she goes. I imagine them all there, having a nice time seeing each other and I feel left out. Jealous, I guess, that I can't be there as well. My mom SO DESERVES some rest and relaxation... and I would just love it if I was there to share it with her. And I miss my brother, sis-in-law and nephew so much. So, so much...

Today. Ah yes. Today. I've been really fighting to keep myself on the positive track. Overeating will not help things. Crying will not help things. I'm white-knuckling it, so to speak. Telling myself I can do it. I can be strong. I can take out my stress later at the gym. Yes, I brought my workout clothes with me, just like I would if I was going to Bodyology, and I will go straight to the gym. Cardio and upper body. I cannot be afraid. I just have to do it. By myself.

Everything is wavering. Everything is faltering...

I brought my food. Lots of liquids today (mostly water). Feeling the need to "flush" myself.

1 scoop Click, 1/2 cup almond milk, water, ice
B: oxygen oatmeal, 1/2 cup blueberries
L: quinoa stuffed zucchini, 2 oz cabot
S: 1 scoop protein powder, 1/2 cup almond milk, water, ice
S: banana (right before gym)
D: Salad

I am fighting the idea that I need to go super low on calories today to "make up" for last night (red: to punish myself for last night). I can't do that. I can't punish myself for it, I have to just move on, or I will get caught in the cycle. Not *enough* calories today = extremely hungry = more overeating... so on, and so on.

Now that I look at my listed food, it's looking really carby. Crap

I'm sorry for this huge vent... I can't even go on and put down everything that's happening... I don't think I would have any readers left if I did.


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  2. Oh no, sweetie. :( If you wanna talk, feel free to email me, I'll listen to whatever vent you want to do!

  3. Sent you some Tuff Girl love, now get tough please. Things will pass...

  4. Sending good vibes your way hoping everything works itself out ASAP!!!!!

  5. You can't always be strong, but having a bad day does make you stronger. As far as the job is concerned, you are entitled to civility and respect. Right now you have no control about what happens, but I don't believe it would be getting fired. Just approach it with as much dignity as you can and let the chips fall where they may. You may not be in control of your situation, but the one who is is not going to let you down!