Looking back and looking forward

New Year's Eve...

I had to look back at last years posts around this time. I'm so glad I did, because it revealed a lot.

I've lost almost 40 lbs this past year.
I've found clean eating - or, the version of clean eating that works for me.
I busted out of the 200's (twice now, lol)
I completed a Rugged Maniac
I PR'ed my 5K

In other news, I established myself more fully in my church, continued to grow our theater company, continued school and made Dean's List, Honor Society and earned a scholarship. Continued to exercise, and continued to raise the most amazing little men all while working full time.

In all of these things, there have been ups and downs, but that's life. Life is not the straight and narrow. It just doesn't work that way. But, I'll continue going in the right direction.

I'm not a huge fan of "resolutions" because they just tend to work for a few days and then get forgotten. I do, however, like the idea of fresh start and feeling "renewed" by the new year. There is motivation is starting the new year on a good note.

Source
I'm starting my New Year off with a 9AM spin class :-)

I have other things I want to work on this year - my patience, temper, my closeness with God. These are things that will undoubtedly make their appearance here on my blog as well.

Of course, my weight, strength and health are always a top priority. My first short term goal is to be at 180 or less by my surgery date - 3/6/13.

I can't wait to feel how running and exercising will be after this huge amount of skin is GONE from my abdomen. I can't even imagine...

Here is my exercise schedule for the week - I'm excited about it:
1/1 - Spin
1/2 - Group Power - strength with barbells and dumbbells
1/3 - Group Active - cardio
1/4 - off :-)
1/5 - Bodyology (Tuff Girl)
1/6 - Gym, individual strength workout that I am going to put together
1/7 - Spin

Source
I'm going to do some cooking tonight and tomorrow for the week. I talked with Thing 1 about trying new foods and focusing on filling our bodies with healthy foods. We talked about what kinds of foods are healthy (he actually is very good with this - he knows a lot of healthy choices) and what kinds are not, and need to be "every once in a while" foods (phasing out the term "treat", because he doesn't get a treat is every once in a while. Obviously, this is my fault) He was super receptive to this and tried, and really enjoyed the shrimp we had last week and a chicken/black bean chowder I made in the crockpot for the weekend. I was so proud of him for trying it, and so happy he enjoyed it!

Thing 2 is much easier - I haven't destroyed him quite as badly. He'll eat what is put in front of him - the spicier the better. Crazy punk.

Anyway - no plans for tonight. I have a big date with Thing 1 at Bounce U at 2:30 today. After that, home for dinner and kids to bed early so hubby and I can have some quiet time. That is my idea of a perfect New Year's Eve.

What's going on with you guys?? Have you looked back at your accomplishments this year??

Peace...

Surgery, fund-raising and 26 Acts update

Hello and happy Friday friends!

I have only been working 3 days this week, but WOW it's taking forever! SO GLAD it's Friday!

Just so everyone can rest easy: I FINALLY got my spicy shrimp last night. Aren't you relieved??
And even bigger score is hubby made enough for my lunch today. Win!

You all know I have been working toward my surgery. My date, March 6, is set. My nerves are setting in already. This surgery means SO MUCH to my health and well-being, mentally and physically. I can't believe it really happening. I am still afraid it will be snached away somehow. I was thinking about it today, and I think the fear comes from my fund-raising efforts.

You may be wondering WHY I need to fundraise if the insurance company is covering the procedures (which they are -AMAZING) Well, here is why: I need to cover expenses like hospital co-pay, post surgery compression garments (damn, they are pricey!) and I still need to cover all of the normal house-hold expenses I normally take on when I am working. Because I don't have nearly enough paid time off (because of hubby's call-out policy in his office, I am always the one who needs to take off when the kids get sick), I will have 2 weeks of unpaid time off. But, daycare, groceries and utility expenses still have to be paid while I am recovering. So, that's what this fundraising effort is for.

I need to raise about $2500, and so far I have raised $300. I have an incredibly generous donor who has offered to match my donations, up to $1000 to get to my goal - can you even believe that???? However, even if that match happened at this point, I would still only have $600 - that's just about the hospital co-pay.

If you are reading this - take a moment to look at my fundraising page (you will see the link to the right or click HERE) and read my story. Perhaps, if you are able, consider making a donation. It will go a very long way in helping me reach the goal I have worked so hard for.


Source

Also - I realized I didn't update on my 26 Acts of Kindness - It's still on-going! I have lost count! LOL - but that's a good thing, because I have gotten my hubby and kids involved and we are just going to keep trying to do kind acts everyday. I distributed 15 holiday cards onto windshields, bought coffee for several people, and distributed 2 gift cards to people I don't know. It makes me feel so incredible to do something like that for someone, knowing it helps them to be happy. We all deserve to be happy!

What makes YOU happy?? How are going to make someone else happy today??

Peace, my friends

GTFOI :-)

After a lot of struggle to get to spinning last night (taking both kids, getting them together, stopping for gas, pump didn't work, then car wouldn't start (damn battery - really need a new one), hubby comes to jump car, but his battery is covered with a big, bolted plastic thing, kids are ornery, Thing 2 proceeds to release a mega-poop and stink up the car, and at this point it's snowing like a bitch.) Luckily, a nice man stopped and helped us jump the car. I gave Thing 2 back to hubby to bring home for changing and FINALLY proceeded with Thing 1 to the gym.

And STILL got there in time for class.

But I didn't WANT to. No way. At that point, sitting in the gas station, I wanted to go home and get cozy and plop on the couch. But, frankly, that's not helping anyone. Especially not me.

So, I went to class. It was incredible, and I actually did really, really well for it being my first spin class back in, like, a year. The instructor was great, music was awesome, and I zoned into what I was there for. It worked like a charm. Kicked my ass, and I loved it. Legs aren't sore today, and neither is my ass. Hmmm... maybe I didn't work hard enough? I did feel like I wanted to give up a few times. Of course, I kept plugging, but that's usually my clue that I am working hard enough.

I didn't get my spicy shrimp last night (boo!) but hubby promised to make it tonight (yeah!) cause he wanted to get some stir-fry veggies for it. Win.

Last night I ended up with mixed veggies, home made tomato sauce, some TVP and low fat mozzarella on 1/2 sweet potato. It was good, and I had the otehr half for lunch today. In general I am staying away from TVP, but when the budget is so tight, and you have it on hand, you use it.

Eats for today:
B: Oats, banana, PB
S: Large tea
L: TVP/veggie/sauce/sweet potato
S: 1 cheese stick, more tea
D: spicy shrimp, veggies

Still pounding the water.

I think I am going to try a new core class at the gym tonight. I need to continue work on my core - I've been saying that forever. I get really nervous going into a new class, and I feel really out of place, but I need to GTFOI (Get the fuck over it) and GET IT DONE. Yup.

I'm not going to bore you to tears with anything else. One step at a time, saying no to one cookie/candy/drink/cake/whatever at a time. This time of year BLOWS for this shit....

Peace, friends...

Workin' it Post-Christmas

Merry Post-Christmas!

Whew!

We had a very nice Christmas, I have to say. Lack of sleep was totally worth it to hear Thing 1 continuously screech "I LOVE SANTA AND MAMA AND DADA". They both LOVED their gifts and are currently home destroying the house with them. I wish I was with them, but I am working.

*contented sigh*

That all said, Thing 1 was up at 4 AM Christmas morning, and I am still recovering!

Seeing my brother and his family and spending time with them made me so happy, but saying goodbye to them is so hard. Not even sure when the next time we will see them is.

The last few days I consumed food and drink that is not great for me. Some of it was worth it, some wasn't. It's over and done now and today is the re-start of super-clean eating.

My Inner Fat Girl, who I am now re-naming Inner Fat Bitch is already attempting to convince me that it’s “totally OK”  to wait till New Year’s Day to “re-start”. Bullshit. I could easily eat my way up another 5 lbs before then that I will just have to take off again. NO NO NO. IT ENDS HERE.

I have 10 weeks EXACTLY till my surgery and I have work to do.

I couldn't bring myself to get on the scale this morning. I feel good about my plan, and stepping on, seeing the shitty, shitty number was going to throw me in a tailspin. So, I'm waiting to get some of the carb-bloat down and then I will see what the REAL deal is.

Eats for today:

B: 1/2 cup plain oats, 2 tbs natural PB, 1 medium banana
S: apple, 2 tbs PB
L: 1/2 cup quinoa, 1/2 cup black beans, really spicy salsa, 2 oz low fat cheddar
S: small veggie green salad with olive oil and vinegar dressing
D: spicy shrimp, 1/2 sweet potato, veggies, veggies, veggies
S:? Maybe pomegranate

Water, water, water – did I mention water? And a little black coffee. Gonna go grab some and drink it down like a little bitter medicine – it kinda is – I have a dreadful caffeine headache. But I’m outta tea and I’m not adding any sweetener to the coffee.

I’ve eaten my breakfast and apple snack already – it’s 10:15. I’m hungry. This is what you have to deal with when you’ve over-stuffed your pie hole. Your body wants more and more and more. So, yes, I’m going to be hungry today, even though I have enough food for my body. I may be cranky. Hoping the coffee will help with that. Gonna go get some now.

I’m going to SPIN CLASS tonight! SO freaking excited. I’m going to be in SO MUCH PAIN in the morning. I don’t know what will hurt more, my legs from the spinning or my ass from the seat. No matter. SO WORTH IT.

Happy End of The World Day!

Or, maybe just another day in Paradise for us... and my hubby's birthday. So, for him, I am super happy the world didn't actually end.

We observed a moment of silence at 9:30 this morning. This has been a long week.

I've been working diligently on my 26 Acts of Kindness... I guess technically I've done 8... any of you guys out there have idea on "acts of kindness" that don't actually cost a ton of money?

Hmmm.... does going to the salon and having my eyebrows waxed count as an act of kindness for anyone who has to look at me?

Anyway - my brother, sis-in-law and gorgous nephew Jack-a-roo are coming in from Seattle - actually - they should have already landed!! Ok, hold on... gotta call mom...

YES!!! THEY HAVE LANDED!!!!! HOORAYYYYYY!!!!!!!

They took a red-eye from Seattle, with one lay-over in Atlanta. Hopefully they were able to sleep a bit on the flight, and they will be up for visiting when I get out of work today. I leave at noon, go grab the kids (Thing 1 has a 1/2 day) and go over for a joyful reunion!! I can't believe I haven't seen them for a year!

Alright, I know so far this has nothing to do with weight, exercise, and the like. But, I guess that's life for the moment. I haven't weighed myself, but I feel heavy and yucky. I have not been eating clean and I can really feel it. I'm making a healthy veggie-filled salad to bring to my mom's on Sunday (which is Christmas #1) and on Christmas day, we are actually planning on salmon, veggies and quinoa for dinner.

I'm not waiting for 1/1/13 to begin my strict clean plan. 12/26 will be Day 1 of super-challenge mode. I will be using Christmas eve to make up some food to have starting 12/26, since I know I won't be cooking on Christmas day. I'm still working on the plan... Using Clean Eating and of course Oxygen Magazine for recipe ideas that are mostly meatless. I've been fine with fish and shrimp, but chicken and turkey... even just the smell has been turning my stomach. Ugh.

I hope everyone has a safe, healthy, love-filled holiday. Whatever you celebrate, or even if you don't - take some time to hug and appreciate your loved ones, friends and yourself. Peace to you all.

Keep moving forward...

Sadness, and surgery date

With a big sigh, I am back here in Blog land.

The sadness, fear and anxiety I have been feeling has not lifted. And it is nothing, NOTHING in comparison to what my neighbors in Newtown are going through.

All I can do is pray. Pray for the families healing and comfort. And I pray for my children, that they will never, ever have to endure what so many there had to witness and live through. And that they will never be in the position of those 20 angels.

Another way to work out the sorrow is a movement that has been started called 26 Acts. Go out and commit 26 Acts of Kindness. The world needs kindness and generosity and love so much right now. I started this morning, and I am going to keep it going. Think about it. What acts of kindness can you perform today?

Ok, moving forward. I don't want this post to be all about the tragedy.

The days and hours are barreling toward Christmas at an even faster pace than I am used to. Shopping is basically done, with the exception of a grab-bag gift and one other gift for my nephew (I know what I am getting; it's just going to be about finding the time to stop and get it).

The boys are all set and I think they will be very, very happy at what Santa has in store. One thing we have already given them is a guinea pig - *sigh*... he's chill and easy to care for, and the kids LOVE him. We named him Vito. Vito, the Guinea. My husband’s idea of hilarity... and well, I laughed my ass off when he came up with it.

Eating has not been great, but not horrible. No binging, which I am happy about. I have not lost anything, but I have not gained anything either. No excuses, it's just been on the back burner.

I am acutely aware, however, of my surgery coming.... I actually have a date. March 6 will be the day I will literally shed my former self. I want to give my surgeons as much as possible to remove, so obviously I want to be a small and HEALTHY as I can be. I am developing a plan - a longer version of the week long challenge, but with some changes, as I have had a real aversion to meat lately. I haven't eaten almost any for a few weeks now...

I’ll update again soon with the plan of action. Right now, I am trying to not stress (well, after my math final exam tomorrow, anyway) and taking the time to enjoy my family and friends in the coming week. If I wasn’t sure where my priorities were before last week, I sure know now.

Peace, love and comfort to you all

Grieving...

Sent my children to school today with fear and anxiety.
Grieving for the 20 children who were not mine, but are, in fact, all of ours.
Grieving for the parents who are weeping into empty childrens beds.
Grieving for a world that is very different now than it was before Friday morning at 9:38 AM.

Shooting

There has been a shooting at an elementary school in Newtown, CT. The mother fucker went into the school and killed 27 people, including 18 CHILDREN with at least 14 being KINDERGARDENERS.

One shooter is dead. One is at large.

I am about 40 minutes away from this town.

I have no words for this total and utter distruction of innocent life.

I am praying for these families.... I can't... I have nothing else....

SHOOTING

ETA: 20 children dead, 6 faculty/staff members and the shooter = 27 dead. Shooter also killed his father on the way to the school, where apparently the intent was to kill his mother, who was a kindergarden teacher at the school. The children he killed were in her class and another class next door....

they were just babies... they had so much life ahead of them....

Back...from...the...dead...

Yes, I'm back.

From the worst stomach virus to hit our house in a LOOOONG time.

It was pretty dreadful - taking us all out one by one. I was the last to get it. After I spent the weekend cleaning up after everyone, I spent Monday into Tuesday wanting to DIE.

So, yes, here I am for a small post. I don't know what I really weigh, because I haven't eaten in days, and I am still dehydrated and trying to get my strength back.

When I tell you it was bad, I meant it. Ugh.

I am focusing on eating things that don't make me queasy (Ezekiel cinnamon raisin toast and PB have been my friend) and on prepping for my finals which are next week. One day at a time, for sure.

I hope you all out there are getting your Merry on without piling pounds on. It's possible to have a wonderful holiday without getting all crazy. Inevitably there will be peeps that "start over" on Jan 1. Hey, I used to be one of those. At least they are trying. Some might even stick with it! The others will taper off by the 3rd week of January and the gym will be back to normal.

Oh, gym - I miss you! I haven't worked out for a week!

That's all I can say right now. I have a math test soon, and I have to finish my work.

Keep moving forward...

A big "mamma sigh"

I very quick, very tired post. Up all night with Thing 2 vomiting. He now has a 102 fever... my poor, poor sweetie. I'm sure Thing 1 is next.

It's going to be a long weekend.

I'm at work, hubby is home with the little one. I have to get through work and overtime training tonight...

I'm too tired to formulate any more sentences... so I'm going to make my exit.

Peace, all...

KILLED IT

My chest and arms are sore from last nights tabata, which, might I add, I KILLED. I'm so proud of how far I've come with some of these exercises. I'm jumping rope so much faster, without tripping over my own damn feet. My burpees are faster, all push-ups are on my toes... commando pushups, high-knees with drop downs, butt kickers, kick ups... I conquered every damn interval. I think I may have said before that at Bodyology "6 is the new 5"... meaning that normally in Tabata, you do 5 rounds... well, now we do 6.

After the 2nd round last night I thought, "Holy God, we are only 1/3 of the way through"... but I just picked off those rounds one at a time. It felt awesome. By the end I was exhausted but empowered. It was EXACTLY what I needed.

Last night when I got super munchy, I air popped some popcorn, sprinkled on a little sea salt and it was good. Night time has been the hardest for munchy/cravings/Inner fat girl to bother me. I feel really good about my eats from yesterday overall.

Eats for today:
BB: 1/2 click coffee, almond milk, water, ice
B: oats, 1/2 banana, 2 tbs pb
S: almonds
L: black bean soup (I love this stuff!) 2 oz low fat cheese
S: grapes
D: Not sure, prolly 1/2 sweet potato with some salsa, or the rest of the veggie bake...

I've just been signed up for training at work, which will be tomorrow 2-6 and next SATURDAY 7:30-11:30... I just keep saying "overtime, overtime, overtime" to myself. We need the $$, so we do what we have to do.

I wish I had more time to chat, but I am alomst out of work, on my way to class, then a quick drive by to snuggle with the kids, shove some food down my throat and then off to church choir.

I can't WAIT till the weekend. Holiday light display and Santa pics on tap with the boys!

Keep moving forward.

Is this thing on?

Hey guys -

I admit that I have been feeling very weak lately. I haven't been "terrible" but I haven't been "on par". I mean, I already kinda said this is my last post. When I look back, I've actually been eating well, but I continuously feel like it's not enough. I think my energy is just low. Bah.

Hubby and I are waiting anxiously for our holiday checks. At the hospital we work at, if we meet certain goals during the year, all employees get a bonus check in December. I think GOD for this, because I don't know how Christmas would happen otherwise. This, of course, makes me think about peeps who don't have this little extra... So, as my good friend Allen would say - pay it forward. I have some "things" in the works for some who need it.

Everyone should strive to do what they can personally do for someone who is needing some help in some way. I'm not wealthy, by any means, but there are plenty worse off than I, and I can do something for them.

OK, back to the bloggy topic. I'm getting through it. Reving myself up everyday, continuously, to stay away from the crap. Cookies, M&M's are all over the office... but I walk by, telling myself NO to "just one" - because it's NEVER "just one" and my Inner Fat Girl knows it. She likes to trick me into "just one" knowing that means a downward spiral.

I'm going to kick my own ass this evening at Bodyology. Inferno Tabata on tap. Should be sweaty, shaky, and painful. Sweet.

Eats for today
BB: 1/2 Click protein, 1 cup unsweetened almond milk, water, ice
B: 1/2 cups oats, 1/2 banana, 2 tbs PB
L: spaghetti squash bake
S: 15 carrots, 3 tbs hummus
S: 2 oz low fat cheese, 1/2 banana
D: Black bean soup, 1/2 sweet potato, 1 oz low fat cheese

Boring, I know. I'm here. I hope you are too, and you are all doing well.

Keep moving forward...

Swoon...

I have already proclaimed my affection for Steve Kamb at Nerd Fitness.

I mean, he's hot, ok? And his site is FULL of Awesome workouts, advice and nutritional guidance.

I just read his most recent blog post: If you need some inspiration, and a mini ass-kicking, check it out:

HERE

Seriously awesome stuff...

**swoon, eye flutter, sigh**

Monday, Monday

Monday is a hard day for everyone, I think. My little Thing 2 had a particularly bad time this morning, especially since he had a 3 day weekend. I left him at daycare this morning with "mama, hold you!" ringing in my ears (That's what he and Thing 1 say when they want me to hold them). I know he was fine about a second and a half after I left, but it still stings.

*sigh* such is life, right?

I want to be joyous this time of year, but I always end up a little melancholy. I really don't know why. Maybe it's the increased stress, people who are already horrible are even more horrible... sorry, but does anyone else notice people’s attitudes get shittier along with their driving this time of year? Yeah, me too.

Let's get down to it. WI was the same again, and I know why. I have not been paying close attention to my food and my portions. It's a *little extra* here and there, and it results in the scale not budging. Of course! One thing I will not do, however, is "let go" for December.

I've heard this so much lately! "Oh well, it's the holidays, I'll start after New Year’s" (cue gorging till at least January 2.) I've been there and done that. I am striving to lose, and I will not allow the holidays to stop me. Even if it's a small loss, I will have a lose, dammit.

I worked overtime this weekend. Awesome for the money, but I feel like I should have just brought a sleeping bag and stayed. But, it's worth it if I am able to give more for the holidays. I love to give, and I can't always do it. When I can figure out how to do it on my budget, it makes me really happy.

I’m trying to get ideas for gifts for my hubby, but they are either pricey (new Ipad2, Miter Saw) or stuff for the house, or too little (cell phone cover). December is big for him – it’s our anniversary the 17^th, his birthday the 21^st and then Christmas. Whew! I have a lot to cover! Maybe the Ipad2 and call it all even??

2 more weeks of classes and then finals. The end of the semester cannot come soon enough. Who knew freakin’ algebra could be so damn stressful. Ugh. For the record, as of now, I have an "A" in the class. But that's why I am stressing. I need to hold that "A" to stay on Deans List, which makes me eligible for more scholarships. At this point, even if I failed the last test and final, I would still "pass" the class. But "passing" doesn't cut it for me.


 This would be me......................

I've been thinking lately about all the things I need to "change" about myself. My eating, my exercise, my patience (lack there of) my temper (a little explosive, I admit) my responsibility (I tend to pay bills late)... and I started feeling like... damn, I kinda suck as a person! I mean, all of these things I have to change... feels overwhelming. I wish I was just "good" as I am. But I'm not. I have to change. I have to get, and be, better.
 
It's kinda tiring.

Eats for today:
BB: ½ Click coffee with almond milk
B: plain oats with 1/2 banana 2 tbs almond butter
S: 3 tbs hummus, 1 flax pita
L: spaghetti squash bake (I'm addicted. It's all good)
S: 2 oz low fat cheese, 1/2 banana
D: 1 cup black bean soup with sweet corn (another great experiment), 1 oz low fat cheese
S: 20 grapes, maybe some pomegranate (soooo good...)
Workout for today – probably none. Walked a little at lunch, but I’ll be in class till 8:15, home eating dinner at 8:30, and I have math homework due tomorrow.

This is another reason I can’t wait for classes to be over – SPINNING!!! I cannot freakin’ WAIT to get back in that spin room at the gym!

Ok, this post is pretty random, but it’s been a while since I have been able to post and I’m just spilling it all out there…

Keep moving forward…

Angels, really

I hate going so long without blogging, but time has just not been on my side!

First - WI from this weekend - SAME. I'm not too upset. I mean, I lost 5 lbs last week. I have finally figured out that my body likes to drop it in "chunks". 5 lbs one week, nothing the next, 2-3 (hopefully) the next, etc. I'm not going to freak out about it.

I changed gyms - from Planet Fitness back to In-Shape Fitness. Same price per month, but In-Shape is closer to home, has classes (hooray, spinning!) and childcare. Planet fitness has NONE of that. Got in on a special - no fees to start, and only $19.95 a month. SUPER excited! I went last night trying to get into the spin class but it was full. Got on the treadmill and did running and incline intervals instead. *ahhhh*...sweaty bliss.

 I've noticed I have been really adverse to meat lately. The smell, the texture... ugh. It's actually been making me feel nauseous. I dumped half a batch of turkey chili in the garbage this weekend 'cause it was NOT going to get eaten. Fo' Sho'. Today, I am super happy with my spaghetti squash bake (red peppers, kale, carrots, spaghetti squash, home made sauce and a little low-fat mozzarella.). I'm not "making a decision" to be vegetarian, I'm just leaning in that general direction. Fish and shrimp are atill all good, so we will be doing that for dinner a little more often.

Work is insane, again. It's just the norm. Big changes going on here. The head-honcho is stepping down, and it's creating a lot of buzz on the future of the program. Makes things a might stressful. Gonna just go with the flow.

A little update on the minions. Both are having trouble in school keeping tempers in check when things don't go their way. Now, we are not spoilers. We don't just give our kids anything they want, so I was a little confused. I can understand Thing 2 - I mean, he's only 2 years old and it's PRIME tantrum age. But the older one makes me a little more concerned. As I was thinking on it, I realized that I am really modeling poor behavior for him in regards to keep my cool - or LACK there-of. Patience has never been a virtue for me... it's just not in the Irish blood. But I need to be better at it for my kids. To show them how to handle stressful situations in a better way... gotta work on this hard.

Not my kid - but pretty close, apparently...

I wish I had time to type more, but I gottan run... But I will say this. When you are down and out, and you feel like no one cares, you need to believe there are people out there that are good, kind, generous, loving, and wonderful. Angels, really. I have met such people just being here. I am beyond blessed by them.

If you would take a moment to click on the link to my FUNDRAISING PAGE. I have raised 11% of my goal to have my reconstructive surgery. I know times are tough, but if you can spare anything, I would be beyond grateful to you.


Keep moving forward...

Post-Thanksgiving post - SUPER EXCITING NEWS

Good Friday morning, people! I'm at work today (ugh) while many are out and about chopping like maniacs. Last night after leaving the minions at my moms (she's off today and is hanging with them while hubs and I work), Anthony and I decided to stop by Wal-Mart to laugh at the people standing in line waiting for things they don't need. We were surprised to see Wal-Mart was actually already open (7:00PM) and so we went in. People were already lined up at different stations to get their TV's and other electronics. It all seemed very civilized... but by just 20 minutes or so later, things started getting hairy. People getting a little louder, things were a little more crowded and I decided that I had had enough. Outtie.

Alright, so let's rewind. Back to Wednesday evening. I got the most AMAZING news. READY??

BOTH of my surgical reconstructive procedures have been APPROVED by the insurance company!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAAAAAHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

I could NOT believe it when my husband told me I had a voicemail on the house phone that told me they were BOTH approved and we needed to make a date for the surgery BEFORE May. NO PROBLEM. I would do it TOMORROW if I could. But, I am aiming for March.

Why March? Well, there’s a work aspect to it. The hospital is transferring to a new EMR system, and I am a “super user” meaning that I will be taking all of the training 2 times each in order to be secure enough to help the others with the transition. They are asking for us to not take ANY PTO late January through February. Of course, my supervisor said I could if I needed to, but I don’t see any harm in waiting an extra month.

So now, I have a big goal. First, I want to be at goal weight by surgery (170). But even more important, I want to be the fittest and healthiest I can possibly be by then. It will seriously aid my recovery and I’ll be going in there with the best chance possible. It will be a 5 hour procedure, with 2 different surgeons working on me. Any surgery has risks, but being super-fit can reduce that risk by a TON.

SO, obviously I am incredibly excited. I still need to fundraise for my hospital co-pay and for a paychecks worth so my family is not affected financially by this surgery. I can’t guarantee my PTO, because of the kids getting sick, etc, so hubby is donating a week to me (sweetie) and I need to have the $ for at least 2 more weeks. So, my new fundraising goal is $2500. I KNOW that will get us through, and all I will need to do is recover.

Alright, on to Thursday. It really went quite well, I thought. Hubby went for a walk in the AM, we went to church, and then I went for a run when we got home. The weather was gorgeous and I was so thankful for that. I couldn’t run the whole time. Some walking moments, but I felt great. I also made it a point to run up ALL the hills. I did a total of just over 3 miles. My legs are feeling it today. Love it.

After we went to my in-laws. They, of course, made a ton of food. During the “appetizer” time, I stuck with raw veggies and some fresh mozzarella. For dinner (lunch), they had turkey and stuffing and potatoes (mashed, white, and mashed sweet with a shit-storm of brown sugar in them), green bean “casserole”, rolls… you know, carb fest. I chose to have white meat turkey and about ½ cup of the stuffing. I was happy with my choice, but I did get some “looks” because my plate was practically empty. Whatever. We were there for dessert, but it just didn’t look good at all, so there was no fight with myself. Later, we went to my moms. She made spinach lasagna. I had a piece and it was really good. Totally worth it. Once again, I wasn’t interested in pie. We went home, and I had a chunk of really awesome, amazing chocolate and called it a night. My only regret food-wise is that I didn’t drink nearly as much water as I should have.

I really hope everyone out there had an awesome day yesterday. I’m booking out of work early today to start the weekend off right. Love to you all!!

Feel the love

Feels like a Friday, but it’s the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. People are already starting to leave early from my office... I'll be staying till my normal 4:00 because I have almost no time off. The precious little time I DO have needs to be hoarded for either sick kids or for when my dear brother and family are in town over Christmas (praying for NO SICK KIDS)

Tomorrow's plans are loose at best. We are singing at church in the AM, and then going to my in-laws. We won't stay too long. Then it’s either home, and have my mom and aunt come over and hang out, or over to my moms. I really want to go for a hike, but with the kids, it’s impossible to do the kind of hike I really want – complete with actual climbing of rocks. Maybe this weekend, the boys will go to grandmas and pop-pops for a while and we can go.

Because I’m not sure what time we are expected at the in-laws, workout is not solid yet. I would love to get up and go to the gym first thing. They open at 7, and I have to be to church, clean, non-smelly and ready to sing at 8. So, morning is not going to work. I’m hoping I can go directly after church, and still have time to get home and shower before going to “Thanksgiving Lunch”. It’s certainly not dinner, because they want everything done early. I don’t hate it.

I hope everyone reading this takes some time tomorrow, and every day, to be thankful for what you have. Really look around and see how fortunate we all are. We really are.

Feel the love, be grateful, and stay away from pecan pie.

Love to you all

Drive-By Posting

This is sort of a drive by post. Any little moment of time I have free at work today, I am looking at my in-service presentation for my dietetics class today, or math for my test tomorrow. Ugh. I will be unbelievably grateful for the end of the semester.

WI results: down 5 bad-ass lbs from weigh in last week. Yes, that's what cleaning up your diet will do. 9 lbs to go till I'm back at previously mentioned lowest weight.

Will it be hard over the holidays? Yes. Will I do my very best anyway? Yes.

And you know what, it's exhausting. Exhausting in the short term - totally worth it in the long term.

‘Tis the season for over indulging. It’s everywhere. Smashing you in the face with its sugar coated “ho-ho-ho”.  From now till New Year’s, “Just one bite” has the ability to turn into a downhill spiral that will last weeks, and frankly, could last weeks AFTER said New Years. Weeks upon weeks, pound upon pound.

I can’t afford that. Can you?

So, I will politely decline the offers of goodies that are already trickling into the office. Thank GOODNESS I have a great family who is striving to eat well, and Thanksgiving will NOT be a big deal. A little turkey, some sweet potatoes (that I will make and bring) and green beans (again, I will make and bring), and BAM. Thanksgiving is done. As long as I can get out of my in-laws before they serve dessert, I won’t even have to worry about “politely refusing” anything.

After Thanksgiving is harder. The weeks moving into Christmas are not just that.

They are also the weeks where a lot of money is spent on stuff and budgets are tight.

They are also the weeks moving into finals for 2 difficult classes this semester.

They are stressful weeks, to be sure.

Stress is my #1 reason for binging. Continuously working on my Safety Net. Continuously hanging on. One day at a time… one moment at a time.

Anyway, already spending too much time… gotta run, run, run…

Keep moving forward, peeps…

Beast Mode: ON

Last night at Bodyology I felt Epic.

Well, Ok, AFTER I LEFT Bodyology I felt Epic. While I was there I felt like I was going to DIE.

In review: During, I felt like:
  --------> THIS

After I felt like:
 -------------> THIS

The workout is called SHRED. It's a strength round with 1 min on, 15 sec off intervals, then it's a standard tabata round (but, can I say, there is nothing standard about tabata), then a DIFFERENT strength round, same timing, and a repeat of the same tabata.

By round 3, (the second strength round) if you don't want to quit, or die, you are not doing it right.
And man, oh man, I was doing it right.

I went for the heaviest weights I thought I could handle. 45lb for goblet squats and goblet lunges. 15lb for surrenders, 25lb each hand for dumbbell swings. Then we had things like burpee to pushup to row in there. No weight for my row just yet. I'm still struggling with form on a toe pushup.
We did Turkish get-ups, and I did that with a 15lb. Last time I did those (and it was a while ago) I wasn't using any weight at all! Although I wrote it all down in my progress notes, I can't remember any more right now!

The tabata rounds were killer. As a whole, this workout, was all mental for me. The body will keep going if the mind tells it to. So, I had to keep my mind right. I always have a fleeting thought of "Forget this, I can't..." but it's quickly replaced by the sound of my pounding breath as I am throwing myself into mountian climbers or jump squats.

I would never, EVER walk away from a workout once I'm in it. WTF kind of cop-out is that?

Eats... pretty standard for right now. I lied yesterday when I said spaghetti squash bake was gone. Had one more serving and it's all mine. Salsa chicken and butternut squash for the hubby.

Issues for tomorrow: Conference all day. NO idea what kind of food will be there. I am packing snacks, and I will eat breakfast in my car in the parking lot if I have to, but I am at the mercy of this meeting for lunch. Praying for salad greens... I will be all good as long as they have salad...

That's it for now peeps. As always,

Keep moving forward...

Keep on keepin' on

Hump day, peeps... this seems like a crazy long week, because we haven't had a full week of work over the last 2 weeks, with that bitch Sandy and then a Nor’easter the week after. Another nor'easter is now predicted for next week.
    It's going to be a looooooong winter.

An update on my BodyBugg - I'm still figuring it out. I think it's hilarious that it wants me to eat 1700 calories and burn 2700 calories per day. At the end of the day, it told me I took in about 1400, and I expended a little over 2300. This "burn" included over 10,000 steps plus a 20 minute tabata. Frankly, I thought I would be burning more! But, hey, it's all good. It helped keep me on track to get in a workout last night. Damn tabata is a killer. High knees, burpees, switch jumps, speed bag, jumping squats, speed skaters.... it's all fun and games till your collapsed in a heap in your living room - feeling AWESOME about getting it in!
  --------- >>>> YES!

Eats for today... Just look at yesterday. Seriously. It's the exact. same. thing. Tomorrow will be different, because I am out of spaghetti squash bake! I'm thinking chili will be on the menu...

Feeling really good. Still a little hungry between meals, but the headaches are getting a little less.

I have a questions for all the peeps out there who work out regularly. Do you have aches and pains all the time? For example, my feet and ankles hurt every morning when I get out of bed. No matter how much I work on strengthening my legs, I still on occasion pull a muscle in the calf of my right leg that, depending on the severity, can sideline me for a week. So, I'm not talking about the good kind of I-worked-out-and-I-feel-sore kind of pain, it's different. I know my weight is still on the higher side, but damn, you'd think after losing more than 170 lbs shit like that would decrease...  Any ideas? Especially the calf. I feel like a damn baby every time I do something to it and I have to modify my workouts at Bodyology or worse, not go to them at all. I'm feeling it now, I guess from last nights tabata. I have to be careful with it, or I'll pull it more.

Also, since my first pregnancy, I get a flair up of sciatica every once in a while. Like now.

All this complaining on aches and pains... Damn, I'm starting to sound like someone I read..... :-)

Enough of that!

I really don't have much more to say. So, I'm out.

Keep moving forward....

STOP THE INSANITY!

I'm going to post in a little bit, but I had to link to THIS huge pile of sh*t

No pun intended.

When will we all just grow a freaking BRAIN and stop with this nonsense??

Alright - be back in a bit....

Day 2, again

I expected to be much nastier today than I am, so I am grateful. Headache - check, but no nausea or anything worse. Hungry, but dealing.

Once again, I would LOVE some diet Dr. Pepper....
 yummm... ok, sorry...

Drinking 100 oz of water a day, my food today looks like this (and is strikingly similar to yesterday)

B: 1/2 cup dry oats, 1/2 banana, 2 tbs natural PB
S: 15 baby carrots, 2 tbs hummus, 1/2 banana
L: spaghetti squash bake (with lf. mozz on top)
S: 1 slice Ezekiel bread, 2 tbs natural PB
D: turkey breast meatloaf (no breading in it), sweet potato, steamed broccoli
S: ? not sure.

Hubby is being a trooper as well, headache and all. I was smart this time and I've been starting the day off with some caffeinated tea. It's really helped the headaches from being so crazy.

Alright - I have to tell you. I bought a BodyBugg (Dodging the dumbbell NORMA is throwing at my head)... I know, I know... but I am a total data GEEK. I admit is fully and unabashedly. I love to see the numbers, and it pushes me to do more, more, more. I want to see the calories burned climb, and I want to see my big fat deficit on the screen. I know these things aren't totally accurate, but if it pushes me to do more and helps keep me in check, why not?

So first thoughts are: It's a little uncomfortable, especially around my big fatty-d bat wings. But, I think I'll get used to it.

The online system is sucky. I'm hoping this is just because I am not used to it yet. What I really don't like is that it gives you a whole meal plan. Um, no. I don't want to eat the chicken with skin on it. I don't want to eat Parkay margarine, and I don't want to eat low-fat oreo cookies. They ask you a bunch of questions at the start to "determine your eating plan" but I don't think they really do anything with those answers. You HAVE to fill out the nutrition stuff to even get the band to start working. *sigh*

So, the first thing I did was go in, and start taking out all of the "recommended" foods for EACH DAMN DAY and replacing it with what I am actually eating. It's really tedious. PLUS they don't have Ezekiel bread - wha, what??
All that being said, I have to play with it some more to see if there are short cuts, and ways to add your own foods.

I'll keep you posted on how I think this thing is working. (And so everyone knows, I am NOT being paid for this, I did NOT receive this device in exchange for a review. I just paid for it with my own money. And if it sucks, well, at least I'll know. And then, you will know too.)

Tonight is Math and then home to hang with the kids. After they are in bed, I am determined to do a short workout... trying to get my hubby on that path too. I did stairs on my lunch and actually got my heart rate up a little. I'm glad no one is watching me do this. I must look like a moron.


 ---------> not me.

Overall, of course, I think that since I was such a rock star eating yesterday and today that my recently aquired15 lbs should magically be gone. Like, now. Not so much, but I DO feel less bloated and disgusting, so - score!

That's all from this side of bloggerland. Hope you are all doing well...

Keep trudging forward...

DONKEY KONG

IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG

If you don't get this reference, I am very sad for your lack of an adequate childhood. :-)

Alright folks. I am sick and tired of dickin' around. I am in challenge mode and it's ON BITCHES.

I'M GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER. (I hear the collective voice of my blogger peeps saying "FINALLY!!")

I will not waiver. I will not sink back down into this dark pit I have FLUNG myself into. I WILL NOT.

Challenge Mode means the following:

NO sugar, NO artificial sugar, NO processed food.
1 serving of dairy
2-3 fruits
COPEOUS amounts of vegetables               
Beans and leguemes                                                                      
lean protein (breast meat and fish/shrimp)
healthy fats - in good amounts – will keep me sane.
Drinking water like it’s my JOB (at 56 oz already)

Logging it ALL. Every freaking morsel. Every last drop.

I will eat when I am hungry. I will NOT eat when I am NOT hungry. (Um, duh)

Lots of tea as well. I really find hot tea (this time of year) helps me when I am getting to a rough patch. I will have headaches; I will feel nauseous at some point. It’s because I am filled my body with total and utter shit and that shit makes a violent exit. It is what it is. By tomorrow at this point I will be feeling a LOT less like I want to do this, and by Wednesday I will be exhausted and feeling dreadful. Then Thursday will dawn and I will start to really feel better. Not just better, but DAMN GOOD. The way I am SUPPOSED TO FEEL. GO FIGURE.

Hubby is in, too. He’s feeling the same way I am. I look at him and I can see the weight gain in him and in me. It’s miserable.

Oh, and Thanksgiving next week? It really doesn’t faze me. I could care less about the food on Thanksgiving – have some turkey (breast) and some roasted sweet potatoes. Veggies galore and *POOF* - you are eating right along with the family with no worries. I hate pumpkin pie (sue me) and as long as there is some fruit hanging out with the desserts (and I will be SURE there is) Once again, no brainer.

I hop on blogger this morning and I am greeted by a myriad of blog posts. One was of which was this SEXY BEAST - who always has it ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. And also this incredible paleo/clean eating haul on JEANETTE's blog. How AMAZING does that look? Jeanette looks AMAZING to go right along with it!

Being active in this community has been an element in my NOT going back to 365. Everytime I screw up, backslide, whatever, I STILL come here to get the reality check. People GETTING IT DONE. Regardless of situation. YES, we all have our moments (except Norma, I don't think she ever has those moments!) but coming here and seeing whats-what gets me going again.

I've gained a lot of weight this time around. Almost 15 lbs. I've lost time. I could have been at goal.

Read me folks, I could have been at goal. But here I am, floating back up toward the dreaded “2” number. Fuck.

Oh, it’s on. LIKE MUTHA F*CKIN’ DONKEY KONG.

Where did I go?

Well, I am just feeling downright shitty.

I can’t get out of the f*cking hole I have dug myself into.

I have no motivation to workout. To eat right. To do much of anything.

I’ve been trying to find a counselor for almost 2 weeks. When I get a call back from someone I have contacted, they practically laugh at me when I ask if they have availability on Friday evening or Saturday – my only 2 available days.

I can’t believe I can’t get help because of my schedule.

I’m feeling a little desperate.

I think it’s time to buckle down and do a challenge week. I gotta get it together here. I feel bloated, and huge. I feel terrible about myself.

I’m singing in a concert tonight and I feel like a whale. I’m having horrible visions of my dress not zipping. I can’t wait till it’s just over. This is another way I know things aren’t right in my head… I normally get nervous before a concert, but I never ever wish it would just be over. And at this point, I wish I didn’t have to do it at all.

I’m working on a special project tomorrow with my family. I hope the minions will be well behaved enough for me to accomplish it. It’s something really important to me. But, you just never know how the kids are going to behave.

I know very well it seems like I am really falling apart over here. Like I’m going to become one of those people who says “I’m gonna start Monday!” And then next Monday and the next. I want to shout out “THAT’S NOT ME ANYMORE” – but I have no confidence.

Where did it all go?

Where did I go?

I’m going to publish this, against my better judgment. This blog, first and foremost is MY PLACE. So I post what I want. But there is fear of knowing people will read this and think I am freaking Looney Tunes.

Maybe I am.

All the struggles...

I am reading in a lot of blogs about a lot of struggles. I am also reading very FEW excuses. People just fessing up to mistakes and outlining plans to fix the mistakes. Honest people making honest, human mistakes.

Most have resulted in weight gain, just as mine have.

There are so many reasons for us mere humans to get off track. I'm not talking about the "oh, well, my favorite cupcakes we on sale and I just COULDN'T pass it up!" or "Well, it's in the house because my kids NEED to have it and I couldn't HELP myself!"  I'm talking about deaths, destruction of property, fear, intense stress, and Mutha f*cking Nature. Seems as though Mutha has screwed a LOT of us up, big time. Some waaaaayyyyy more than others, and in more ways than just food and exercise.

But I also see responsibility being taken. And in that, I see love and support being given. Tough love sometimes, when it's needed. But it's all support. We are here together, and we are fighting for the same things- our lives.

Sorry if the entry starts to get a little disoriented. The medication I'm on makes me feel super tired.

I missed my workout last night. Because I work in the basement, with no windows, I had no true idea about how bad it was getting out. The highway was practically closed. Just getting to my car on the shuttle took 20 minutes (a 5 min drive normally), and an hour to get home from there, using back roads, thank goodness. I knew as soon as I hit the streets that heading in the opposite direction for a workout, only to then have to turn around and go home was just not happening. I would LOVE to say I got in a sweat session at home, but by the time I got home I was wiped out.

This morning, I got my period, which explains a TON too - including why I am so GD hungry today.
This is what I have had SO FAR:

coffee with almond milk
huge chai tea
B: oats, 1/2 banana, 1 tbs+ natural PB
S: PB on flax wrap
L: 2 helpings of spaghetti squash bake
S: banana

Still to come:
S: hummus with small pita
D: ground turkey with spicy Mexican spices, 2 oz red fat cheese, lots of salsa, 1/2 sweet potato
S: gorge on chocolate cheesecake... Just kidding. That will only be in my mind. However, I may have some unsweetened cocoa powder in hot water with a few drops of stevia.

I will not be exercising tonight. Math class after work (in which I find out my fate on a terrible test I took on Tuesday. I'm mentally preparing myself for a C, so I don't cry when I see it), then quick home to grab dinner and off to choir practice.

This week needs to be over.

Snow

The snow has begun here in CT. I already spoke with Thing 2's daycare and they said they were going to stay open regardless. They are trying really hard to be accomidating because of all the mess last week.

So far, school for Thing 2 is on normal schedule as well.

HAHA!

I'm really glad people aren't going nuts shutting things down. Of course, if something is unsafe, close, but right now, it's jut messy. LATER tonight, we are supposed to get winds of 60+ mph. Sheesh!

Hubby wanted me to cancel my workout and come home tonight. A combination of the snow/sleet and they fact that the car really needs a battery (I have already needed a jump twice to get myself going) has him asking me to come straight home from work. And for a micro-second, I considered it. But nope. I have driven out to Bodyology in worse conditions than this. Last winter I drove in a snow storm, sliding into guardrails twice to get there. I was going super slow and it was just a tap, but the conditions were bad. But dang it, it wasn't going to stop me then, and it's not now.

Eats - Going good. I ate a little more in volume than I was planning, but all clean, so I am feeling OK about it. Progressive. I am human. I can and WILL do this, but I am human.

I'm really looking forward to a good sweat tonight.

That's all for now. Nothing too important to say. Hope you are all out there being the best you can be.

Keep moving forward....

Day 2 and Nerd Fitness

Day 2 of being on track, and I already feel better than I did yesterday. My only hiccup yesterday was a handful of peanuts and raisins I did not have on my plan. I'm over it. It wasn't a freakin' cookie, for crying out loud.

It's just about 12 noon and I am working on 80 oz of fluid down my gullet already. Shooting for 100 today. I peed alllll daaaaayyyyy loooonnngggg yesterday. Not complaining, because I know it means things are moving they way they should be. Today will be the same.

Eats for today look strikingly like yesterday. As in, exactly like yesterday. Go figure. My dinner last night was 1/2 sweet potato with 1/2 cup organic fat free refried beans and 1 oz 75% reduced fat cheese and super spicy salsa. It was great after a cold, cold day.

Cold here again today and we have a nor-eastern moving in. Originally supposed to hit as rain, now they are saying snow because it's been so cold and will continue to be. Winds are supposed to get high, and we have a high probability of losing power again. We live up on a hill, so we never have to worry about the terrible flooding that other poor souls are struggling with, but the winds are killer. I'm going to stop tonight, after voting, and get more of the Amy's Organic Vegetarian Chili. Although it's a sodium killer, the ingredients are good... all recognized as food. Go figure. This, obviously, will be just in case we lose another fridge and freezer of food. *sigh*...

Actually - scratch that. No funds for extra canned goods. Thursday=payday. Can't come soon enough!

I love and can't wait to do this workout from NERD FITNESS - how much do I love the idea of doing mock chin ups on your dining room table? Enough to try it and pray my table holds up. I'll have hubby's help, of course, holding on the other end so I don't end up with a table leg up my nose. Ew. This workout is happening tonight after math test, and voting.

Oh yeah, about that whole voting thing? You really should do it. If you don't, don't bitch about the outcome later, mkay?

Also, did I mention that Steve Kamb at NERD FITNESS is hot? Seriously. Go check him out. I'll wait. And don't tell my husband I said so...

That's all for now. Gonna go do some stairs to get my heart rate up a little. When I sit at my desk for too long, my body feels like a lump. Ugh.

Keep moving forward....

2-by-2

Getting back on track/staying back on track occasionally means more than one post from me a day.

Sorry 'bout that...

2 times today so far I have gone to a little corner of my building and run the stairs. I work in the basement, and the building has 4 floors. Lunch time I did the stairs, 2-by-2 as fast as I could up to the 4th floor, walked to the other end of the building, ran down 2 floors and back up 2-by-2 (not 2-by-2 down, or I would break my neck). I continued the pattern of running down 2 floors, back up (2-by-2) and then walk the length of the building. Repeat on the other stairs.

Luckily, most of the people in my building take the elevator, so I was not in anyones way, and no one was in my way.

Eating is on point. Still have 1/2 snack from the morning left over and my snack for this afternoon pending. Afternoon snack will wait till I am walking to school, to last me till I get home at 8:30.

I'm working. This fatty is not going down without a fight.

Peace

Backward to Forward

I wanted to get this blog started early. Work will be busy and I have a lot to say.

So, as if the pants-wakeup from Friday wasn't enough to keep me totally clean this weekend. Really, fatty? Really??

So, I got on the scale last night. You know, night time, when you weigh the most from all the crap you've stuffed your face with all day. Yeah. I needed the harsh number wake-up call.

And boy, I got it. I cried all the way through my shower. I should be at goal now, not 25 lbs away from it.

I can't even bring myself to type the number. I know what it is.

WTF did I do to myself? WTF happened to get me here?

I got lax. I got lazy. I got overwhelmed. I lost it. I have a LOT of answers as to WHY. Those don’t help me now. None of that helps me to move ON.

Getting it back is SOOO much harder.

I looked in my husband’s eyes this morning: “I need your help. I have to get back on track and I really, really need your help”. He knew I was serious and he told me he would help me.

There is NO junk in the house. Not a random piece of Halloween candy, not ½ bag of mini chocolate chips bought for… well, damn, I don’t even remember WHY they were there in the first place. Nothing. It’s gone. Not just thrown away, but destroyed under hot water, or crushed to smithereens in trash cans.

Anyone with a food or sugar addiction knows, that is the only way it’s *really* gone. Merely throwing it out is not good enough.

Eats for today:
BB: 1 scoop Click, almond milk, water, ice
B: ½ cup plain oats, water, ½ banana, just under 2 tbs PB
S: 1 oz low fat cheese, ½ banana
L: spaghetti squash bake, 2 quinoa spinach bites (all made at home, whole ingredients)
S: flax wrap, 2 tbs PB
D: leftover lemon chicken, carrots, kale chips (made at home)

I have to get out to the store for more fresh veggies. I am totally completely out. Not even an onion to be had. Sad shape.

This post is not just a *waa, waa* post. I do have a little good news to share as well:

Saturday at Bodyology, I PR’ed on my hex dead lift – 185lbs, upped my shoulder press to 25 lbs each arm (from 20) and upped my box jump.

That 185 almost didn’t happen. Focus, determination, and coaching helped make it happen. Not once, but 4 total. Now I need that focus and determination back into my food.

JUST FOR TODAY. I will eat my planned food and only more if I am truly hungry. That “more” will be a fruit or veggie. I will walk at lunch and run stairs on 2 -10 minute breaks.

Keep moving forward... even when you have moved SO far backward...

Muffin, anyone?

Sorry for my oh-so-sunny disposition yesterday. People have it a LOT worse than me in this storm - speaking of which, how are you doing over there ALLAN?? This guy lives right in New York, and no update from him has me a might worried...

We now have electricity. It's amazing what parking your kids in front of the TV for an hour and being able to take a hot shower will do for your outlook on things.

I had a HUGE wake-up call this morning. Getting dressed for work, I grabbed a pair of my normal work pants and attempted to "slip" them on. Well, I got them up, but could hardly button and zip them. Too uncomfortable to wear. Thinking maybe I had grabbed the wrong pair (I have a few smaller pairs I had been working shrinking into), I took them off and looked at the label.......................

14. Mother f*in' 14's. I had to put on 16's this morning. The ones that only a few weeks ago, were really too big to be wearing at all.

Apparently, too many days of comfy-pants wearing had me QUITE disillusioned. It's too damn easy. Too damn easy to gain, and so damn hard to lose. I look back at how hard I worked to get where I was, to throw at least 10 lbs of it away on a month of shit.

------------> Not me, but NOT CUTE. This is how I feel!

Needless to say, I am going to really get down to business. Now with power back, it will be easier. Junk is out of the house... yadda, yadda... blah, blah...

I've been playing phone-tag with a counselor. And it's really funny, but because of my schedule as it is, I actually don't have time (thus far) to even make an appointment with one. I don't have time to get help. That, in and of itself, is a problem.

I’m not much more upbeat than I was yesterday, so I’m not going to go on bitchin’. I hope you all out there are doing well. Happy Friday and all that…

play nice, loser.

I suppose I should post something.

Hurricane Sandy came and went. We are still without electricity, but everyone is safe. Still sucks to be raising 2 small kids in the freaking dark.

I just found out (NOW) that Thing 2's daycare was opened yesterday and today. I had no idea. Yesterday, I had to take off ANOTHER day to stay home with them. Today, I practically had to BEG my in-laws to take them. And I didn't have to. I called and they said "Well, we called and left voicemails and put it on the news" - Um, I DON'T HAVE ELECTRICITY ASSHOLE.

So, I'm back in the mother f*ing hole for PTO at work. Awesome.

The stress, of course, is sky high. No power=no food in fridge=no cooking=eating shit. But then, I was eating shit before we lost power too, so it's not even an excuse.

But, although I still don't have power today, I packed the best I could, including:

1/2 cup dry oats, 1 banana, water and almond butter - cooked it in microwave at work.
2 Lara Bars
1 can of Amy's organic black bean chili. - A sodium BOMB
1 serving of Click Protein

My goal was to get in 64 oz of water and so far I am failing miserably.

I don't have a lot to write because over all, all I feel is angry. I have no outlet for it. I have to play nice girl on the phone with patients, play nice girl at school for a test I don't even know if I have, and nice f*ing girl at church choir practice tonight. When all I really want to do is smash my computer against a wall and walk out. No, not walk, RUN out and AWAY from here and everything.

So, once again, trying to eat like I should. Getting in my workouts. Same old, same old. Do great, screw up, struggle to get it going again... over and over like a damn hampster wheel. Such a loser.

The Holy Shit Post

This is a drive-by-Holy-Shit-this-is-the-crazy-week-from-hell-because-I-am-all-alone-dealing-with-5 -nurses-and-5-doctors-by-myself post. My co-worker has been gone a week as of yesterday, and we have had urgent patients galore. We have also lost 5 patients this week. This weighs very heavily on my heart. I hate, hate, hate that we can't help everyone... it's a really hard thing to just "leave at the door" when Ileave for the day. I think of these people and their families and the loss... it's so hard for them. Makes me very sad.

I don't even know what to say except my eating is poor. My exercise, when I have been able to get it this week, has been good and "ugly". Ugly meaning that there is nothing leasurly or sweet about it. It's grunting, screaming, swearing and a whole lot of sweating. I've been taking my stress out on my workouts for sure. I think I've scared some regular gym goers. Bodyology chicks know the score, and they scream and swear right along with me. That's just how we roll. Thank GOD for this outlet.

Eating is bad. I need to get my shit together. Seriously. I got lazy cooking becuase of the schedule and stress this week and we have been subsisting on less than clean fare. When I think back at how I USED to eat, even back when I *thought* I was eating healthy... and what I consider unhealthy now... it's just worlds different. I'm so grateful for that... even when it's bad, it's not as bad as it once was. Progress, not perfection.

If I don't cut myself a little slack at this moment, I don't know what would occur... for real, guys. So, if you have any judgy comments, please spare me just this one time. I KNOW I am not doing what I am supposed to be. There is NO real excuse, and I have to GET IT TOGTHER. So, there is nothing you can say that I don't already know...

OK, breathe...

Hurricane/Tropical Storm headed our way. Last summer we got one of these babies and we were out of power for 5 days. I have already grabbed some batteries for flashlights, in case. On the way home, will get glowsticks for the kids, a few more flashlights and non-perishable food. No grocery shopping this weekend, because I'm not going to speand money just to lose everything. Will go out and buy things to get us through the weeknd only, and take it from there. We should be getting screwed by this thing by Monday morning...

I went and told hubby I think we need some relationship counceling. I truly think we do. Our communication sucks right now, we have nothing as a couple except Thing 1 and Thing 2, and I'm not going' down like that.
I don't think he's happy about the idea, but frankly, I'm not happy overall. I want to work on this before it gets worse.

Add it to the list.

Thing 1 and Thing 2 are good and healthy, Thank you Lord, God. They are just the sparkle and life and all that is good in my world. I went through an issue this week where my in-laws thought it would be ok to take Thign 1 early from school to take him out to lunch. Without our permission. Without our KNOWLEDGE. And the school LET THEM. Now, let me say that hubby's parents are on the list of people that Thing 1 can be given to, as they pick him up after school and hang out with him till hubby gets out of work. HOWEVER, there was never permission for him to leave school during school hours.

Let's just say I cracked down on the shit MIGHTY QUICK.

Do NOT fuck with this mama and her babies. The school got an earful, notes have been written and complaints filed.

The in-laws are another story.

Ok. This is all I have time for. I have to run before I get buried under piles of crap....

Keep moving (ever slowly) forward...

Destiny, or, the strange things that keep you on track

I had experiences yesterday and today that I felt were significant, and things I might have missed if I hadn't been aware of myself and my surroundings.

I went up to the cafe yesterday, feigning for a snack of some sort. I had no intentions of it being clean vs. not-clean, just something to snack on. I wasn’t into anything I had packed from home.

Got upstairs, looking around… pretty slim pickings (slimmer than usual), as it was between breakfast and lunch. I finally grabbed a container of plain kasha cereal… knowing it was not a great choice, but thinking it was a better choice than then cocoa puffs next to it. I wandered for a minute longer and got in line.

In front of me was a woman, at least 5’10”, and she had to weight almost 400lbs. I actually know her – I talk to her on the phone all the time setting up testing for patients, and I happened to know her by site, but she does not know me by site. We have developed a nice relationship and I think she is a great person. She was buying a plate of food – what was on the plate is not the point. I looked at her and I remembered. I remembered SO vividly what it was like to be that size. To feel that way. To be totally and utterly miserable. I am not assuming that she is miserable; I was merely remembering that I was miserable at that size. Instantly I thought “Oh my God. I can NEVER go back there”

I also happen to know this woman had a form of weight loss surgery, and gained everything (plus) back. And I know, because she told me at one point.

I got out of line, put down my cereal and went back to my office. As I recall, I ate my banana instead. Obviously what I should have done to begin with. However, I am a big believer in fate or destiny… you know, that sometimes we do things because we need to be in the right place at the right time. We need to see or hear things that will flip a switch in us. I think that was a moment for me – for sure.

Another moment I had today. I was up in the café again, this time getting ½ cup cottage cheese with a sprinkle of sunflower seeds and about 2 tbs of craisins. (much better choice than cereal.) I got in line and running the register was the woman I talk with anytime I am up there. A sweet, heavy woman, who always asks “how is the eating going?” and tells me how she is “always trying” (to lose weight). Today, checking out, she told me, for the first time, that SHE had weight loss surgery, a long while ago (I have no idea when) and she told me she had just gotten back to the size she was at the time of her surgery – “back” is in, she had recently lost weight to get back to that point.

Wow.

Look, if anyone out there still thinks that surgery is the “magic pill” or that it’s “easy”… just know – it’s NOT. There are people all around us who have that surgery and you would never know it. Not because it “didn’t work”, but because the people didn’t change. They didn’t work.

You simply must change yourself. Just look at this guy:



*teehee*

Moving on. Last night’s workout was amazing. I really pushed myself. It was Tabata style with our new “6 is the new 5” rounds. I went up in level on a few exercises. While doing gliding climbers on a medicine ball, Christa came over to me a reminded me of the time I couldn’t even hold a PLANK on the gliders. I have gotten really strong. And I look SO forward to getting stronger.

Eats for today:
BB: Chai tea – so lovely
B: ½ cup quinoa, 2 tbs PB, ½ cup pureed strawberries
S: ½ cup cottage cheese, 2 tbs craisins, sprinkle of sunflower seeds
L: 1.2 quinoa and black bean stuffed red bell peppers with parmesan on top.
S: 3 tbs hummus with ½ whole wheat/flax pita
S: banana
D: unknown. Something with some MEAT. J

Confession: I have not gotten on the scale and I have not logged my food. I will re-start doing this, but I’m experimenting a little. Can I accurately guestimate my calories and macros without having to log them every day? We will see. I AM still measuring my food – because frankly, I cannot trust myself with portion size!

Keep moving forward!

Different 'tude

Yea, I have a different attitude the past few days. A need for calm. I am sure you guys out there can relate that after going through something stressful we crave peace.

Well, we crave cupcakes too, but we aren't going to do that. Cupcakes and the like only add to stress. For REAL.

I've been striving to keep myself from getting stressed about daily shit I can't control. I can't control (to a degree) how the mornings go with a 2 year old and a 5 year old. Sometimes, we are out the door like clockwork. Sometimes, it's hell in a hand-basket just getting them dressed. It is what it is, and I have to remind myself of that several times, remind myself to breath... it's NOT the end of the world, even if I do end up a few minutes late for work (which, even on bad days, rarely happens)

I've been walking on my lunch break, not just for the exercise factor, but for the deep breathing, "reset" attitude that comes with getting outside, especially on a cool fall day, and taking it all in. I did it today, and it was fantastic.

Days like today, where I am going from one thing right to the next from wake up (5:45) to getting home (9:30), it's so easy for me to get overwhelmed. But man, I have to put things in perspective now.

I have this thing about being late. It comes from being the fat girl. When you are the fat girl in college, you do NOT want to show up late to class. You do NOT want to squeeze by people to get to a seat in the middle of a very long line in a lecture hall. You want to show up early, sometimes ridiculously early, to get a seat, usually on the end, because they tended to be, (or at least to feel) a little wider. You could lean toward the aisle as to not infringe on the personal space of the person sitting next to you.

Being early was very important. And to this day, being on time = being early, even if there is no worry about me knocking peoples books off a desk with my ass. But it's something that has stuck with me and stresses me a LOT. Thinking about being late makes my pulse race. Sitting in traffic, thinking I "won't make it" on time causes total panic.

It’s something I have known for a while I need to work on. And now, more than ever, I don’t need this panic in my life. Yes, this blog is about weight loss and career change going into the nutrition field, but it’s also about wellbeing and life. Eliminating, or at least decreasing, the self-inflicted stress from my life needs to be at the forefront, as well as continuing my weight loss journey (that one was for you, Norma!! LOL)

Short update on reconstructive surgery – what a mind fuck. It’s a little bit of a mess. Not going to happen in December, which is fine. Maybe March. Working with the office. When I have a DATE for surgery THEN they will submit the paperwork to insurance. All this time, I have been waiting to hear from them about insurance, and it was never sent. I don’t get the whole needing-a-date-and-THEN-getting-clearance… because I can’t have the surgery without the insurance… soooo… I dunno, is it just me that this system is backwards? Whatever, it’s being worked on.

Not one moment for exercise today. Tomorrow back to Bodyology after a week of being away, so I can’t freaking WAIT.

Eats for today:
BB: Chai tea. Perfect for fall.
B: 1 slice Ezekiel bread, 2 TBS PB
S: Larabar
L: Spaghetti Squash bake with parmesan cheese… this is really delish. Just veggies, veggies veggies and some parm on top.
S: 3 Tbs hummus with ½ whole wheat pita
D: 2 oz cabot 75%, strawberries
S:  I am sure there will be one when I get home tonight, just not sure what it is yet.

Ok guys, that’s all I’ll spew today

Keep moving forward…