Thursday, August 30, 2012

The melt-down

Not mine, but Thing 1's!

Yesterday, after school I was DYING to talk to him and see how his first day was. He wasn't very forthcoming on the phone as I made my way to my workout. So, I planned on sitting down with him as soon as I got home to hear all about it.

I walked into the house to a screaming, crying 5 year old rolling around on the floor.

Epic. Melt-down.

Thank goodness it looks as though it was just exhaustion and stress he was releasing, and not that he was actually ill. Poor thing. It was a very long day for him of constant learning and go-go-going. No rest time, except a small 20 minute head-down-on-your-desk moment. He's used to a good rest in the middle of the day. It's going to take some getting used to for him.

After meltdown and subsequent nap, he felt better and told me he "LOVES SCHOOL"

Thank you, God.

This mornings drop-off was uneventful. So awesome.

So, back to yesterday. I went to my Bodyology workout and it was tear-inducing. I find that, because I still have extra fat hanging out, that cardio is tougher for me than strength work. It was a new 5 round tabata. KILLER. After round 1, I felt *ok*... I thought, I can totally handle this one, no problem... After round 2, I actually almost cried trying to force air into my lungs. Holy Shit. It was AWESOME. Well, I thought it was awesome AFTER I KILLED IT.

Food - great. I have made a deal with myself that I am going to eat all of my calories (not my workout calories, my normal allotted calories). I have been finding myself trying to cut them down daily "Can I end the day 200 under goal?" etc... but it's driving me bonkers and leaves me very hungry. Um, duh, freaking eat! So, I am, dammit. I planned my day and I will be about 30 calories under, with all my macros in a good place. I think I'll just leave that one alone. :-)

So, a normal Thursday up in here. Looking forward to a long weekend, even though I just had one. Trying to plan my paid-time-off so I have enough for my skin removal surgery in Dec/Jan... I'll be right on the edge, but I know we will have kid-sick-days-off... not sure how to work with it all. If I can't schedule it for Dec, it will have to be next summer... really not digging the idea of waiting another year.

Keep moving forward!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Pictures from kindergarten days and new kitchens!

I'm not usually a picture poster, but here goes...this could work, but it might not. One pic of me in my first size medium dress, 2 of the kitchen when we were finally getting it back together, and a few of my big boy kindergartener and me

Wednesday already?

Wow, it has been a whirwind of activity for the past few days.

I posted on Saturday briefly to update and say I was binge free, eating clean and workout out, and that I was going to stay that way.

I am very happy to report that is STILL the case, even through:  kitchen redo, (which left me no place to cook anything, and no place to really prepare food effectively till last night. More on that in a minute), weird itchy rash all over my arm, my face breaking out like the devil, mysterious period that should be here and still is not, Thing 2 with a fever spiking virus, and Thing 1 with his big-boy-I-can't-freaking-believe-you-are-this-grown-up first day of kindergarten today. Yes. All of these things have happened in the last 4 days, and I am STILL getting in my workouts and eating on plan, 100% of the time.

Yes. I rock a little. Or a lot, which ever...

So, how did I do this without a kitchen? Lots of fresh foods that didn't need cooking (raw veggies, beans and fruits = delish salads), preparing ahead of time with food made (thank goodness for microwaves), and above all, not compromising my goals. Yes, it would have been very easy to say "Screw it", especially coming off a few days last week that were awful. I could have extended that crappy food-palooza all through the weekend. It could still be going on now! But I had to put my foot down. I did, and I couldn't budge on that. And I am so glad. It's worth it. I know it's worth it.

This week I have the privilege of attending not one, not two, but THREE Bodyology/Tuff Girl workouts. I cannot tell you how stoked I am about this. I wish I could do this all the time. It's not just the financial aspect, but a scheduling aspect. But this week, since I took Monday off as a family day, I started the day right with a good sweat. Saturday was a lot of upper body, Monday was tabata with a lot of legs, and TODAY is a new workout. SO. EXCITED. I will report back, but it's called The Annihilator. That pretty much speaks for itself.


I was off Tuesday because of the miriad of reasons listed above and it was tough to come back to th office after being off and having time to workout, get house stuff done, be with the kids, spend time with hubby. Even though the reasons were a little stressful, I would take that time anyday!

I can't wait to see how Thing 1 did at school today. Leaving him this morning was much more stressful for me than him, as predicted. He did SO WELL. I was incredibly impressed with him. I was great till I got in the car and then I cried. But only a little. He is such an awesome kid, and he is going to do great. Of course, I took pictures which blogger will not let me post at this time. Later, I promise.

Eats for today:
Click - 1 scoop, 1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk, water, ice
L: banana blueberry oatmeal - an awesome little creation I made in the microwave. Quite good if I do say so myself
S: Click - 1 scoop, 1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk, water, ice (yes, I needed a 2nd dose today)
L: 4 ounces ground chicken breast with spices, 2 oz cabot 75% red fat cheese, 1 high fiber tortilla
S: peach, 1/2 cup cottage cheese
D: Salad - tons of veggies, maybe 1/2 cup chick peas thrown it. So good.

So, I'm here. I'm rocking it, and I continue to be inspired by many of you out there. Keep moving forward!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Quick Saturday update

Just a little update on this Saturday evening...

Yesterday, I successfully ate totally clean. Not one deviation. I went over my calories by about 200, but I was so happy about the content, I had to just let it go.

I started off today with an incredible Bodyology workout. There was a lot of strength, and some quick intense cardio. Nothing like a good sweat to help you feel renewed.

Been super busy with the kids today, and Thing 2 has now developed a fever and over all yucky feeling. Possible ear infection? Doctor tomorrow to find out. Poor thing is already up in bed, and it's not even 7:00.

I'm at just over 1200 calories for the day thus far, with only an optional small snack to go. Feeling very good about my choices today. Taking it one step at a time.

Unfortunately got on the scale this morning and I'm up 4 lbs. Like I said, it comes on like nothing, and it will likely take me the week to get it back off.

Tomorrow I'm planning on heading out for the gym very early. Cardio and legs. We have a lot of work to do in the kitchen, as the countertops are coming in on Tuesday, and we are removing everything ourselves to save a little money.

So, that's it for now. I'm here, I'm binge free, and I'm working my ass off to stay that way.

Love to you all...

Friday, August 24, 2012

Creating a Safety Net

I think all of us, at one point or another, have gone off the deep end.
I was describing this to my hubby last night. Falling into a binge is like falling off a cliff. It takes NO time. It takes NO effort. All you need to do is let go, for just a second, and you are falling. When you finally smash at the bottom, you then have to claw your way back up to where you were. This, of course, takes much longer than the decent. It will likely take longer than when you did it the first time, as well.
 It's a horrible place to be. Not just physically, but most of the time, bingers feel overwhelming shame, guilt and even hatred for themselves.
 I know all about this.
 So, I was thinking. I plan for everything. I mean, I am a true planner. Having a plan in place feels... safe. The one thing, I realized, that I DON'T have a plan for, is a binge. Or rather, a plan to STOP a binge when I am right on the edge. When I realize I have white-knuckled it for a little too long, and letting go is looking like a real possibility. Not only looking like a possibility, but looking GOOD.
 It is at THIS point, that I NEED a plan.
 A safety net, if you will.
 I'm still sorta in the middle of hashing this out. Maybe you guys can give some feedback. I need to come up with some kind of intervention to implement when I am really right on the verge. "Cookie-in-hand" kind of verge. Now remember, this is a total mental game here, so I have to play the game to my advantage. The urge to binge or eat something that can LEAD to a binge usually comes fast and furious, but it also will subside in time. Here are some of my ideas:

-Tell myself that I can have "the cookie(s)" (Obviously, whatever food is on the radar) after I have do at least 20 (30? 40?) minutes of exercise. If, after that 20 minutes I still want to eat the junk, I eat it. (Usually after a good workout, the last thing I want to do is eat junk that will undo all my hard work… this is, of course, the mental game.)
-Jump on Facebook and look at all of the posts from Tuff Girl Fitness. Christa is always posting inspirational and motivational quote, pics and comments. Members post their triumphs. It's awesome. Reading them always makes me feel uplifted and stronger.
-Make a list that I can have access to in a pinch (keep it in the purse, or something) that can list some of the following: WHY I am doing this, BEFORE pic of myself, list of goals I have set and their DEADLINES...
 This is what I have come up with so far. I want to really make a solid plan that I will feel comfortable falling on if needed, not something flimsy that would be easy to dismiss in the thick of my screwy mental status.
 It's really disappointing to be coming off of a significant (for me) binge. I've undone work I had done the week prior. I'm still recovering physically, and mentally I am bashing myself big-time. Trying to just move on. It's incredible how easy it is for weight to come back on, and how f*cking hard it is to take off. Seems so unfair. But, we can't dwell on "unfair". It doesn't get us to our goals.
So, what do you think? Other ideas on creating the safety net? I've heard the standard "Drink a big glass of water", "Call a friend"... these are flimsy. Water is not going to help, and I dont have any friends who could possibly understand what it's like to be going through something like that... Lay it on me!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

"Why can't you have just one?"

Do you guys get asked this question constantly?

I do. And I ususally make up an answer "Nah, I just really don't want one"

Which of course, illicits more stares, and dumbfounded looks.

Because WHO in their right mind wouldn't want to gorge on a huge tray of italian bakery cookies?

They can stare in dis-belief. It's fine.

The truth is, I DO want one. The PROBLEM is, I can't STOP at one.

No, one cookie would NOT kill my calories for the day. It wouldn't even kill my nutrition stats.

But I can't eat ONE cookie without feeling like a total maniac who needs to eat the whole tray.

Many of you out there may understand this, and many may not.

Anyone who doesn't think sugar and fat have addictive qualities - You  have been living under a ROCK.

Just look up some research. Some studies have even been so bold as to say Sugar and Cocaine have the same addictive qualities.

I am a believer. Because I am an addict.

So, I let the huge tray of Italian bakery cookies sit on the counter next to me. And I will watch everyone else in the office pick them off one by one. And I will feel my duel-selves fighting. #1 feels good about the decision to not have any. #2 still tries to convince #1 that "we can handle JUST ONE".

#1 knows better. Dammit.

Last night, went to the gym and sweated my face off:

25 minute interval run. 1 minute easy run/fast walk, 2 minute harder run
then did the following:

12x3 #40 chest press
12x3 #30 Bi's
12x3 #170 back ext
10x3 #70 shoulder press
10x3 #90 lat pulldown

12x3 hanging knee ups
100 traditional ab crunches
30 reverse crunches

I feel good about these numbers right now. This is the first time I have taken time to write anything down. So, it will be interesting to see where they go from here.

My stats for the day, if I eat everything I packed.
Cals 1087
Fat 29 g
Cholesterol 43 mg
Sodium 2202 mg
Carbs 136 g
Fiber 27 g
Protein 75 g
Sugars 42 g

Dinner will be a big salad. Lots of veggies, a little dressing and some spicy ground chicken. If I'm hungry after that, I'll go to bed.

Overtime tonight. Not happy I won't see Thing 2 before bed, but grateful for the opportunity to earn a little extra this paycheck. 

Keep moving forward peeps!  

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Little games

I have little games that I play during the day. When I am feeling good physically I play them in my mind all the time.

One is "Beat the shuttle" - In the morning, I park in a lot that is about 3/4 mile from my office. There is a shuttle that brings people back and forth, departing every 10 minutes. Some days, I get to my lot just as one is leaving. The next would be scheduled to leave in 10 minutes. So, instead of going and sitting my lazy ass on the shuttle for 10 minutes for a 4 minute ride, I walk and try to beat the shuttle there. I usually win. :-)

Another game I play is "Beat the elevator". I always take the stairs in my building. So, when I am going up to the 2nd floor from the basement, I always glance over at the elevators to see if anyone is getting on. The 2nd floor is the busiest floor (you can get anywhere in the hospital from there) so usually, if someone is getting in the elevator, that's where they are going. If I see them getting on, I sprint up the stairs, trying to beat the elevator to the second floor. I usually win that one too... :-)

Anyway, I like doing these little things during the day. When you work at a desk for 8 hours, you need to be creative in keeping active. Walking at lunch is a given, walking in from the parking lot, taking the stairs, even walking to the bathrooms across the building. Every little bit helps.

Yesterday and Monday, I played NO games. I was so out-of-sorts.

I think what I was really needing was rest. I got into bed, heating pad on my neck, at 9:45 last night. Granted, I wasn't asleep till 10:30, but that is earlier than normal. I slept all night, till the alarm went off at 5:45. And I even snoozed a few minutes after that.

I did not exercise last night.

I didn't do dishes, I didn't straighten up. I ignored the laundry. I hung out with Thing 1 after Thing 2 was in bed. I ate dinner, put Thing 1 to bed, made everyones lunches, and sat down the rest of the evening till I went up to bed.

And I think it was just what the doctor ordered. I feel in control today. I feel much more energized. I brought my gym clothes, and I will get a fabulous workout later. I have all my food, and I feel in control and calm about staying on my food plan. Saying "no thanks" to the morning goodies all around feels easy today.

I am so grateful to be back in "this place"

Today I played "Beat the Shuttle" - and won.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Working out the crazies

Talkin' myself down, guys.

Thanks for the comments. As usual, you all help release my death grip on the insanity that is my anxiety.

Say that sentence 4 times fast. Hehe

Last night was very crappy food wise. My white knuckles couldn't hold on anymore. My decision. My fault. MY BAD. No one to blame but myself.

Getting it together today. I need to log every single bite and I need to keep breathing. Working overtime tonight, so brought a little extra food with me. Keeping control over not eating it all at once has proved a little challenging. I have set times for myself in an attempt to plan it and then let it go.

Click this morning (1 scoop, .5 cup almond milk, water, ice
B, 9:00: oatmeal, 1/4 cup blueberries
S, 11:00 1/4 cup blueberries, 1/2 cup lowfat cottage cheese
L: 12:30 1/2 sweet potato, 1/2 cup homemade sauce, 2 oz cabot 75% red fat cheese
S: 2:30 medium banana, 1 oz almonds
S: 4:00 Click (as above)
Total calories at this point = 1055
D: 7:00 Salad

I will keep talking to myself: "Are you really hungry? No... ok, you can wait until your time for snack/lunch", etc... Inner fat girl came parading her ass out last night and now she needs to be put back in her cage.

I have no desire what-so-ever to workout. I don't even want to walk up the stairs in my building. I am SURE it's because I feel heavy and lethargic from yesterday, and I am SURE I will feel better tomorrow. After overtime tonight, I WILL work out anyway. I WILL. Because I KNOW it will make me feel better TONIGHT.

Thing 1 came into our room this morning about 4:00 - bad dream, poor little guy. Usually I would sit with him a few minutes, rub his back, tell him it's ok, and I would carry him back to his bed for the rest of the night. Hubby, however, decided to bring him into bed with us, cover him up with a blanket and turn over to go back to sleep. In my half-awake-ness, I thought this wouldn't be too bad - just this once...

Except this meant I was hanging off the bed, desperately trying to get the last hour of sleep in while little legs and arms were perpetually karate chopping my head. This is not conducive to sleep. I kept trying to get comfy, but it never worked. So, I've been awake since 4. Thing 1, however, slept soundly till almost 6:30.

As did hubby.


Monday, August 20, 2012

Feelin' Crazy

Ok guys... starting to get a little worse in the anxiety department... actually considering calling my psychiatrist... thinking of calling him makes me more anxious.

This is Thing 1's last week in daycare... next week, he will be a kindergartener.

Holy shit, guys. Holy shit...

I start back to school in 2 weeks.

So yeah. I'm feeling a little crazy up in here... gotta get out of work and go get emissions done on the car and run to a meeting. Won't be home till late. Wish I could be home, curled up in my bed till... I dunno, Halloween?

It's gonna be fine. People go through these little things everyday. WHY am I feeling so scared about Thing 1 going to school? I mean, scared, like the feeling you get in your stomach on a rollercoaster?

More later...

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Weekend recap, weigh in and perspective

Happy post weekend to you all...

Well, that sounded weird.

Sunday night. Kids in bed, food for tomorrow all packed. Clothes chosen and out for the boys.

Weigh in yesterday morning: 190 still. But, it's ok. Seeing as there as an ice cream issue mid week, and the fact that it seems my body likes to stay put for a week or 2 and then let go of a larger amount, it's actually status quo.

I have to say I am frustrated by my hunger. I'm over 1400 calories today and I am physically ravenous. Not a little hungry, painfully hungry. I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that, even though it's going to slow my loss, I just can't cut back to 1200 calories. Yes, this seems to be a lesson I need to learn again and again.
Today was busy. We went to this super fun place called Bounce-U. It's a fun place you can go with the kids and they run around insane voicing on the huge inflatable contraptions. Thing 1 was really in his element. He had a blast. Thing 2 was pretty happy most of the time, which, for a 2 year old, is impressive. These places are something I would have avoided at all cost when I was super obese. But I actually crawled into a few of them to play with the kids. The big step, however, came when Thing 2 decided to bolt his little self up a steep set of bouncy steps to go down a very steep bouncy slide. Not really for 2 year olds, by themselves. I really had no choice but to follow him. So, up I went. And, as an adult, I had to work hard to get up those bouncy steps! At the top, I was actually scared. The slide felt very steep. But, Thing 2 was sqwirming, and I knew he was going with or without me, and without me spelled disaster in the form of him falling forward and hurting himself. So, I grabbed him tight, closed my eyes and went. He loved it, of course! At the bottom, I stood back and checked out what I did. I never could have done that at 365. Hell, I couldn't have done it at 265! Once Thing 1 saw me go down the slide, that was it. He and I were up and down the rest of our time there. And dammit, it was fun.

Now THAT was some nice perspective that had nothing to do with numbers.

Gym today was 25 minute interval run and arms, chest and a little abs. We went right after the bouncy place, so frankly, I was already tired! Lol. I'd love to say I did an interval run because I was feeling bad ass, but I did it because I just couldn't
sustain my normal running pace for steady-state. Hubby got to come with me, which was

Hope everyone's weekend was lovely... Back to the grind tomorrow.

Friday, August 17, 2012


Thank God it's Friday. Holy shinola, it's been a long, tough week.

I am enjoying my quiet time tonight. Kitchen cleaned, 2 loads of laundry done, and 3 others I had neglected have all been folded. House tidied. Now, sitting here taking a moment to just enjoy sitting.

I think we are getting some storms coming through. Love that.

I'm still white knuckling it, folks. Hanging on to my eating plan with everything I have. I keep telling myself this is just a little a little phase. I can hold on, and it will get easier again. It happens to everyone. So, I'm hanging in.

A little over calories today. But the triumph is not falling into the black and white thinking. It's not all or nothing. 100 calories over doesn't mean everything is out the window.

Did not exercise today. I'm ok with this. My whole body feels tired and slow. I think it was all the stress this weekend. Its all good.

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I will be sweating my ass off at Tuff Girl. It always makes me feel so accomplished, empowered and just awesome. It's a great way to start the day, for sure.

This is the first weekend for a while we have not had anything really big planned. Beauty, eh?? The hubs has rehearsal tomorrow, so I will have a little tribe time. Plan on bringing the kids to a place called Bounce-U, where they can run around, bounce and jump on the huge bouncy houses. Slides and lots of padding equals fun times and smaller chance on injury. Mama like.

I am planning on gym on Sunday for a run and upper body... Tomorrow at Tuff Girl is tabata, so upper body may change depending on what tomorrow has in store.

Yesterdays workout included tons and tons and tons of squats, lunges and core work. I did some balance work too, and found a great video for the balance stuff, and I plan on using it a lot more. I really need help with core and balance. Keeping it on the list...

Alright... Feeling sleepy and going to go up to bed before I put more food in my mouth. Good night friends...

Thursday, August 16, 2012

I'm still standin', yeah, yeah, yeah...

Oh Elton, I love ya.

I wanted to mention I am feeling my upper body workout from yesterday. I have mentioned the "gym fear" before. The issue is not really knowing my way around all of the equipment. I find the free weights, which I am more accustomed to, are usually overrun with muscley men, and while they are lovely to look at, I don't want to squeeze in around them to work with the weights. I know, something else to get over. Another time.

So, while I was doing my first 20 minute run, I checked out the area. Right near the cardio equipment was a small "Express Fitness Circuit". One of those circles of strength machines that you move around in 30 second intervals. Well, I'm not so into the interval thing with the machines - I would rather count reps/sets - and seeing as there was no one using the "express circuit" I decide to use this cluster of machines to my advantage.

I went through them, using all the upper body, back and ab machines (only 1 ab machine). I played with different weights, and ended up going higher than I thought I would. I was proud of 100 lbs for the lat pulldown, 3 sets of 10. It's good indicator of pullup strength - I can do pull ups at Bodyology with 3 bands... and next time I go, I am going to try it with 2.

One day, I WILL do pull ups without assists.

I want to try the pull up assist machine at the gym... on the "to do" list.

I think this strategy helped me begin to get out of the "gym fear"... will continue to go back and poke around more machines.

So, chest, lats, triceps, biceps, upper back all feel nice and sore. Tonight will be "squat till you drop" so my legs feel the same way tomorrow. More ab/core/balance work as well.

Here are my stats so far today. I don't like only having 345 calories left for the whole night, but I think a big salad, some protein, no more starchy carbs and a good workout, and it will be all good.

Cals 861
Fat 16 g
Cholesterol 28 mg
Sodium 1728 mg
Carbs 125 g
Fiber 23 g
Protein 55 g
Sugars 28 g

45 more minutes of work, and then going to pick up my boys. Can't wait. I know I did a lot of complaining yesterday, and I apoligize. I am so blessed with my friends and family, especially my crazy boys. I will keep telling myself that always...

"It's going to be OK"

We all have our ups and downs on this journey. They are inevitable.

I guess it's how we deal with those ups and downs that really define us and move us in a direction: either forward or backward.

But if we are lucky, blessed (and I am), we don't have to do it alone.

We have friends.

I have friends.

Are things totally fine from yesterday? No. Not quite. BUT, things can look so different when the hand of a friend is extended. When loved ones rally. When people take a moment to say "It's going to be ok. No matter what happens, it's going to be ok."

Because it IS going to be OK. It can be no other way. I cannot allow it to be any other way.

Thank you to my dear friends. You know who you are. It's hard for me to express enough gratitude...

Let me update you a little on yesterday:

The job front. Yes, this was a major issue. I went into my supervisor to explain the situation before she heard it from anywhere else. My supervisor is so amazing. She calmed me down and put it in perspective. Yes. it was a mistake, but we could fix it. It was NOT as bad as it could have potentially been.

I am NOT going to lose my job.

In the face of all this stress yesterday, I wanted to default to sugar. I went upstairs to the cafe, I grabbed a bag of Swedish fish and another of malted milk balls. I stood in line to add a large cookie to the mix.

"This is NOT going to make me feel any better" "This is not going to change anything"

I stepped out of line, put the candy back and came back down to my office. I fixed up my protein shake.

Not knowing what to do with all my anxiety. Just sitting with it, breathing. I check my e-mail.

A friend, whose opinion I respect intensely, had written. For a moment, I cringed. He's known for his tough love, and I figured I was deserving of some. I needed a swift kick after the ice cream debacle.

There was love in this e-mail. But it wasn't tough. It was kind and generous. It lifted my spirits beyond words and will continue to do so for the coming weeks. He is a Rockstar

After work, as promised, I went straight to the gym. 20 minute run, 25 minute all upper body, including back and a little abs, 20 minute sprint intervals, stretch. Ahhhh.... less than 90 minutes later, I was a new woman. All of the support and a really good sweat, and things just look a little brighter.

My food was totally on par yesterday. I didn't end up quite as carby as I feared. A little more then I like, but I'm not stressing. Here are the ending stats from yesterday:

Cals (I burned APPROX 600 calories (Livestrong tells me 689, but I don’t get behind those stats totally) in the workout I did. I DO NOT "eat" those calories!)
27 g
42 mg
2546 mg
157 g
27 g
97 g
31 g

I'm on track today as well, and not feeling as "crave-y". Tonight will be an at-home workout - hubby has to go help his mom and dad move into their new place. It will be me and my boys. Once I get Thing 2 down for bed, I should be able to do some legs, abs and a little cardio with Thing 1.

I'm wiped out and can't write anymore for now. Love to all of you reading my rants and raves. More love to all of you who care enough to reach out to me...

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Just call me an Ostrich

Because I am sticking my head in the sand.

I know we all go through cycles and waves and this is just a downward trend for me at the moment, but I am just.... so done.

I am stressed. I can't even go into it much more than that, because when I stop to think about all the stuff going on, I really start to freak out. So, I am trying to keep calm and keep things in perspective. Whenever I feel we get over a hurdle, another one gets put in it's place...

I know people out there have a lot worse problems and issues than I do. I shouldn't be complaining.

I over-ate last night at dinner and picked at decidedly non-clean crackers and cheese. I tried to drown my sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's Raspberry Frozen Greek Yogurt with chocolate pieces. Except it was about 1/3 of the pint, and it made me sick. I spent the rest of the night feeling violently nauseous and crying about how I never f*cking learn. Go me. Yea for making things worse. Winner.

Yesterday should have been a cardio day. Nothing. I did nothing but cry and recover from my ice-cream sickness.

I have made some big mistakes at work lately. Well, yesterday it was only one big mistake, today, I found another. Mistakes that effect other people. Today’s mistake I cannot fix without assistance from another department. I apologize. I ask what I can do to help fix the issue. I apologize more. I get nothing but grief and attitude. But I deserve that, right? After all, I am the f*ck-up who is giving them more work to do.

** As I was about to publish this, I was called and told this problem was now a very large violation. If I still have a job after this, it will be a small miracle.

My stomach is in knots. My whole body is in knots. I wish I could run away.

The price for before-care for my soon-to-be kindergartener has "been updated" and is now almost double what I thought it was going to be.

I think I may actually need another job, but I honestly don't know WHEN I would work it.

My last Bodyology workout was scheduled for this evening. I moved it out to Saturday morning so I could make it last a little longer.

My mom is in Seattle visiting my brother. I always get a little sad when she goes. I imagine them all there, having a nice time seeing each other and I feel left out. Jealous, I guess, that I can't be there as well. My mom SO DESERVES some rest and relaxation... and I would just love it if I was there to share it with her. And I miss my brother, sis-in-law and nephew so much. So, so much...

Today. Ah yes. Today. I've been really fighting to keep myself on the positive track. Overeating will not help things. Crying will not help things. I'm white-knuckling it, so to speak. Telling myself I can do it. I can be strong. I can take out my stress later at the gym. Yes, I brought my workout clothes with me, just like I would if I was going to Bodyology, and I will go straight to the gym. Cardio and upper body. I cannot be afraid. I just have to do it. By myself.

Everything is wavering. Everything is faltering...

I brought my food. Lots of liquids today (mostly water). Feeling the need to "flush" myself.

1 scoop Click, 1/2 cup almond milk, water, ice
B: oxygen oatmeal, 1/2 cup blueberries
L: quinoa stuffed zucchini, 2 oz cabot
S: 1 scoop protein powder, 1/2 cup almond milk, water, ice
S: banana (right before gym)
D: Salad

I am fighting the idea that I need to go super low on calories today to "make up" for last night (red: to punish myself for last night). I can't do that. I can't punish myself for it, I have to just move on, or I will get caught in the cycle. Not *enough* calories today = extremely hungry = more overeating... so on, and so on.

Now that I look at my listed food, it's looking really carby. Crap

I'm sorry for this huge vent... I can't even go on and put down everything that's happening... I don't think I would have any readers left if I did.

Monday, August 13, 2012

A few numbers puts it in perspective

Where I started: BMI 58.9 (365 lbs) Super Morbidly Obese

Where I am now: BMI 30.7 (190 lbs) Obese *sigh*

BUT, I am only .7 BMI points away from being "overweight"... This translates into about 5 lbs.

Never thought I'd be happy to be called overweight, but when you have been super morbidly obese, it's a HUGE (no pun intended) step in the right direction.

Later, peeps...

Weigh in, Macros and the Buckle.

Good morning, blog-land

It's Monday. Normally I would be-moan this; however, after being with my devil children all weekend, including a birthday party in our small condo with 8 screaming children, I am happy to be back at work.

Yes, I said it.

So, let's get on with it, shall we? WI results 8/11: 190. All I can say is: SSWWEEEEEETT...

I am so close to my original goal of 180 by the time I see the surgeon. The coolest part about that is I wasn't planning on see this doc until later in September. With a consult date of Sept 6, I am STILL close. SO CLOSE.

So, time to really buckle down. Not JUST for this appointment, but for a lot of things...

Rugged Maniac is Sept 30. ACKKK!!! So many things run through my head - Am I ready? Am I crazy? Is this dumb? What if I can't do it? What if I can't..... blah, blah, blah.... I have to get the negativity out of my head so I can be SURE I am ready, and not just WONDER if I am.

So, the calories are coming down a little again. I am attempting to stay around 1250. I KNOW I can do it with lots and lots of veggies to help. Today has been calculated nicely. It looks like this:

1 scoop Click protein. 1/2 cup almond milk (unsweetened), water, ice
B: oxygen pumpkin oatmeal, about 1/4 cup fresh blueberries
S: Rest of my blueberries (another 1/4 cup) 1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese
L: 2 pieces quinoa stuffed zucchini (great new recipe I played with this weekend - only 175 cals for 2 pieces, and the stats are awesome)
S: 1 medium banana, 2 oz cabot 75% red. fat cheese

As of this point, I have 399-449 calories left for dinner and post dinner snack. I give that range because Livestrong is giving me 1206 calories for the day, and I am giving myself up to 1250.

My macros look great:
807  - before dinner and post dinner snack
17 g  - I have plenty more... gotta get some healthy fat into dinner, or maybe some PB post dinner?
53 mg
1851 mg - a little high - gotta watch dinner
107 g  - nice, but gonna keep the carbs low at dinner
18 g  - need about 10 more grams...
62 g - this will go up at dinner too - I like it closer to 100
32 g  - blueberries, banana, zucchini (mostly banana - 15 grams!)

It's really, really important that I keep my macros in the balance I want to see. It's NOT JUST about calories. I could eat 1200 calories worth of shit, and my body will feel like shit and act like shit. For ME - I like to keep my carbs (minus fiber) under 100 grams, unless it's a serious hardcore training day, and I allow it to be a little higher (using sweet potato, oats, fruit, etc). I want my protein close to 100 grams, my sugar low, and my cholesterol low. Fat? You really need it to be satisfied and to stay full. Use it. (The healthy stuff)

This is just for me. I am not saying this would work for someone else. (Although, I think it IS a very healthy way to eat for all people)

All this being said - you notice I say "I LIKE" or "I WANT" to keep this or that at a certain level. This doesn't always happen. I try very, very hard to make it happen, but I'm FAR from perfect. Sometimes I get a little carby. It happens.

I am at my lowest adult weight. Ever. Like, I probably weighed more than this in High School. I really don't know... damn, I probably weighed more then this in middle school!

I am going to structure my workouts a bit more too. I have been working out "about" 5 days a week (sometimes 4, eeek!) So I am going to make a better plan. Went to the gym yesterday and fried my legs with some running and sprint intervals. Then I did some abs. This was after "Iron (Wo)Man" on Saturday at Bodyology, so my whole body was already aching.

My abs are weak. They are the weakest part of me. I need to really concentrate on them, STAT.

I don't have a set workout routine yet that I do at the gym. When I work out at home or the gym, I tend to be a cardio-bunny, and that has to change. I walked around the gym a little last night and familiarized myself more with the equipment. I am ashamed to say I don't know how to use a lot of it, because I am used to doing body weight exercises and free weights. This has to change... especially since I am going into my LAST Bodyology workout this week. Need to get rid of the Gym-fear. That is going to happen THIS WEEK.

Lots of other things I can talk about, but this is already a long post. I'll end for now, and revisit with more later.

A shout out to my girl Rae Rae who is working her ass off and is OUT of the 190's - YES GIRL! I am RIGHT BEHIND YOU! :-) :-) :-)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Lonely Fridays

Friday night, and I'm feeling lonely. Friday is normally one of my favorite evenings.

Hubby has rehearsal, and I have the kids. The little one goes to bed and then the older one and I workout. It's usually ok, but being that he's 5, is occasionally frustrating, as he likes to suddenly stand in front of me mid burpee, or begin demanding strawberries during high-knees.

We are working it out.

After the workout, he goes down for bed and I have a little time for myself. I should be relishing in this time, but tonight I just feel... Lonely.

Inner-fat-girl wants to use food to fill the void, but I know better. All food has been accounted for and consumed, and there will be no more, especially from an emotional place. So, I come here instead. I put it all down on "paper". I put it out there for others to see.

I guess I am getting used to the idea of being more vulnerable here. And maybe this is one of the things that will help me stay the path.

I'm currently listening to both of my children talking. They should be sleeping. I've already been in with the reminder "night-night" to no avail. I shouldn't mind. The longer they chat now, e later we get to sleep... But when the older one doesn't get enough sleep, he's a beast, so I worry about that. I had to punish him this evening, which SUCKS, but was needed. If he's terrible tomorrow, I'll have to do it again and hate hate hate it.

Alright, I know. This is a weight loss blog, and most of this is not weight loss related. But, it is what it is peeps. I know there are some of you out there, fighting the good fight with crazy kids and schedules in tow, and I know you feel me. Give me a shout out if you've ever been tripped by a kindergartener mid burpee. We should start a club...

Choices, Corsets, and luncheons

I started a post yesterday, but it felt forced. I don't like feeling like I "have" to blog. So, when I have something to say, I will be here, to say it.

Thanks to all of the support I received on my last blog, in which I opened myself up to you all about my goal.

Going back to my girl The FitFat Girl - her follow up post to the first - there was another question. We have established "What We Want". Now, are you WILLING to do the things needed to get what you want.
She does NOT ask "are you ABLE", because frankly, everyone is ABLE to do the things needed. It's really about being willing.

My short answer - YES. I am WILLING to do these things. And among the things that need to be done - losing more weight and shaping my body appropriatly.

This is not JUST a physical reason, but I was reminded by Norma in her comment that yes - the physical DOES have to be there... we have to WALK THE WALK not just TALK THE TALK. Even if I am walking the walk, when I am still 40 lbs over weight, it's hard to see that. Losing more weight and continuing to work on my strength and fitness not only transforms by body, but my mind. I continue to LEARN MORE I can teach clients as I do this. So then, when they are successful, and they get to the point I am at now, I can KEEP TEACHING them and helping them to their goals.

Of course, other things like school and eventually finding a part time job so I can do my field work are going to be essential. I'm not worried about these things. They simply MUST BE DONE to obtain my goal. End of story.

Whew. Ok. Now that's out there... :-)

Wednesday's workout was a tabata style format. 5 rounds, 8 exercises per round. After round 2, Christa turns down the music for a moment and gets our attention. She tells us this is a veteran class. We all know how to work hard. We all know how to push ourselves. But she wanted us to go further. To the place that we are all scared to go. Instead of telling yourself "Keep going, keep going", she wanted us to say "Go faster, go faster. More. MORE". Demand more of ourselves. Go to that place that is beyond the line we normally push to.

Well, it made for an insane and seriously intense remaining 3 rounds. Wow. It was incredible. I did not have one drop of sweat left. I left it all on the mat. And it was good.

No workout last night, as I spent the evening dressed an a pirate wench at my boys school fundraiser. We were there till quite late, got home, and collapsed.

You can actually see the ensemble I had on to the right here on the blog. Except, that when I put it on last night, it was all falling off. The corset was laced as tight as it could go, and it was still loose (very sad for my boobs). The chemise (dress underneith) was so big, hubby had to rig it/tie it up in the back, attaching it TO the corset so I wouldn't start exposing myelf to people. The overskirt was falling down. I spent the night hiking it up and tucking it under the corset...

And while I cursed it all night, thinking about it now... it's pretty freaking awesome - except that now I need ANOTHER new corset - and those babies are expensive! I can fix the skirt (I think)... the chemise... eh, I dunno. I'll attempt to figure something out by Faire season.

I looked so SMALL in the corset... and it wasn't tight enough! I can't imagine what I would look like in one that actually FITS! Maybe that will be my next gift to myself when I reach another goal.

Eats for today:
1 scoop click, 1/5 cup almond milk, water, ice (boy did I need this caffeine boost this AM!)
B: oxygen oatmeal
S: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1/2 cup blueberries
L: 1/2 sweet potato, 2 oz cabot 75% red. fat cheese, LOTS of zucchini in tomato sauce (home made, about a cup total)
S: banana
D: black bean burger with salad? Mexican turkey breast? Hmmm... decisions decision...

Going up to a co-worker farwell luncheon where everyone who says they are dieting finds this the perfect opportunity to eat everything laid out, including all the desserts and huge cake.

I will be bringing said lunch listed above. I will not have cookies or cake or anything else. THESE choices will help me acheive my goal. End of story. (Or, is it BEGINNING of story? :-) )

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

What I Want.

I was reading a blog I really adore yesterday and it struck a chord...

Go check out The FitFat Girl over at wordpress... It's ok, I'll wait.

Her latest entry asked a question. What Do You Want?

It not only asked the question, but it demanded an answer. Not some half-assed, pithy answer like "A decent job that pays me okay", but something better, bigger, bolder.

What Do You Want? Clearly and Specifically.

It can be a hard question to truly answer. Sometimes those answers scare us. We don't want to say them out loud, because then they really exist in the universe. Making our goals known? Putting ourselves out there?

Well then - aren't we just setting ourselves up for failure?
Then someone can call us out where we aren't doing the things that move us toward what we want...
People will know if we are slacking...

No wonder we want to keep our goals and dreams inside.

But here is the truth. Until we can own what we truly want in life, we cannot achieve it. Because until you put it out there, with a plan of action, nothing will really get done.

It's just a dream till you make a plan. Then it's a goal. Once you have that plan, the goal is practically yours. All you have to do is put in the work.

And if you don't make it? If you "fall short"? Well, maybe you don't want it bad enough. Or, maybe you need to revisit that goal. Tweek your plan. BUT. Don't let the "tweeking the plan" become an excuse. I've read quite a few blogs who mistake true "tweeking" of a plan to mean "going off the deep end, but it's ok because I am learning and tweeking my plan"

I know this post sounds jumbled and crazy. Forgive. I've been thinking a lot about and working toward a very specific goal. I haven't really spelled it out here, or anywhere else really, because I had fear. Fear of being judged. Fear of being told I "can't" or "shouldn't".

I'm tired of it.

Many of you know I am in school to become a Registered Dietitian. This is a slow process, and I wish I could be in school full time so I could almost be done by now, but it's not possible. So, this is what I want from this education:

I want to be the owner of a weight loss center. I am developing material that is based on "clean" whole food eating. I am going to work with adults, teens, kids and families. I am creating workbooks individually taylored to each person. I am compiling a cookbook. I am creating a website.

I realized that, although this degree will give me the credentials, I already have much of the knowledge through research and study, and frankly, trial and error. I KNOW I have found a plan that CAN work for many people. Eating whole, clean, healthy, nutritious foods can ONLY be beneficial for people.

So, there it is. My fear is that someone who has followed this blog will think that I struggle too much to be helping people do what I am doing. I fear those thoughts from others, because I am afraid that it's true. I've been told many, many times that I should be helping people NOW (thus, the reason all of the materials are being developed now). But, what would someone think, walking into a consult with me - this overweight woman telling them what to eat? Sure, I could show them the pictures, I could tell them the history... but the first impression is what it is...

Once again, I'm sorry this is jumbled and such. I just had to get it all out. If any of you are still reading to this point, bless your heart.

Here I am. Open, vulnerable. It's done now. Feels kinda good... but of course, I haven't clicked publish yet.... here we go....

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Another day at the office

Good morning, Blog-land

First, thank you to Norma, Rea Rea and Jenn for your responses yesterday regarding my "blood sugar" crashes... it seems it's possible there is another culprit: anxiety.

This, I hate to say, is a total possibility. Let me explain.

2 years ago today, my incredible, Mohawk-haired Thing 2 came into this world. When I say Mohawk, I mean it. He had more hair than I did. Woh. He just blew my mind. The love I felt for him was over-the-top. While I was pregnant, I was afraid I wouldn't be capable of loving him as much as my Thing 1 - but there was NEVER any problem with that. Your heart simply grows bigger to make room.

A little less than 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with extreme post-partum depression. It was horrible. I was scared and anxious all the time. I cried constantly. I wanted to be alone all the time. I could hardly get up during the night to care for my infant. Thank GOD I have an amazing husband who was caring, compassionate, and did almost all of the night time work.

I was on medication. Which I hated. But at that point, I couldn't function without it. I actually weaned myself off of the meds (2 different ones) before my doctor thought it was appropriate. In my defense - I was eating well and exercising a lot, and I know that helped me get through it faster than some.

As I reflected last night on the idea that this heart pounding/sweating/shaking situation could actually be anxiety, I recalled that more recently, I have been feeling down, and wanting to be alone a lot more. I feel at times I am forcing myself to do my everyday activities. I just attributed it to fatigue. At this point, I am willing to admit it might be something more. It's something I will pay attention to.

So, moving on... I left work early yesterday for an appointment and I was able to find time to go to the gym. A luxury, really, on a busy Monday. Normally I like to run outside whenever possible. But, it was SO muggy and hot out yesterday, I opted for the treadmill. I was very happy with the end result.

I put the incline on 1.5, to more closely simulate outdoor running. I warmed up quickly and set myself to just run the first mile straight. I actually felt *good*! The second mile I worked intervals. 45 second sprints, 1 minute recovery. Whew! 3rd mile, ran about .60 of it straight and then slowed it down progressively for the last .40 or so. Got in a really good stretch (cause my hips and calves were SCREAMING) and called it a day. 45 minute workout. Done. Felt awesome (afterwards, anyway!)

Eats for yesterday just slightly changed - .5 oz of almonds on salad, no chick peas, no apple with PB in the evening, replaced with 1/2 a protein shake. I needed something cold and light and it fit the bill. Calories ended up just over 1260

Eats for today (it's going to seem like déjà-vu)

full, 2 scoop click shake (actually divided up into 2 shakes. I was up at 5:30, and it was a long morning)
B: 1.5 pieces red pepper spinach (crust less) quiche
S: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1/2 cup blueberries (seriously, my fav snack right now)
L: zucchini lasagna
S: banana, 1 oz cheese (maybe)
D: repeat of last nights salad.

Tonight: Cooking for the rest of the week on tap. Oatmeal and some Black Bean Quinoa burgers.

Avoiding the massive bag of fresh kettle corn sitting on the cabinet next to me that the co-workers are diving into. Hopefully it will be gone soon.

Just another day at the office. 

Monday, August 6, 2012

blood sugar, money, and other such suckage...

Let me just get this out of the way: WI results: 196. Up 3 lbs.

Yes, that sucks. But it seems as though my body likes to play yo-yo, even when I am on target. I would have had to eat an AWFUL lot of calories for 3 lb gain of real fat. And I know for a fact that I didn't. I was NOT perfect, but I wasn't horrible. Just moving on.

Anyway, We will check in again next week and see where we are at. It can only get better.

I've been having some blood sugar issues lately. It's been crashing on me (which is a terrible feeling - heart racing, sweating, shaking) and so I have been trying to eat a little more often, on a schedule, and keeping everything very balanced. Obviously still weighing, measuring, and logging/counting all food/calories. The whole thing is weird, because it used to happen to me when I would overeat on something high in sugar, and then after I would feel the crash... not sure why it is happening when I am eating higher protein, and lower carb (in general).

Speaking of all this, here are the eats for today:

1 scoop click, almond milk, water, ice
B: Oxygen oatmeal
S: 1/2 cup lowfat cottage cheese, 1/2 cup blueberries - awesome combo, by the way
L: 1 serving zucchini lasagna
S: 1/2 medium banana, 1 oz cabot lowfat cheese
D: Salad, with 1/2 cup chickpeas and another 1 oz of cheese, 2 tbs dressing
S: if needed, apple, with 1 tbs PB

Yesterday was fine for eating - I just didn't feel like anything. I drank a lot of water, had some home made veggie soup for lunch and toiled on what I wanted for dinner. Nothing appealed. I did end up eating some more roasted veggies, with a little parmesean, some of the zucchini lasagna. Then, I just called it a day. Under calories, which is weird for me. Maybe it was the damn humidity and heat. Holy Gawd!

Saturday was a tough day for eating, but I was very proud of myself. I was at a picnic for most of the day, celebrating a 5 year olds (nephew) birthday party. Pizza, cheese puffs and cupcake on the menu.

I drank a diet soda, and a bunch of water. I did not even contemplate the pizza and such.

That evening, hubby took me out to a local vegan restaurant(so nice- we never get to go out!). It's very, very good. I chose carefully, and only ate 1/2 at dinner, and finished it later. Tempeh, hot mustard, saurkraut, sweet potato fries (and yes, they were fried) however, this was *almost* the only thing I ate that day (except for oatmeal right after bootcamp). I don't feel bad about it. Not one iota. It was WAY too delicious. Totally worth it.

Went to Bodyology on Saturday and worked my ass off. It helped that hubby was there filming me for my fundraising project. I'm going to use the footage and build up the site with Q and A, info and workout clips. He's going to come with me one more time (likely Saturday morning again) to see more of the lifting, as there was a lot on the TRX and body weight work on Sat, but nothing with good, heavy weights.

Only 3 more Tuff Girl workouts left. Next Wednesday will be my last one. Money sucks.

Feeling really emotional the past few days, like things are just falling through my fingers... feeling out of control. Not with food, but with life. Finances are a huge stressor, as they are with most people, so I know I shouldn't complain. I wish I could be doing what I really WANT to be doing as a career, and I don't like my job, but I am grateful for it at the same time, as so many don't have jobs at all... I have no real reason to be bitching, so I'll shut it. *sigh*

Hold fast to what you want and keep moving forward. Peace and Love to you all.

Friday, August 3, 2012

On the ball, and on the ball

Oh GLORIOUS Friday! I have been waiting for you all week!

Let me back track - no post yesterday equals a re-cap of Wednesdays workout.

Another winner, of course, becasue I never met a workout at Bodyology that didn't push me hard and that I didn't love/hate all at once. This one was awesome, and I did hanging pull ups with bands, when ususally I had to stop between each one and use the jumping method to get my face over the bar. Not anymore!

And that wasn't even my biggest improvement.

I have written before about those bitches: gliding mountain climbers. I am sure you know what mountain climbers are, and gliding simply means your feet are on gliding discs, adding to your instability and making your core and quads work harder.

Now we have a reached another point. Gotta make it harder.

Crap. How do you do that?

You put your hands on a stability ball instead of on the nice, solid, secure ground.

Thus, I was "on the ball" (ba,dum,bum)

Christa came right over to me as I was plowing away at these bitches - "Look at you on that ball YESS!!"

I was so proud of myself.

Ok, maybe to the hardcore fitness peeps out there this seems small. But coming from 365, getting off the floor was hard. Damn, getting off the COUCH was hard. Now I am doing gliding mountain climbers on a stability ball.

I rock. Like, a lot.

As if these things were NOT enough. I also PR my hex deadlift. 155lbs. This is not a max 1 rep PR, this is reps in a 40 second interval. I ended up doing about 5-6 per interval. Next time, we will try 160/165. Gotta push and see how heavy I can go with those.

Can't wait till tomorrow! :-)

Eating has been....good. Not stellar. I had pretzels again last night as I worked overtime, and it just demolished me. Making me feel gross, bloated and heavy. It also makes me seek out other sugar (remember - pretzels are just sugar. All carbs break down into simple sugar.) like the addict I am. So, today, I am "on the ball" with absolutly nothing off of my plan of eating. No "little tastes" or "just one" or "things in moderation". It NEVER STOPS THERE. I will say it again and again to myself and anyone who will listen. And if I make the mistake, I will pay for it, own up to it and I will get up again, get "On the ball" and soldier on.

Eats for today:
1 scoop Click - 1/2 cup almond milk, water, ice
B: pumpkin oatmeal (if anyone is interested in what is in this, it's super easy - plain oats, plain pumpkin, low fat cottage cheese, water, some baking powder, cinnamon and allspice. You can add stevia if you'd like. Simple and good for you.)
S: 1/2 cup lowfat cottage cheese, 1/2 cup blueberries
L: 1 cup homemade chili
S: banana - no protein :-( need to grocery shop badly
D: Salad all the way

Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of water to help me get rid of this bloating. I drink lots anyway, but I'm going to increase it.

I plan on running tonight, as long as I can get my mom over to play with the boys for a while. If not, some kickboxing at home will do nicely.

Tomorrow hubby is coming with me to film me at Tuff Girl for my fund raising project. I've decided to continue working on it, and I will know when it's the right time to launch it.

Ok people. Soldier on!!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Growing up, butterflies

August. Damn. I can't believe it.

In the coming weeks you will hear me (read me) start to talk (write) about my older son. Thing 1, as I have mentioned before, will be going into Kindergarten at the end of this month.

At the end of this. month.

Wow, my blood pressure increases whenever I think about it. Seriously. I am so nervous. I know this happens all the time. I just can't help it. I don't want to let go of my baby. I don't want him to grow up yet.

I know I must. *heavy sigh*

It's going to get worse as the month progresses. Don't say I didn't warn you.

But, right now there is nothing incredibly exciting going on in my life. I am reading some blogs written by people who are going through tough times. I'm praying for them, and anyone else going through hardship...

This afternoon is my beloved Tuff Girl (Bodyology) workout. This one is called The Avenger. I remember it well, and I am excited. Heavy lifting, intense cardio. The works. I always get nervous, even after all this time, in the time leading up to the workout. I know what I am in for, and it releases the butterflies in my stomach. Some of it is still worry, (Will I be able to do it? Am I strong enough?Will someone want me for their team?) and some of it is just anticipation for the intense energy that flies around the place when strong people get together, encourage each other and work to maximum capacity - plus.

Eats for today:
1 scoop Click, 1/2 cup unsweetened Almond milk, water, ice
B: pumpkin oatmeal
L: 1 cup 2 bean chili (homemade- came out good! Spicy!)
S: 1 oz almonds
S: banana (right before workout)
D: I honestly have no idea. I will likely default to a big salad, chick peas, some low fat cheese.... it's already sounding like a winner.

Calorie wise it has been incredibly tough to stay in the low 1200's, so I am resigning myself to between 1300-1350 a day. If I have a day where I run a little low, awesome, but I can't beat myself up for 100 calories. Maybe 1300 is just my calorie "sweet spot" I have heard others tell tail of. Regardless, 1300/1350 is still eating in a deficit, and that's what matters. Add some exercise, and my deficit is even bigger. Yea me!

Alright, I need to get back to work.